First attempt at writing a rap song.

[scooby]

We are all apart of the same species.
So why are there people being blown to pieces
and people doing worst things than what judas did to jesus
but you wont turn on the right channel to see this.
Why are the number of bombs in the world increasing,
and the number of jobs in the market decreasing?

You spend your money on weed.
but at the end of the week you cant afford to pay the bills you need.
I'm only trying promote peace,
but it will never be enough to stop the governments greed.
Thats why our taxes go to the police,
the ones causing us to internally bleed.

I'm only nineteen,
but I'm smart enough to realize your brainwashed by your widescreen.
If you want to be released,
your going to have to stand up and fight for world peace.

Israel and US doesnt want Iran to have nuclear wepons.
but they have enough to send the world to heaven.
And dont get me started on the 5 israelies arrested on september 11.

Any feedback would be appreciated, this was my first attempt.
P.S. not looking to debate my political beliefs.

[scooby]

Damn, almost 80 views yet no replies? Any feedback/criticism/opinion would be cool.

[nowhereusa]

a few thoughts:

1. pick an issue and explore it in more depth. you are trying to cover too many issues in a short space of time. there is enough material in these issues to fill an entire album.

2. you have an inconsistent rhyme scheme. i don't write rap lyrics and i know a lot of rap artists don't pay attention to rhyme scheme, but that is also the reason why a lot of rappers have awkward lines in songs where you expect a certain rhyme an it doesn't happen. while that works sometimes, more often than not it just sounds clumsy and lazy. you're rhyme scheme in the first stanza is AAAABB but it is AAAAAA in the second stanza. in other words, you your second stanza has one of those awkward moments i was talking about.

3. Metre/Line length: count your syllables in each line. each stanza should have a pattern. while, once again, most rap artists completely disregard this type of writing (and often it doesn't really matter in a rap song), the fact is that your stanzas will flow better and have a better and more natural rhythm if you have some sort of structure. that's not to say that you must stick to a rigid metre structure, but merely that it couldn't hurt. and many rappers (such as yellawolf, Eminem and lil wayne, will sometimes incorporate isolated stretches of highly rigid metre, when this metre is then broken, it sometimes enhances the emotional effect, and gives the impression of "losing control".

4. Rhyming: if you have to completely change the pronunciation of a word in order to make it fit, then don't use it. while near rhymes are often great (I like that you rhyme pieces with Jesus, for instance), you sometimes use them too often and sometimes they are a huge stretch. also, rhyming with the same root word is lazy (increasing/decreasing).

otherwise, great song.

[scooby]

Originally Posted by nowhereusa

a few thoughts:

1. pick an issue and explore it in more depth. you are trying to cover too many issues in a short space of time. there is enough material in these issues to fill an entire album.

2. you have an inconsistent rhyme scheme. i don't write rap lyrics and i know a lot of rap artists don't pay attention to rhyme scheme, but that is also the reason why a lot of rappers have awkward lines in songs where you expect a certain rhyme an it doesn't happen. while that works sometimes, more often than not it just sounds clumsy and lazy. you're rhyme scheme in the first stanza is AAAABB but it is AAAAAA in the second stanza. in other words, you your second stanza has one of those awkward moments i was talking about.

3. Metre/Line length: count your syllables in each line. each stanza should have a pattern. while, once again, most rap artists completely disregard this type of writing (and often it doesn't really matter in a rap song), the fact is that your stanzas will flow better and have a better and more natural rhythm if you have some sort of structure. that's not to say that you must stick to a rigid metre structure, but merely that it couldn't hurt. and many rappers (such as yellawolf, Eminem and lil wayne, will sometimes incorporate isolated stretches of highly rigid metre, when this metre is then broken, it sometimes enhances the emotional effect, and gives the impression of "losing control".

4. Rhyming: if you have to completely change the pronunciation of a word in order to make it fit, then don't use it. while near rhymes are often great (I like that you rhyme pieces with Jesus, for instance), you sometimes use them too often and sometimes they are a huge stretch. also, rhyming with the same root word is lazy (increasing/decreasing).

otherwise, great song.

Thanks man, I really appreciate that feedback and i'll try work on these lyrics and keep it in mind for future songs.

[5[0Rp!0]

Yea, for the most part it does seem a bit random. I really like the first stanza though; I'd keep that if I were you.