The first one I owned was like a family heirloom that nobody wanted. When I had bought my Saz new the second time I owned one direct from Turkey with the whistle flute (and bells and all), a lady approached me in the street while I had it slinged over my shoulder and asked me to play. I said I don't do that kind of thing. Later, I got really angry because I had to go see the doctor while I was there and I was unhappy. I was afraid I could not be a hopeless Romantic.
Some time later, when a family member came to my house, I was still a novice but maybe had a year of playing and he picked it up and played what seemed like the most skillful tune I ever heard. I got jealous that I couldn't live up to this because I wasn't raised in the same culture.
I think my Uncle bought me another one, and then when his in-laws asked me to play, I got embarrassed and smashed it because that's how I feel being intimidated. I must have owned four to this day, but it's hard for me to do requests unless you listen right away.
When I went to college, a guy I knew who was into music offered to find a gig for me because he played clubs. That was the scariest it felt but I knew I'd never go that far because I didn't believe in myself - but nobody did at that time from what I gathered. After, I tried to play for some friends and they didn't really listen so I felt out of touch with my generation.
A year after that I started to play online to find listeners because there are a lot of second generation Turks like me, and that was a real barrier that I worked through. Now, I just play anyway without overvaluing it because feeling intimidated about your art means you just have to bring it to it's conclusion. Kind of feel the fear, and do it anyway. After I did that, I smashed it to pieces because of all of that and the emotion I felt associated with it. Sometimes, I would break a string or my hand slipped and I punched it in the sound hole, but I totally destroyed it because of my wild side. For a long time I thought that was all that it's good for and that's a lot easier than trying to replicate that time you met your hero and missed out.
Probably in recent times, I just felt intimidated to pick one up again
in case I crush them, but I did it and I bought one new for myself. I asked my Bro's girlfriend for advice because he is in the music business, I wanted to order to a store but I just ordered with DPD to my home. You always have to live up to your goals and heroes in the end and that's what separates us from the animals.
