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02-12-2013, 01:03 AM | #1 (permalink) |
They/Them
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,914
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Some stuff I'm working on...
I've been writing a lot lately, and I would really appreciate it if I received some constructive criticism.
Here are a few poems (out of many) that I am somewhat content with: Poem 1 Velvet, pinholed ocean, Always in motion -- Frozen stoic in illusion. Sun's vanity spotlights Pseudo-sunlight with The staccato of man's Light and shy starlight. Even our planetary egos Seem/are atomic When we view it. Poem 2 One-twelfth in, I become translucent And feel there is more (Like dense atmospheres). Adjust, crust camera lens... It causes a crystallizing Collapse and then the Vibrating hues take the stage. Throbbing ambiance flowing... I'm held hostage by This nocturnal dance, And its opiate wave Becomes a bodily pendulum. Noise encasing grey eggshells... I then temporarily commit Suicide and drown (With reluctance). Poem 3 Doyoureallythink? That leaking mirrors Will dam break through The cacophony of Anguish and ignorance... Doyoureallythink? That paint or a pen Or a violin or A kid will fossilize Your prosaic mosaic... Poem 4 Those suffocating fibers Vine over me And enclose our goal, Making it divine. Like all, Its occurrence is seasonal. An exploding, steel hum Surpasses me on concrete... When it does take a face It takes mine, gifting me With a mask of sand. Then that denied tied will Absorb, devour, and destroy it; Thus, making naked My dark distortion. The smeared pastel Painting turns blue. Last edited by TockTockTock; 02-18-2013 at 01:57 PM. |
02-14-2013, 09:41 PM | #2 (permalink) |
I sleep in your hat
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Melbourne, Vic. Aus.
Posts: 1,847
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I liked poems 3 and 4. I found it a little more difficult to connect with poems 1 and 2 somehow. I think maybe the abstraction prevented me from visualising or properly absorbing them. They seem reminiscent of maybe Haiku in style which I liked.
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02-18-2013, 01:23 AM | #3 (permalink) |
They/Them
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,914
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Here's one I scribbled down on a piece of paper that I managed to find at work:
Empty? hands grasp At, but remain empty(?). Without him (or her), there is "Nothing" in everything (But it's our "nothing"). This can either be Elevating or Humbling. Nothing is "nothing." I'm not sure if I'm happy with it or not. It was rather spontaneous. So, it sort of serves as a photograph of what was going on in my mind at the time. Editing it would kind of defeat the purpose of its existence. Last edited by TockTockTock; 02-18-2013 at 01:30 AM. |
02-18-2013, 01:42 AM | #4 (permalink) | |
Killed Laura Palmer
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 1,679
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Quote:
Poetry says something. Poetry isn't linguistic masturbation.
__________________
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung |
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02-18-2013, 01:54 PM | #5 (permalink) | |
They/Them
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,914
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Quote:
You are right, though. Most of the poetry I write are more like linguistic exercises. Trying to find new and different ways of expressing something, etc. I should try being more relatable. |
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02-24-2013, 09:33 PM | #6 (permalink) | |
Groupie
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Sydney
Posts: 7
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Quote:
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The artist is no more gifted than the non-artist The artist simply had the courage to create it's own Where as the non-artist was busy comparing it's own to the artists You cannot copy courage So the non-artist will never be an artist, until It cares not what the artist is doing And instead, why it is it's own. |
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