Please, critique these lyrics!!!

TheNewest · 07-13-2012, 11:47 PM

This song is called The Punch-line. It's the first one I've completed. It's supposed to be a pop song but it has a Kid Cudi style rhyme scheme. I was planning to sing talk it.

The Punch-line

(Verse 1)
I'm always the punch line, since grade six
'Cause I told all the kids that I would be a huge hit
I didn't act right, was always different
When you're not a duplicate, you're the biggest target
(Pre-Chorus)
In my alone time, that was everyday
I was online stalking all the celebrities
Like...
(Chorus)
Wanna be like you, on big TVs
Wanna make electronic symphonies
Celebrity life is what I always dream
Think about you everyday...
Flashing-flashing lights in the streets
When I close my eyes it's all I see
I'm the paparazzi's newest big thing
You can snap me everyday...
(Verse 2)
I'm still the punch line, but I got used to it
Sometimes I laughed when I was being taunted
I was nervous, never knew what to say
For my fear of being bullied finally took over me-ay
Pre-Chorus)
In my alone time, which is everyday
I'm online stalking the celebrities
(Bridge)
So I got lost never to be found again
So high, might using be hallucinogens
Losing my mind, never get to come down
And it ain't that fun being trapped in the clouds
(Pre-Chorus)
In my alone time, which is everyday
I'm online stalking the celebrities
Like...
(Chorus)
Wanna be like you, on big TVs
Wanna make electronic symphonies
Celebrity life is what I always dream
Think about you everyday...
Flashing-flashing lights in the streets
When I close my eyes it's all I see
I'm the paparazzi's newest big thing
You can snap me everyday...

I bet it's got a million mistakes. Give me your hardest criticism.

TheNewest · 07-14-2012, 02:58 PM

C'mon guys, please. I really need to know what to fix. This is important.

miinah-a-pun · 07-20-2012, 07:34 AM

its little out of way while reading it for the first time bt i will definitely sound great with perfect music.... do u compose music too?...make a music that can play fair with ur words which i think is so honest....

plz feedback my post, too... would be so greatful

jorgea · 07-20-2012, 08:35 PM

These lyrics have potential. Might wish to do some revising. Thanks for sharing here

trolol · 07-28-2012, 12:25 AM

I agree with the comment above, these lyrics could be something special with some editing fixes.

Rjinn · 07-28-2012, 12:41 AM

I agree with the potential but it's too depressing to hear. If you made it more generic or symbolic it could be a winner.

Padjo1986 · 10-13-2012, 06:07 PM

i like your lyrics and i understand how you felt when writing this song.
i used to be bullied in school and well people can be cruel you just gotta
ignore their comments and don't let them upset you.

P.S. i will happily read any songs you write in the future

07-13-2012, 11:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
TheNewest Groupie Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 2	Please, critique these lyrics!!! This song is called The Punch-line. It's the first one I've completed. It's supposed to be a pop song but it has a Kid Cudi style rhyme scheme. I was planning to sing talk it. The Punch-line (Verse 1) I'm always the punch line, since grade six 'Cause I told all the kids that I would be a huge hit I didn't act right, was always different When you're not a duplicate, you're the biggest target (Pre-Chorus) In my alone time, that was everyday I was online stalking all the celebrities Like... (Chorus) Wanna be like you, on big TVs Wanna make electronic symphonies Celebrity life is what I always dream Think about you everyday... Flashing-flashing lights in the streets When I close my eyes it's all I see I'm the paparazzi's newest big thing You can snap me everyday... (Verse 2) I'm still the punch line, but I got used to it Sometimes I laughed when I was being taunted I was nervous, never knew what to say For my fear of being bullied finally took over me-ay Pre-Chorus) In my alone time, which is everyday I'm online stalking the celebrities (Bridge) So I got lost never to be found again So high, might using be hallucinogens Losing my mind, never get to come down And it ain't that fun being trapped in the clouds (Pre-Chorus) In my alone time, which is everyday I'm online stalking the celebrities Like... (Chorus) Wanna be like you, on big TVs Wanna make electronic symphonies Celebrity life is what I always dream Think about you everyday... Flashing-flashing lights in the streets When I close my eyes it's all I see I'm the paparazzi's newest big thing You can snap me everyday... I bet it's got a million mistakes. Give me your hardest criticism.

07-20-2012, 08:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
jorgea Groupie Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 1	The Punch-Line These lyrics have potential. Might wish to do some revising. Thanks for sharing here

07-28-2012, 12:41 AM	#6 (permalink)
Rjinn The Aerosol in your Soul Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: New South Wales, Australia Posts: 1,546	I agree with the potential but it's too depressing to hear. If you made it more generic or symbolic it could be a winner. __________________ last.fm

07-14-2012, 02:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
TheNewest Groupie Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 2	C'mon guys, please. I really need to know what to fix. This is important.

07-20-2012, 07:34 AM	#3 (permalink)
miinah-a-pun Groupie Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: POKHARA, NEPAL Posts: 40	its little out of way while reading it for the first time bt i will definitely sound great with perfect music.... do u compose music too?...make a music that can play fair with ur words which i think is so honest.... plz feedback my post, too... would be so greatful

07-28-2012, 12:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
trolol Groupie Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 3	I agree with the comment above, these lyrics could be something special with some editing fixes.

10-13-2012, 06:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
Padjo1986 Groupie Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Waterford city Ireland Posts: 15	i like your lyrics and i understand how you felt when writing this song. i used to be bullied in school and well people can be cruel you just gotta ignore their comments and don't let them upset you. P.S. i will happily read any songs you write in the future