Music Banter - Some stuff I'm working on...

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Some stuff I'm working on...

I've been writing a lot lately, and I would really appreciate it if I received some constructive criticism. :)

Here are a few poems (out of many) that I am somewhat content with:

Poem 1

Velvet, pinholed ocean,
Always in motion --
Frozen stoic in illusion.

Sun's vanity spotlights
Pseudo-sunlight with
The staccato of man's
Light and shy starlight.

Even our planetary egos
Seem/are atomic
When we view it.

Poem 2

One-twelfth in,
I become translucent
And feel there is more
(Like dense atmospheres).

Adjust, crust camera lens...

It causes a crystallizing
Collapse and then the
Vibrating hues take the stage.

Throbbing ambiance flowing...

I'm held hostage by
This nocturnal dance,
And its opiate wave
Becomes a bodily pendulum.

Noise encasing grey eggshells...

I then temporarily commit
Suicide and drown
(With reluctance).

Poem 3

Doyoureallythink?
That leaking mirrors
Will dam break through
The cacophony of
Anguish and ignorance...

Doyoureallythink?
That paint or a pen
Or a violin or
A kid will fossilize
Your prosaic mosaic...

Poem 4

Those suffocating fibers
Vine over me
And enclose our goal,
Making it divine.

Like all,
Its occurrence is seasonal.
An exploding, steel hum
Surpasses me on concrete...

When it does take a face
It takes mine, gifting me
With a mask of sand.

Then that denied tied will
Absorb, devour, and destroy it;
Thus, making naked
My dark distortion.

The smeared pastel
Painting turns blue.

I liked poems 3 and 4. I found it a little more difficult to connect with poems 1 and 2 somehow. I think maybe the abstraction prevented me from visualising or properly absorbing them. They seem reminiscent of maybe Haiku in style which I liked.

Here's one I scribbled down on a piece of paper that I managed to find at work:

Empty? hands grasp
At, but remain empty(?).

Without him (or her), there is
"Nothing" in everything
(But it's our "nothing").

This can either be
Elevating
or
Humbling.

Nothing is "nothing."

I'm not sure if I'm happy with it or not. It was rather spontaneous. So, it sort of serves as a photograph of what was going on in my mind at the time. Editing it would kind of defeat the purpose of its existence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cenotaph (Post 1285386)

[FONT="Georgia"]I've been writing a lot lately, and I would really appreciate it if I received some constructive criticism. :)

Here are a few poems (out of many) that I am somewhat content with:

Poem 1

Velvet, pinholed ocean,
Always in motion --
Frozen stoic (in illusion).

Sun's vanity spotlights
Pseudo-sunlight with
The staccato of man's
Light and shy starlight.

Even our planetary egos
Seem/are atomic
When we view it.

You seem to have the same issue I had for a while: Clouding anything resembling emotion with flowery prose and punctuation. I seriously advise, now, against using parentheticals. There are exceptions, but just using them stylistically, they really don't add anything to the emotions of the piece. Also, this piece isn't something a reader can connect with. It's too goddamned vague. Again, another problem I had. There are (possibly) good ideas here, but it's not relatable, it's vague, and it's ultimately just semi-related words jumbled together to sound pretty. Remember, when you're writing something, it may be for you, but other people are going to read it, too - especially if you're wont to share. Make it relatable at least. If you have something to say, then, by all means, say it. Don't jumble upon a vague concept with pretty language and think that you're deep because that's where just about every wannabe poet I've met has fallen short in their beginning phases, and cringed upon afterwards.

Poetry says something. Poetry isn't linguistic masturbation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio (Post 1287575)

Yes, I've received this sort of criticism in the past. I think you're right, too. I do hide emotion behind abstractions and "flowery prose." However, I'm a bit confused as to why you chose the first poem and not the second and/or third. The first, in my opinion, is not at all vague and actually rather direct. In my mind at least, it's clearly depicting nighttime and how the immensity of the universe is a bit humbling. Maybe if I titled it "Nighttime," it might make more sense? Also... none of the words within the poem are semi-related either... They were carefully chosen and put together.

You are right, though. Most of the poetry I write are more like linguistic exercises. Trying to find new and different ways of expressing something, etc. I should try being more relatable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cenotaph (Post 1287568)

Sounds like a similar thought chain to the track "Nothing" by @peace. Have a listen to it and maybe you will relate. Nice work by the way.