The Verge

the power123456 · 06-18-2013, 08:10 AM

this is a draft of something different i tried being an emotional rap all made up of course but some people may find it hard to read with the references to suicide.

Standing on the verge of the edge,
Wondering how high this bridge is,
Estimating how long till i die,
Wondering if my father will cry,

I’m on the edge of my mind,
Wondering how soon they will find, me,
Estimating how I fell?
Cause you put me through hell,

Who will take the blame,
Do I need to say your name,
Can you see how it’s all your fault,
Maybe it’s too late to halt.

I’m not saying its anything you done,
you didn’t even change your tone,
Oh wait jokes on you,
How did I die before you,

This isn’t a suicide note,
The whole thing was just a joke,
Cause I can play your mind too,
This way I’ll find it funny just like you.

Seen your face with the regret
Now go back to your playset,
Gonna fight for what you lose,
Cause i aint some motherfukin excuse.

djchameleon · 06-19-2013, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the power123456

this is a draft of something different i tried being an emotional rap all made up of course but some people may find it hard to read with the references to suicide.

Standing on the verge of the edge,
Wondering how high this bridge is,
Estimating how long till i die,
Wondering if my father will cry,

I’m on the edge of my mind,
Wondering how soon they will find, me,
Estimating how I fell?
Cause you put me through hell,

Estimating works for the first line that you used it in but it doesn't work so well with the second line. If you are estimating something it is usually a quantity of something that could be measured. You could replace the second "Estimating" with Pondering or some other word that deals with thinking about how far you have fallen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by the power123456

I’m not saying its anything you done,
you didn’t even change your tone,
Oh wait jokes on you,
How did I die before you,

This isn’t a suicide note,
The whole thing was just a joke,
Cause I can play your mind too,
This way I’ll find it funny just like you.

Honestly beginning from the third line til the rest of the "song" it just completely falls apart. So you are basically saying that you are faking your suicidal feelings as an attempt to toy with this person's feelings. You say the joke is on them but you are dead. Did you mean dead on the inside as in like void of feeling or literally dead? I would leave a line like that til the very end if you meant physically dead. It should be your last line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by the power123456

Seen your face with the regret
Now go back to your playset,
Gonna fight for what you lose,
Cause i aint some motherfukin excuse.

Yeah, that last bit about telling the person to go back to their playset doesn't really work because playing mind games is childish and at the same time you are calling them a child.

"Gonna fight for what you lose" I don't even know where to begin with this line. fight for losing what? I don't get it. you aren't an excuse for what? lost me there as well.

06-18-2013, 08:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
the power123456 Groupie Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: ireland Posts: 4	The Verge this is a draft of something different i tried being an emotional rap all made up of course but some people may find it hard to read with the references to suicide. Standing on the verge of the edge, Wondering how high this bridge is, Estimating how long till i die, Wondering if my father will cry, I’m on the edge of my mind, Wondering how soon they will find, me, Estimating how I fell? Cause you put me through hell, Who will take the blame, Do I need to say your name, Can you see how it’s all your fault, Maybe it’s too late to halt. I’m not saying its anything you done, you didn’t even change your tone, Oh wait jokes on you, How did I die before you, This isn’t a suicide note, The whole thing was just a joke, Cause I can play your mind too, This way I’ll find it funny just like you. Seen your face with the regret Now go back to your playset, Gonna fight for what you lose, Cause i aint some motherfukin excuse.