Lyrical criticism needed.

NewSlang · 05-15-2012, 10:55 PM

I am looking for input on this current song I am working on. I am going into the studio to record this track in late June. I need this to be right, because I have some people with good influence taking a listen. If you see any glaring omissions, feel free to let me know.

I am not looking for production advice....i realize this is a basement recording, and that some of the harmonies and mix is incorrect....hence going into the studio, lol.

Thanks for listening.
youtube.com/watch?v=JQoohtqGXWw
Brian

TheTremulants · 06-10-2012, 05:58 AM

hey man, just had a listen.
Sounds great! In terms of lyrical criticism, I havent got anything to add! I think sometimes people get bogged down on lyrics, and at the end of the day the subject matter works perfectly with your songwriting. Keep it up!

AliceN · 06-11-2012, 10:14 AM

Awesome! I love how the mood of the lyrics matches the mood and rhythm of the melody and instrumentals. Only thing I would say is that you might want to cut out "damn," just because it might throw some people off and mess up their impression of an otherwise amazing song. Don't want to get docked for one word, you know. Great work, keep it up!

Original_Name · 06-25-2012, 12:41 PM

I agree. You need to choose very carefully when, and if, you ever use a curse word. Such a soft mellow song, that doesn't work often because curse words are generally angry words. You need to think of each word and the feeling they give off.

Example:
Joe left the word from of his essay.
The word "left" implies that it was done quickly without much thought. He just left it out. Maybe even forgotten.

Joe omitted the word from his essay.
Gives you the feeling that he thought carefully about. There had to be a reason he omitted the word. Bottom line, they mean the exact same thing, but they leave you with different impressions. "Damn" holds a lot hot energy. The melody and mood you created with it in just those few lines makes it stand out. Like a splotch of red in a pool of blue. If you had built the mood into something that could handle that hot energy and put the word there, it may be different. Like, for example, the outro/last verse thing may be able to hold it. Or something you are REALLY wanting to draw attention to. You may want to put a dot of red. Otherwise, its a safe bet you want to stick to your tone you've created.

Also, this is just an idea. You changed your rhyming pattern for that last verse. ABCB to ABAA. It would build into a stronger climax if you made it all rhyme. It would make it roll better because the lines are so drawn out, by the time you finish the second line of that last verse, most other songs are on they're fourth. That's when your listener expects something to come to a conclusion and, if it doesn't, it can really easily sound choppy. Off the top of my head, you could write "A product of poor taste." or whatever you may want. It's YOUR song.

And if you don't mind, whats this song about? I think I have an idea, but the lyrics seem to contradict themselves at times. Or at least to me. Other than that everything's good. And remember, these are all just suggestions. Don't need to listen to me.

05-15-2012, 10:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
NewSlang Groupie Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 2	Lyrical criticism needed. I am looking for input on this current song I am working on. I am going into the studio to record this track in late June. I need this to be right, because I have some people with good influence taking a listen. If you see any glaring omissions, feel free to let me know. I am not looking for production advice....i realize this is a basement recording, and that some of the harmonies and mix is incorrect....hence going into the studio, lol. Thanks for listening. youtube.com/watch?v=JQoohtqGXWw Brian Last edited by NewSlang; 05-15-2012 at 11:02 PM.

06-11-2012, 10:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
AliceN Groupie Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 6	Awesome! I love how the mood of the lyrics matches the mood and rhythm of the melody and instrumentals. Only thing I would say is that you might want to cut out "damn," just because it might throw some people off and mess up their impression of an otherwise amazing song. Don't want to get docked for one word, you know. Great work, keep it up! __________________ Fight slavery and connect with fans using music--click here to find out more

06-10-2012, 05:58 AM	#2 (permalink)
TheTremulants Groupie Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 17	hey man, just had a listen. Sounds great! In terms of lyrical criticism, I havent got anything to add! I think sometimes people get bogged down on lyrics, and at the end of the day the subject matter works perfectly with your songwriting. Keep it up!

06-25-2012, 12:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
Original_Name Groupie Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 8	I agree. You need to choose very carefully when, and if, you ever use a curse word. Such a soft mellow song, that doesn't work often because curse words are generally angry words. You need to think of each word and the feeling they give off. Example: Joe left the word from of his essay. The word "left" implies that it was done quickly without much thought. He just left it out. Maybe even forgotten. Joe omitted the word from his essay. Gives you the feeling that he thought carefully about. There had to be a reason he omitted the word. Bottom line, they mean the exact same thing, but they leave you with different impressions. "Damn" holds a lot hot energy. The melody and mood you created with it in just those few lines makes it stand out. Like a splotch of red in a pool of blue. If you had built the mood into something that could handle that hot energy and put the word there, it may be different. Like, for example, the outro/last verse thing may be able to hold it. Or something you are REALLY wanting to draw attention to. You may want to put a dot of red. Otherwise, its a safe bet you want to stick to your tone you've created. Also, this is just an idea. You changed your rhyming pattern for that last verse. ABCB to ABAA. It would build into a stronger climax if you made it all rhyme. It would make it roll better because the lines are so drawn out, by the time you finish the second line of that last verse, most other songs are on they're fourth. That's when your listener expects something to come to a conclusion and, if it doesn't, it can really easily sound choppy. Off the top of my head, you could write "A product of poor taste." or whatever you may want. It's YOUR song. And if you don't mind, whats this song about? I think I have an idea, but the lyrics seem to contradict themselves at times. Or at least to me. Other than that everything's good. And remember, these are all just suggestions. Don't need to listen to me.