Some stuff I'm working on...

TockTockTock · 02-12-2013, 12:03 AM

I've been writing a lot lately, and I would really appreciate it if I received some constructive criticism.

Here are a few poems (out of many) that I am somewhat content with:

Poem 1

Velvet, pinholed ocean,
Always in motion --
Frozen stoic in illusion.

Sun's vanity spotlights
Pseudo-sunlight with
The staccato of man's
Light and shy starlight.

Even our planetary egos
Seem/are atomic
When we view it.

Poem 2

One-twelfth in,
I become translucent
And feel there is more
(Like dense atmospheres).

Adjust, crust camera lens...

It causes a crystallizing
Collapse and then the
Vibrating hues take the stage.

Throbbing ambiance flowing...

I'm held hostage by
This nocturnal dance,
And its opiate wave
Becomes a bodily pendulum.

Noise encasing grey eggshells...

I then temporarily commit
Suicide and drown
(With reluctance).

Poem 3

Doyoureallythink?
That leaking mirrors
Will dam break through
The cacophony of
Anguish and ignorance...

Doyoureallythink?
That paint or a pen
Or a violin or
A kid will fossilize
Your prosaic mosaic...

Poem 4

Those suffocating fibers
Vine over me
And enclose our goal,
Making it divine.

Like all,
Its occurrence is seasonal.
An exploding, steel hum
Surpasses me on concrete...

When it does take a face
It takes mine, gifting me
With a mask of sand.

Then that denied tied will
Absorb, devour, and destroy it;
Thus, making naked
My dark distortion.

The smeared pastel
Painting turns blue.

02-12-2013, 12:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
TockTockTock They/Them Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 1,914	Some stuff I'm working on... I've been writing a lot lately, and I would really appreciate it if I received some constructive criticism. Here are a few poems (out of many) that I am somewhat content with: Poem 1 Velvet, pinholed ocean, Always in motion -- Frozen stoic in illusion. Sun's vanity spotlights Pseudo-sunlight with The staccato of man's Light and shy starlight. Even our planetary egos Seem/are atomic When we view it. Poem 2 One-twelfth in, I become translucent And feel there is more (Like dense atmospheres). Adjust, crust camera lens... It causes a crystallizing Collapse and then the Vibrating hues take the stage. Throbbing ambiance flowing... I'm held hostage by This nocturnal dance, And its opiate wave Becomes a bodily pendulum. Noise encasing grey eggshells... I then temporarily commit Suicide and drown (With reluctance). Poem 3 Doyoureallythink? That leaking mirrors Will dam break through The cacophony of Anguish and ignorance... Doyoureallythink? That paint or a pen Or a violin or A kid will fossilize Your prosaic mosaic... Poem 4 Those suffocating fibers Vine over me And enclose our goal, Making it divine. Like all, Its occurrence is seasonal. An exploding, steel hum Surpasses me on concrete... When it does take a face It takes mine, gifting me With a mask of sand. Then that denied tied will Absorb, devour, and destroy it; Thus, making naked My dark distortion. The smeared pastel Painting turns blue. Last edited by TockTockTock; 02-18-2013 at 12:57 PM.