Hannahrg33

I wrote this a while back and kinda forgot about it till I ran across it again a few days ago, I just want some opinions on if its good or not. I have a link to me singing it on YouTube, there's no music, but at least you can hear how it goes! Message me if you want the link...

Here's the lyrics!



Temporary



(Verse 1)
Tempers flare high
While emotions run deep
You said this was love
But we both know talk is cheap
You said it
But I know it was a lie

You said you would try harder
You promised no more fights
But your words mean nothing
Cause your actions spoke tonight
Oh your words mean nothing
And I can't take this one more night


(Chorus)
Why make the effort
If it just falls in the end
Why carry on
We're just a fading trend
You push me away
As you hold on to my hand.
We both knew
That this wasn't permanent
But was temporary
Really our intent


(Verse 2)
In the heat of the moment
Things are better left unsaid
But is saying nothing
The best thing to do instead
This is driving me crazy
I think I'm going insane

Yelling regrets
While hiding how you feel
I doubt that this is healthy
But it's just how we deal
And now we're slowly going crazy
Cause we don't know how to explain


(Chorus)
Why make the effort
If it just falls in the end
Why carry on
We're just a fading trend
You push me away
As you hold on to my hand
We both knew
That this wasn't permanent
But was temporary
Really our intent


(Bridge)
Words are thrown like stones
And soon we're buried under them
I've done nothing wrong
Yet all you do is condemn


(Chorus)
Why make the effort
If it just falls in the end
Why carry on
We're just a fading trend
You push me away
As you hold on to my hand
We both knew
That this wasn't permanent
But was temporary
Really our intent

Hannahrg33

In the middle of nowhere
Don't know how I got there
My world is spinning
But I'm not scared
Searching for the sunlight
So tired of these long nights
My heart is screaming
For something more


This might seem crazy
You can call me insane
But this is something
I just can't explain
It's kinda like quicksand
I can't figure it out
It's slipping through my fingers
And it's taking me down
Im still waiting to be found


Wanting a difference
Wondering if I need this
If I try could I really
Turn it all around?
I'm desperate for change
Something needs rearranged
Can't remember what
My life was like before


This might seem crazy
You can call me insane
But this is something
I just can't explain
It's kinda like quicksand
I can't figure it out
It's slipping through my fingers
And it's taking me down
Im still waiting to be found


And I can't think of anything else
Drifting on the edge
Trying to rescue myself
It isn't easy to surrender


This might seem crazy
You can call me insane
But this is something
I just can't explain
It's kinda like quicksand
I can't figure it out
It's slipping through my fingers
Trying to pull me down
And I'm still waiting to found

LoathsomePete

Please keep all of your lyrics in one thread.

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Hannahrg33

Ok sorry, this is my first time posting here, still figuring it out lol

Hannahrg33

Apparently they're crappy since no one has said anything lol

ThePhanastasio

They're not crappy, and you honestly have some good emotional premises going on. I will say, though, that they're just premises.

In your English classes, did they explain that in writing, it's important to "show" and not to "tell" when writing? I know that can be kind of confusing, because even giving illustrious detail can count as "telling" as opposed to "showing."

SHOWING, though, would be bringing something real and important to you into the mix. Someone could write something like:

The table was covered in food. There was gross turkey, some inedible chicken, mashed potatoes, canned cranberry sauce, and everything you could imagine.

That's TELLING. There's detail, but there's nothing that can resonate with the reader/listener/what-have-you.

Telling might look more like:

Everyone brought out a dish for Thanksgiving, and the table was overflowing with food: Overcooked turkey, chicken with some questionable sauce, (Aunt Berta was taking cooking classes and thought she was the next Bobby Flay) some lumpy mashed potatoes that were hastily thrown into a bowl, and, from my drunk uncle Mark, the usual canned cranberry sauce.

Now, the second isn't more appealing because it has more words. It's more appealing because it has some personal connotation, and helps you understand the dynamics affecting the Thanksgiving dinner spread.

I know that may have seemed irrelevant, but hear me out: You have some good concepts here. Your writing is not at all bad. It's just that there's a slight emotional disconnect going on, where you're showing rather than telling. You're sad, it's like quicksand. Okay. But why are you sad? Other than it rhymes, why is it like quicksand?

If you're just writing lyrics, it's good, a lot of the time to really write out your feelings, appealing to all of your senses. Emotional, tactile, visual, etc....then exploring metaphors within that vein.

Just saying, "It's like quicksand / I can't figure it out" isn't enough. That's still surface level. Personalize it. Bring in your own flavor. Think about the situation, why it feels like quicksand, how hard it is to understand...

Just some quick pointers.

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Rakido

woah not crappy !

For that song Temporary, I feel like it can use more concrete images. I really liked when you said "Words are thrown like stones And soon we're buried under them"

great line !

Try and have more of a developmental path in your next songs. like for example

Verse 1 - I remember the beginning

Chorus - This is what it feels like

Verse 2 - Things changed. everything is different now

Chorus

Bridge - can we get back to the way things were

Chorus

miinah-a-pun

i just loved loved loved it

miinah-a-pun

i think every viewers can relate to it

you know whats going on and you want to make it better but again its the same old thing u keep facing. still u r being optimistic about things.

maniac

ws ok