Opinion on lyrics?

SabrinaCallaghan · 02-19-2017, 02:07 PM

I'm new to songwriting. Please give me honist opinions or advice

I havent come up with a chorus for this one,only verses

Tore my world apart,left me so broken
From the hole inside my heart.
You should've been my shoulder to cry on,
But here I am wondering,where have you gone?
I've got bite marks on my tounge,
From things ive never said.
Like when my mind told me things,
Like, "your better off dead"
Or, your the reason he's gone
"He didn't really care"
"No wonder he left"
"He didnt want to be there"
I'm sorry if I made you mad,
Tell me what did I do
Is do anything to take it back
Somehow make it up to you
Then everything would be Okay
Maybe youd be happier that way
But you looked at me in discrace
Dear dad,what did I do?

Daniel Moon · 02-19-2017, 03:22 PM

This sounds very nice!! If this is your first piece I am sure that in future you will get better and better!

Toothpick91 · 02-19-2017, 07:09 PM

Awesome

Stockholm · 02-26-2017, 07:35 AM

I broke my Oppressive Awakening down like this:

Life is a trade-off
In the quest for peace
Of mind of matter
Of beauty of beast

The longer the time
entrenched in mind
The pain so intense
Frustration immense

Don't smile on me sun
You know not my heart
The shattered glass
Which rips me apart

As I walk alone
And hold off defeat
Know of my struggle
As I know your heat

It may not work for you, I'm kind of old school, but your lyrics are sound, deep, and they do flow in how you put them together. Just a thought.

OccultHawk · 02-26-2017, 07:53 AM

The "dad" thing surprised me. I thought it was for a lost lover. You could maybe run with that by adding some sex into it. Like I gave you the best head I could but you still abandoned the family, DAD, type of direction.

kibbeh · 02-26-2017, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

The "dad" thing surprised me. I thought it was for a lost lover. You could maybe run with that by adding some sex into it. Like I gave you the best head I could but you still abandoned the family, DAD, type of direction.

lol

02-19-2017, 02:07 PM	#1 (permalink)
SabrinaCallaghan Groupie Join Date: Feb 2017 Posts: 3	Opinion on lyrics? I'm new to songwriting. Please give me honist opinions or advice I havent come up with a chorus for this one,only verses Tore my world apart,left me so broken From the hole inside my heart. You should've been my shoulder to cry on, But here I am wondering,where have you gone? I've got bite marks on my tounge, From things ive never said. Like when my mind told me things, Like, "your better off dead" Or, your the reason he's gone "He didn't really care" "No wonder he left" "He didnt want to be there" I'm sorry if I made you mad, Tell me what did I do Is do anything to take it back Somehow make it up to you Then everything would be Okay Maybe youd be happier that way But you looked at me in discrace Dear dad,what did I do?

02-19-2017, 03:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
Daniel Moon Groupie Join Date: Feb 2017 Posts: 17	This sounds very nice!! If this is your first piece I am sure that in future you will get better and better!

02-19-2017, 07:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
Toothpick91 Groupie Join Date: Feb 2017 Posts: 5	Awesome

02-26-2017, 07:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
Stockholm Groupie Join Date: Feb 2017 Posts: 30	I broke my Oppressive Awakening down like this: Life is a trade-off In the quest for peace Of mind of matter Of beauty of beast The longer the time entrenched in mind The pain so intense Frustration immense Don't smile on me sun You know not my heart The shattered glass Which rips me apart As I walk alone And hold off defeat Know of my struggle As I know your heat It may not work for you, I'm kind of old school, but your lyrics are sound, deep, and they do flow in how you put them together. Just a thought.

02-26-2017, 07:53 AM	#5 (permalink)
OccultHawk one-balled nipple jockey Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Dirty Souf Biatch Posts: 22,006	The "dad" thing surprised me. I thought it was for a lost lover. You could maybe run with that by adding some sex into it. Like I gave you the best head I could but you still abandoned the family, DAD, type of direction.