stuck (lyrics, Kiss, Religious, titles, quote)

[empty cup]

Originally Posted by deep_and_depressing

Rainbows at Midnight
The clock says twelve A.M and I'm at my window again
challenging the velvet sky
laying back down so hard I try
to get some sleep in tonight

[chorus]
I can't sleep
'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming
my mind is running 'round
and it's cold outside
and I can't calm down
my imagination is creating
rainbows at midnight

returning to the sill
I guess I have some time to kill
[I know I need something else here but I don't know what to do]

[chorus]

if I could sleep
maybe I could keep
my sanity
as I lay in bed tonight
I toss and turn hoping that I might
close my eyes

[chorus]
I can't sleep 'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming about
the things I want to find
how do I ease my mind.




I don't wanna change my user name, that's just who I am

there are a few things that need improvement, in my small opinion which is really not worth that much so take it for what it's worth, not much, but you did ask and, if i can be of help, great, if not, i hope i don't hurt.

the structure could be tightened a lot. cut the chorus down. keep it spare and catchy even if not in a happy way. bring words that can really be caressed and fondled and felt and manipulated and emoted when you sing. nice juicy words with shades of meaning and shape and texture and sound.

your sense of place is too general. make me feel that room. make me sense the restlessness and inner agony. tear into me. rip out my raw bleeding heart. pulse it through me. bring me the moment, the place, the distinctiveness of that conceit.

don't tell so much. show me more.

instead of saying, "i can't calm down," turn it into something happening as a part of you, you being the passive object of the anxiety. what takes hold of you when you feel this way, how does it manifest itself to others who see you.

rainbows at midnight. when even after the rain has passed and the skies are clear, you still cannot escape the gloom. even the uneasiness of happiness is constantly unstable and threatened with revealing the hopeless shameful truth of what and who you really are and how others around you perceive you and know you and control you against your will. the pretty and perpetual escape of consciousness and imagination and the uncrushable spirit of self.

bah, what do i know. it's better than i could do.