Poem/song?

AssButt · 04-11-2015, 02:26 AM

Not sure of a title or anything, could be a sea shanty? All critique welcome.

In an attic o'er the sea
Mirrored by your leaky smile
I stammer back in pidgin Morse
Inadequacies vile

Oh, tug those oars a little more
You've got no arms, you won't get sore
Surely rest awaits ashore
So tug those oars a little more

In an attic o'er the sea
Some ancient stranger paints your picture
She don't look much like you or me
Says, "That's just what I've been sayin' to her
But thanks all the same, Miss Morrissey"

Now tug those oars a little more,
Your back done broke before the oak
But surely rest awaits ashore
Won't you tug those oars a little more

In an attic o'er the sea
Supplies are swimming lanky low
Ain't no grapeshot in the cannon
Ain't no spices here but famine
So they clamour hoarse for pigeon morsels
And haddock ovaries

Oh, tug those oars a little more
Till your bones a-turn to stone
The shore's so near, your rest's assured
Just tug those oars a little more

In an attic o’er the sea
Tug those oars once more for me

Black Francis · 04-11-2015, 02:40 PM

Surprisingly good considering your user name.

would like to see more of your stuff with a different writing style.

gsrox · 04-15-2015, 07:31 PM

Here's a poem I wrote in December 2014. I hope it passes the sniff test.

STARS ON BLANK CANVAS

Skyward night projects inky black
Urban activity settles down
In rarest synchronization we all absorb a common masterpiece
The unsullied beauty becoming stars on blank canvas
Although their visit may be brief
They're bound to return soon
To initiate wonder
How we small creatures
Conduct a voyage alongside something so immense
On its face our travels appear cul de sac
A racetrack with few clear cut winners
Through stars above we're not fodder for the wolves
Decimating our opportunities
Our opportunities up high both shifty and constant
Impermanence shouldn't trouble us
We won't have to worry forever
As long as stars visit our most genuine fantasies
Not everything we hear brandishes a despondent sting
They always remember to shine
So we can next day try to shine also

AssButt · 04-16-2015, 03:26 AM

Thanks man, I tried to keep mindful of the rhythm but it may not come out the same way on the page as it does in my head; the second and third verses particularly.

Here is another one which is more like a poem than a song. Let me know what you think:

Home

I see home sharp in your eyes
I opened,
drove in
stairs sever my feet
like a saw metres high

with no sighs
no one sought
to explain why there's blood in the street

so
bare me your teeth and body both
entreat of me one good solid plod
down the cage of your breast

and
I shall anoint
the first stillborn metaphor
I can find
quaffing curds
off
April-shaped arrows
I found trapped in your chest

cleaving you from your words
leaving you for the birds

I shall name that lie in your throat
I shall name it Lester, for luck

and drown him in truth
like an oil-downed duck.

04-11-2015, 02:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
AssButt Groupie Join Date: Apr 2015 Posts: 2	Poem/song? Not sure of a title or anything, could be a sea shanty? All critique welcome. In an attic o'er the sea Mirrored by your leaky smile I stammer back in pidgin Morse Inadequacies vile Oh, tug those oars a little more You've got no arms, you won't get sore Surely rest awaits ashore So tug those oars a little more In an attic o'er the sea Some ancient stranger paints your picture She don't look much like you or me Says, "That's just what I've been sayin' to her But thanks all the same, Miss Morrissey" Now tug those oars a little more, Your back done broke before the oak But surely rest awaits ashore Won't you tug those oars a little more In an attic o'er the sea Supplies are swimming lanky low Ain't no grapeshot in the cannon Ain't no spices here but famine So they clamour hoarse for pigeon morsels And haddock ovaries Oh, tug those oars a little more Till your bones a-turn to stone The shore's so near, your rest's assured Just tug those oars a little more In an attic o’er the sea Tug those oars once more for me

04-11-2015, 02:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
Black Francis Out of Place Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: in an abstract house Posts: 4,111	Surprisingly good considering your user name. would like to see more of your stuff with a different writing style. __________________ "Hey Kids you got to meet the MIGHTY PIXIES!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRbCtIgW3A

04-15-2015, 07:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
gsrox Music Addict Join Date: Apr 2015 Posts: 65	Here's a poem I wrote in December 2014. I hope it passes the sniff test. STARS ON BLANK CANVAS Skyward night projects inky black Urban activity settles down In rarest synchronization we all absorb a common masterpiece The unsullied beauty becoming stars on blank canvas Although their visit may be brief They're bound to return soon To initiate wonder How we small creatures Conduct a voyage alongside something so immense On its face our travels appear cul de sac A racetrack with few clear cut winners Through stars above we're not fodder for the wolves Decimating our opportunities Our opportunities up high both shifty and constant Impermanence shouldn't trouble us We won't have to worry forever As long as stars visit our most genuine fantasies Not everything we hear brandishes a despondent sting They always remember to shine So we can next day try to shine also

04-16-2015, 03:26 AM	#4 (permalink)
AssButt Groupie Join Date: Apr 2015 Posts: 2	Thanks man, I tried to keep mindful of the rhythm but it may not come out the same way on the page as it does in my head; the second and third verses particularly. Here is another one which is more like a poem than a song. Let me know what you think: Home I see home sharp in your eyes I opened, drove in stairs sever my feet like a saw metres high with no sighs no one sought to explain why there's blood in the street so bare me your teeth and body both entreat of me one good solid plod down the cage of your breast and I shall anoint the first stillborn metaphor I can find quaffing curds off April-shaped arrows I found trapped in your chest cleaving you from your words leaving you for the birds I shall name that lie in your throat I shall name it Lester, for luck and drown him in truth like an oil-downed duck.