stuck (lyrics, Kiss, Religious, titles, quote)

[deep_and_depressing]

Okay sooo... I've written 5 songs for my up and coming band & I seriously can't edit to save my life! The titles are: Not the One, Rainbows at Midnight, Serenity, Saw You in a Dream, and When it all Ends. If any sound interesting, tell me which one you'd like to help with and I'll post the lyrics for you. I really need help, I've been trying to kick off this band for 8 years now so any help is appreciated.

[Wifey Boozer]

You could start by changing your username to something less... less.

Rainbows at Midnight sounds mildy interesting. Let's see.

[deep_and_depressing]

Rainbows at Midnight
The clock says twelve A.M and I'm at my window again
challenging the velvet sky
laying back down so hard I try
to get some sleep in tonight

[chorus]
I can't sleep
'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming
my mind is running 'round
and it's cold outside
and I can't calm down
my imagination is creating
rainbows at midnight

returning to the sill
I guess I have some time to kill
[I know I need something else here but I don't know what to do]

[chorus]

if I could sleep
maybe I could keep
my sanity
as I lay in bed tonight
I toss and turn hoping that I might
close my eyes

[chorus]
I can't sleep 'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming about
the things I want to find
how do I ease my mind.




I don't wanna change my user name, that's just who I am

[empty cup]

Originally Posted by deep_and_depressing

Rainbows at Midnight
The clock says twelve A.M and I'm at my window again
challenging the velvet sky
laying back down so hard I try
to get some sleep in tonight

[chorus]
I can't sleep
'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming
my mind is running 'round
and it's cold outside
and I can't calm down
my imagination is creating
rainbows at midnight

returning to the sill
I guess I have some time to kill
[I know I need something else here but I don't know what to do]

[chorus]

if I could sleep
maybe I could keep
my sanity
as I lay in bed tonight
I toss and turn hoping that I might
close my eyes

[chorus]
I can't sleep 'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming about
the things I want to find
how do I ease my mind.




I don't wanna change my user name, that's just who I am

there are a few things that need improvement, in my small opinion which is really not worth that much so take it for what it's worth, not much, but you did ask and, if i can be of help, great, if not, i hope i don't hurt.

the structure could be tightened a lot. cut the chorus down. keep it spare and catchy even if not in a happy way. bring words that can really be caressed and fondled and felt and manipulated and emoted when you sing. nice juicy words with shades of meaning and shape and texture and sound.

your sense of place is too general. make me feel that room. make me sense the restlessness and inner agony. tear into me. rip out my raw bleeding heart. pulse it through me. bring me the moment, the place, the distinctiveness of that conceit.

don't tell so much. show me more.

instead of saying, "i can't calm down," turn it into something happening as a part of you, you being the passive object of the anxiety. what takes hold of you when you feel this way, how does it manifest itself to others who see you.

rainbows at midnight. when even after the rain has passed and the skies are clear, you still cannot escape the gloom. even the uneasiness of happiness is constantly unstable and threatened with revealing the hopeless shameful truth of what and who you really are and how others around you perceive you and know you and control you against your will. the pretty and perpetual escape of consciousness and imagination and the uncrushable spirit of self.

bah, what do i know. it's better than i could do.

[deep_and_depressing]

ok... I may be deep and depressing but you just took it to a whole new level of deep! seriously when I wrote that all I was thinking was "OMG I'm so f***ing tired!"

[Wifey Boozer]

Originally Posted by deep_and_depressing

Rainbows at Midnight
The clock says twelve A.M and I'm at my window again
challenging the velvet sky
laying back down so hard I try
to get some sleep in tonight

[chorus]
I can't sleep
'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming
my mind is running 'round
and it's cold outside
and I can't calm down
my imagination is creating
rainbows at midnight

returning to the sill
I guess I have some time to kill
[I know I need something else here but I don't know what to do]

[chorus]

if I could sleep
maybe I could keep
my sanity
as I lay in bed tonight
I toss and turn hoping that I might
close my eyes

[chorus]
I can't sleep 'cause I keep thinking
why can't I start dreaming about
the things I want to find
how do I ease my mind.




I don't wanna change my user name, that's just who I am

I was wrong, this isn't even mildly interesting... it isn't about anything, it tries too hard to be about something and it tries too hard to be "deep_and_depressing". It's neither. The rhymes are mediocre, also.

[deep_and_depressing]

Originally Posted by Wifey Boozer

I was wrong, this isn't even mildly interesting... it isn't about anything, it tries too hard to be about something and it tries too hard to be "deep_and_depressing". It's neither. The rhymes are mediocre, also.

ok I understand this was one of my earlier writings so I kinda thought it sucked myself just needed to know if I was alone are there anymore you're interested in? or did this one turn you off my writing forever?

[WWWP]

Originally Posted by Wifey Boozer

I was wrong, this isn't even mildly interesting... it isn't about anything, it tries too hard to be about something and it tries too hard to be "deep_and_depressing". It's neither. The rhymes are mediocre, also.

My thoughts exactly.

[deep_and_depressing]

I am a blackened soul,
I have been stained,
all has been lost and nothing gained

I am an outcast
yet to be found
I stand still while the world goes 'round

Thoughts of suicide visit every day
but somehow I manage to push them away

I would express these feelings to people I know
but these thoughts they are my own
a work of art
deep and depressing
I don't understand why people
keep messing
with my emotions

I try so hard not to be outspoken
but alas the silence is broken
who I am and how I feel
these words are coaxed
out of me

the pain experienced when I
express
makes my life a total
mess

I wish people would understand
I wish they didn't care
though I'm used to the snickering
and the stares
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote this at a New Year's Eve party (some new year huh?) this is what I do when I'm depressed. What do you think? I always look for feedback on my depression. ;P

[WWWP]

Jeeze. Who peed in your cheerios?