Second Try

dsotm · 09-16-2014, 02:38 PM

The first song I posted here didn't go over to well, so I'm trying again. Any feedback is welcome.

Eyes

You look ahead into the future mists of time
You look back at the train wreck you left behind
You remember the thousand sunsets in her eyes
You look into your soul, it's here that she flies

You expel her from your soul, expel her from your mind
You wipe away her memory, you blot her out from time
She's gone from this world, just listen to your lies
The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes

The ghost is always with you
The sprit will never leave
She always was and always will be
This is why you grieve

You understand the reason she got inside your heart
You knew why she built the wall to keep you two apart
But then she opened the door, her soul you got to touch
But she slammed it shut when the feelings were to much

You lived for every second that you got to feel her touch
For you the feelings were never to much
All you have left is the memories that time buys
The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes

The ghost is always with you
The sprit will never leave
She always was and always will be
This is why you grieve

**Janszoon** · 09-16-2014, 05:58 PM

Is this a powerviolence song?

dsotm · 09-16-2014, 07:45 PM

No. It's about a girl whom I loved madly but because of certain reasons we could not be together.

**Janszoon** · 09-16-2014, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dsotm

No. It's about a girl whom I loved madly but because of certain reasons we could not be together.

That doesn't preclude it from being a powerviolence song.

**Scarlett O'Hara** · 09-17-2014, 12:01 AM

It sounds like right out of Def Leppards "Hysteria" to me.

Zack · 09-21-2014, 10:39 AM

1. What are you going for?

If you're going for a simple, "raw and honest", folk-y approach, your lyrics sound very general, with almost nothing that sounds like it's referring to specific people.

If you're going for a more artistic, complex, "deep" effect, your lyrics sound much too plain.

Obviously, there are many other directions you could take them. Right now, they sound a bit more like ideas rather than well thought out lines.

2. Also, you could probably stand to deviate a bit from the very simple rhyme schemes...

3. Think about not just end rhymes, but the internal structure of each line.
Vowel sounds in common between words, or consonant sounds will go a looong way towards making your lines sound distinctive, and will also probably force you to use some more expressive, unusual words...

4. Thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries are your best friends!

5. Think of the lyrics as music too. They should sound good, not just be words that have meaning.

6. Try reading some classic poetry. That stuff sounds odd and old to us now, but it'll help you get a feel for well-constructed lines, for artful depictions, for nuanced meanings...

09-16-2014, 02:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
dsotm Groupie Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: lunitic in the hall Posts: 5	Second Try The first song I posted here didn't go over to well, so I'm trying again. Any feedback is welcome. Eyes You look ahead into the future mists of time You look back at the train wreck you left behind You remember the thousand sunsets in her eyes You look into your soul, it's here that she flies You expel her from your soul, expel her from your mind You wipe away her memory, you blot her out from time She's gone from this world, just listen to your lies The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes The ghost is always with you The sprit will never leave She always was and always will be This is why you grieve You understand the reason she got inside your heart You knew why she built the wall to keep you two apart But then she opened the door, her soul you got to touch But she slammed it shut when the feelings were to much You lived for every second that you got to feel her touch For you the feelings were never to much All you have left is the memories that time buys The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes The ghost is always with you The sprit will never leave She always was and always will be This is why you grieve

09-16-2014, 05:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
Janszoon Mate, Spawn & Die Join Date: May 2007 Location: The Rapping Community Posts: 24,593	Is this a powerviolence song? __________________ A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man Time & Place 25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die last.fm

09-17-2014, 12:01 AM	#5 (permalink)
Scarlett O'Hara Make it so Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 6,181	It sounds like right out of Def Leppards "Hysteria" to me. __________________ "Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots

09-21-2014, 10:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
Zack Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Brunswick, Maine Posts: 79	1. What are you going for? If you're going for a simple, "raw and honest", folk-y approach, your lyrics sound very general, with almost nothing that sounds like it's referring to specific people. If you're going for a more artistic, complex, "deep" effect, your lyrics sound much too plain. Obviously, there are many other directions you could take them. Right now, they sound a bit more like ideas rather than well thought out lines. 2. Also, you could probably stand to deviate a bit from the very simple rhyme schemes... 3. Think about not just end rhymes, but the internal structure of each line. Vowel sounds in common between words, or consonant sounds will go a looong way towards making your lines sound distinctive, and will also probably force you to use some more expressive, unusual words... 4. Thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries are your best friends! 5. Think of the lyrics as music too. They should sound good, not just be words that have meaning. 6. Try reading some classic poetry. That stuff sounds odd and old to us now, but it'll help you get a feel for well-constructed lines, for artful depictions, for nuanced meanings... __________________ The Passage of... ------- (Classical Synth) Danceables ------- (Dance Synth with a Latin Flair) Meanderings ------- (Classical Synth) Raven ------- (Rock Opera)

09-16-2014, 07:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
dsotm Groupie Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: lunitic in the hall Posts: 5	No. It's about a girl whom I loved madly but because of certain reasons we could not be together.