stuck
 

Okay sooo... I've written 5 songs for my up and coming band & I seriously can't edit to save my life! The titles are: Not the One, Rainbows at Midnight, Serenity, Saw You in a Dream, and When it all Ends. If any sound interesting, tell me which one you'd like to help with and I'll post the lyrics for you. I really need help, I've been trying to kick off this band for 8 years now so any help is appreciated.

You could start by changing your username to something less... less.

Rainbows at Midnight sounds mildy interesting. Let's see.

Rainbows at Midnight
The clock says twelve A.M and I'm at my window again
challenging the velvet sky
laying back down so hard I try
to get some sleep in tonight

[chorus]
I can't sleep
'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming
my mind is running 'round
and it's cold outside
and I can't calm down
my imagination is creating
rainbows at midnight

returning to the sill
I guess I have some time to kill
[I know I need something else here but I don't know what to do]

[chorus]

if I could sleep
maybe I could keep
my sanity
as I lay in bed tonight
I toss and turn hoping that I might
close my eyes

[chorus]
I can't sleep 'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming about
the things I want to find
how do I ease my mind.




I don't wanna change my user name, that's just who I am

Deep and Depressing
 

I am a blackened soul,
I have been stained,
all has been lost and nothing gained

I am an outcast
yet to be found
I stand still while the world goes 'round

Thoughts of suicide visit every day
but somehow I manage to push them away

I would express these feelings to people I know
but these thoughts they are my own
a work of art
deep and depressing
I don't understand why people
keep messing
with my emotions

I try so hard not to be outspoken
but alas the silence is broken
who I am and how I feel
these words are coaxed
out of me

the pain experienced when I
express
makes my life a total
mess

I wish people would understand
I wish they didn't care
though I'm used to the snickering
and the stares
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote this at a New Year's Eve party (some new year huh?) this is what I do when I'm depressed. What do you think? I always look for feedback on my depression. ;P

Jeeze. Who peed in your cheerios?

idk - I'm bi & most of my family is too religious to accept my sexuality, I kissed my best friend & now she hates me, I have done a lot of **** just to make myself feel remotely liked by other people, & my dad makes me feel like a total failure at everything, plus i'm in love with someone i'll probably never have a chance with- I guess everyone

>.> That sounds like my family.

Except it has nothing to do with religion.

They just want me to be straight and I don't have a sexuality.

You just have to be yourself.

I'm sorry you feel so lost.

People are always going to mess with you.

It's the way they are.

I don't really know why.

so u kissed a girl and you liked it lol?

Comparing through experience, girls are better kissers than guys anyway.

[=

no it was akward as hell she didn't kiss me back

Holy crap.

I can't even imagine having kissed a girl that didn't kiss back.

I've always made SURE she wanted to.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
That definatley lightened the mood.

Seriously though, it was a good attempt, it needs a little work but I enjoyed, and sorry about your...problems.

terrible

This is a good piece of poetry with a pretty clever rhyme scheme and a decent flow.
The one part that stood out to me as needing work, or needing to be cut out entirely was:
As for your situation and your source of depression, I cannot relate. But the general feelings, I feel ya.

there are a few things that need improvement, in my small opinion which is really not worth that much so take it for what it's worth, not much, but you did ask and, if i can be of help, great, if not, i hope i don't hurt.

the structure could be tightened a lot. cut the chorus down. keep it spare and catchy even if not in a happy way. bring words that can really be caressed and fondled and felt and manipulated and emoted when you sing. nice juicy words with shades of meaning and shape and texture and sound.

your sense of place is too general. make me feel that room. make me sense the restlessness and inner agony. tear into me. rip out my raw bleeding heart. pulse it through me. bring me the moment, the place, the distinctiveness of that conceit.

don't tell so much. show me more.

instead of saying, "i can't calm down," turn it into something happening as a part of you, you being the passive object of the anxiety. what takes hold of you when you feel this way, how does it manifest itself to others who see you.

rainbows at midnight. when even after the rain has passed and the skies are clear, you still cannot escape the gloom. even the uneasiness of happiness is constantly unstable and threatened with revealing the hopeless shameful truth of what and who you really are and how others around you perceive you and know you and control you against your will. the pretty and perpetual escape of consciousness and imagination and the uncrushable spirit of self.

bah, what do i know. it's better than i could do.

