original song. are the lyrics too wordy?

rfoss · 11-12-2012, 09:09 PM

the dawn commenced with one long breath as i dressed my subtle frame
the freshness of the air collided with the stillness of my brain
with steps of strength my feet did clap echoing against the grain of the
cobble streets my forefathers once laid

the boulevard was empty the store front gates were being raised
my thoughts returned once again to the counting of my days
what meaning lies beneath the eyes of a man a quarter age
are we all just players on this stage?

Blarobbarg · 11-13-2012, 12:29 AM

Dunno about a song, but I thought it was a fairly nice poem. You may want to redo the last two lines of each section, it doesn't really sound right in my brain.

~~Species_ENT~~ · 12-03-2012, 10:58 AM

it's kinda of wordy to me but I like the concept

11-12-2012, 09:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
rfoss Groupie Join Date: Nov 2012 Posts: 1	original song. are the lyrics too wordy? the dawn commenced with one long breath as i dressed my subtle frame the freshness of the air collided with the stillness of my brain with steps of strength my feet did clap echoing against the grain of the cobble streets my forefathers once laid the boulevard was empty the store front gates were being raised my thoughts returned once again to the counting of my days what meaning lies beneath the eyes of a man a quarter age are we all just players on this stage?

11-13-2012, 12:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Blarobbarg Do good. Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota Posts: 2,065	Dunno about a song, but I thought it was a fairly nice poem. You may want to redo the last two lines of each section, it doesn't really sound right in my brain. __________________ https://rateyourmusic.com/~Blarobbarg ｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆　^my RYM^　｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆ (◠‿◠✿)

12-03-2012, 10:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
~~Species_ENT~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2012 Posts: 3	it's kinda of wordy to me but I like the concept