Terrible poem?

Or are you just trying REALLY hard to be mean?

i'm not trying very hard
how much effort does it take to type one word and hit enter

She said it would be ok... lying b****

Haha very good modern day reference:rofl:.

That's horrible.

I'm really sorry.

I've actually been in that situation.

It was by my best friend at the time.

She told me to go for what I want. And to kiss her.

And I decided to do it. And she turned her head.

And I had to sleep over that night, too.

She was such a tease. She always did that to me.

When she had a boyfriend, she would tease me ALL of the time, knowing I couldn't have her.

^Posts like these are Why no matter what he says everyone will always love CC.

ok... I may be deep and depressing but you just took it to a whole new level of deep! seriously when I wrote that all I was thinking was "OMG I'm so f***ing tired!"

idk if I agree with that, I don't exactly love him right now.

Yes you do. You will realize it soon or later.

A slightly less depressing poem?
 

I haven't come up with a title for this yet but I think it's slightly more hopeful and less depressing than my other work.

I believe there
is a girl that
lives halfway
across the world
she feels my pain
thinks she's going
insane
I intend to
meet her one
day and when I
do I will say

You are my life's ambition
and I've been waiting for you to
save me from myself come on
there's no admission
we're both on our way to hell

She's shy and self-conscious
not ready to come out
but I'll sit her down and say
we've got a lot to talk about

I won't give up
I won't stop
dreaming
waiting
for her to walk
into my life
she's all I'm thinking
about she makes me feel
alright
she will complete me
make me happy
I will see her
make it snappy
before she gets away

I want to meet her today
an alibi for my sins
riding shotgun on my hell-bound
life
keeping me on track along the way

Thinking about her makes life
easier
brings a spark of hope
to my failure of a life
Though I've waited for
so long and she has yet to appear
I will keep waiting right here
in what I currently call hell
where pain and embarrassment
lurk
around every corner
where nothing can be
done right

I'll wait in
desperate
pleading
undying
hope that she will come and then
I'll truly fall in love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've written one other song about the same person; an Australian lesbo that quite possibly doesn't exist. Anyway I'm looking for constructive criticism and possibly a title idea.

Completely cliched yet it seems refreshingly honest. I like it's simplicity. Sometimes these are the best lyrics.

I was wrong, this isn't even mildly interesting... it isn't about anything, it tries too hard to be about something and it tries too hard to be "deep_and_depressing". It's neither. The rhymes are mediocre, also.

ok I understand this was one of my earlier writings so I kinda thought it sucked myself just needed to know if I was alone are there anymore you're interested in? or did this one turn you off my writing forever?

My thoughts exactly.

thanks. I'm trying to edit a little bit make it a little more catchy and turn it into a song instead of just a poem

your poems are not depressing they are just bad

please know, i am no song writer, i am no poet, i am but nothing -- so take that in consideration before you tell me how much i suck

and then let me have it even more


here's my take on this:

don't look at the clock
nothing can move there is no time
pounding cold won't calm my soul
at the window again
at the window again

{chorus}
who am i if i can't sleep
if i can't dream
if you won't come close to open me
who am i if i can't sleep
if i can't dream
if you won't speak to silence me

i'll create my world of false security
rain rain rainbows at midnight

don't look at the clock
my fears collide too much to kill
lay down all hope all possibility
boredom slowing burning me
boredom slowing burning me

{chorus}

i'll create my world of false serenity
rain rain rainbows at midnight

i toss i turn i can't calm it down
can't keep wishing you were coming 'round
if you could care even enough to punish me
if i had something left i'd let you break it back inside of me
inside of me to die

{chorus}

i'll create my world of false identity
rain rain rainbows at midnight

i toss i turn i can't calm it down
can't keep wishing you were coming 'round
if you could care even enough to humor me
if i had something left i'd let you break it back inside of me
inside of me to strive

No you're wrong. They're depressingly bad.

construktive? wuts that lol

:clap:

Sigh, I suppose it will occur sooner or later...

I like this one a lot better than the other one. It's more poetic.

Although I don't feel I've the right to criticize someone who is so much like myself.

But it is very good.

Best Part:
especially the last line, excellent

Awful Part :( :
make it snappy??
I cringed.. yikes!

True. =P

Making it snappy is very... cartoon like.

ya that one sucked I hate it but i didn't know what else to put there