Absurd Third Werd.Moon June Spoon...mb

[mb stonehouse]

The Awful Waffle

I've always been torn
An' a little lovelorn
I'm twisted
Blacklisted
An' worn

I have a loose grip
On the wheel of my ship
It's mistin'
I'm listin'
This trip

I can't see the docks
Or the wind when it talks
Poseidon
He's hidin'
The rocks

I spy a lost gull
As the shoals crush my hull
In the hell
Of the swell
An' lull

Squall rages to gale
An' I no longer bail
I succumb
An' become
A whale

sept9/2008

[mb stonehouse]

you might be some cool dude
or you might be a square
you might be pretty business-shrewd
or talk to folks who are not there
you might be a food inspector
or you might be a king
or maybe you are just some jester
who's forced to dance and sing

that don't make it right
oh baby it just ain't right
we can sit here and talk all night my friend
but we don't get the chance to do it all again
that don't make it right

you might be a shepherd's wife
who has a way with words and diction
dreaming of a better life
but you can only write bad fiction
you might be a billionaire
whose passion has gone listless
you might live without a care
or maybe you're just his mistress

that don't make it right
oh baby it just ain't right
we can sit here and talk all night my friend
but we don't get the chance to do it all again
that don't make it right

you might be a profound preacher
in churches or tabernacles
acclaimed to be a tremendous teacher
but you still wear your shackles
you might be a man of men
or beg below a steeple
but you won't know the why or when
you're judged before the people

that don't make it right
oh baby it just ain't right
we can sit here,drink,laugh and grin
try and fool each other but then again
that don't make it right


Oct8/2008

[mb stonehouse]

you asked me how I knew
that I loved you
you smiled sadly
as I thought madly
for the perfect thing to say
to move you in that way

you pretended to pout
after the silence ran out
and I stuttered
as I muttered
words which only got in the way
forming some old cliche

my head started to swim
when you talked about him
as I saw you to your train
and I tried to explain
how my feelings were true
just as the whistle blew

apr3/2008

[mb stonehouse]

I tried to seduce her
With conversation and gin
It was cold outside
And I wanted in
Snow'd begun falling
When the first smile finally broke
It warmed up the place
As we shared a smoke
Emily Jo-Hannah
Touches my leg with her toes
Emily Jo-Hannah
Blushes-the tension grows

Her eyes were the colour
Of warm molasses brown bread
And I made a point of hanging
On every word she said
When she was younger
Said she lived on a bay
Was a sculptress of things
The tides washed away
Emily Jo-Hannah's
Voice suddenly slows
Emily Jo-Hannah
Shrugs says that's how it goes

I woke up beside her
As she was leaving the bed
I used to be somebody
She quietly said
She brought back coffee
And some grilled cheese melt
I reached out and touched her
Said I knew just how she felt
Emily Jo-Hannah
Kisses the tip of my nose
Emily Jo-Hannah
Without any clothes

(she tried to seduce me
with conversation and gin
it was cold outside
and she wanted in)

oct2/2008

[ParadoxQ]

This. Is. ****ing. Brilliant. Please dude, write more, and I really want to collaberate! Show me music man! I got so lost in these songs, I felt the story and they showed me pictures. Awesome!

[mb stonehouse]

Part of me is sayin'
That I hate this song
'Nother voice is whisperin'
I might be wrong
Still a third is whinin'
An' beginnin' to pout
'Bout havin' nothin' to say
An' feelin' left out

Part of me is singin'
Just a little off tune
Part of me is sleepin'
Just a little past noon
Cause one of these voices
Deep inside of my head
Apparently didn't hear me
Askin' to repeat what I said

Part of me is writin'
An' it flows like a dream
Words pourin' out
Like current in midstream
But now all of them voices
Ain't doin' nothin' excitin'
They're lost for words
Cause they can't read my writin'

oct12/2007

[mb stonehouse]

let go of my heart
you ain't gonna break it
i got a little faith left
and you ain't gonna shake it
all i need is
just a little time
to find me again
and i'll be fine

let go of may heart,girl
(and i'll let go of your hair)

let go of my soul
you ain't gonna curse it
it's all i'll ever be
and you can't reimburse it
all i need is
for wounds to heal
time to mend
it's no big deal

let go of my heart,girl
(and i'll let go of your hair)


B7...
E A7 E A7 B7 A7 E A7 E B7 E A7 B7


ty for the compliment.

[VEGANGELICA]

Originally Posted by mb stonehouse

I tried to seduce her
With conversation and gin
It was cold outside
And I wanted in
Snow'd begun falling
When the first smile finally broke
It warmed up the place
As we shared a smoke
Emily Jo-Hannah
Touches my leg with her toes
Emily Jo-Hannah
Blushes-the tension grows

Her eyes were the colour
Of warm molasses brown bread
And I made a point of hanging
On every word she said
When she was younger
Said she lived on a bay
Was a sculptress of things
The tides washed away
Emily Jo-Hannah's
Voice suddenly slows
Emily Jo-Hannah
Shrugs says that's how it goes

I woke up beside her
As she was leaving the bed
I used to be somebody
She quietly said
She brought back coffee
And some grilled cheese melt
I reached out and touched her
Said I knew just how she felt
Emily Jo-Hannah
Kisses the tip of my nose
Emily Jo-Hannah
Without any clothes

(she tried to seduce me
with conversation and gin
it was cold outside
and she wanted in)

oct2/2008

Stonehouse, this is my favorite of your poems/lyrics because you've created a warm, realistic feeling of two people accepting and desiring each other. You do this by using specific, tender descriptions that are sweet, surprising and sometimes sensual, with my favorites in bold.

I also like the repetition of the first and last stanzas in which you simply change the pronoun to show the reciprocity of their feelings.

I like how you create a sense of Emily Jo-Hannah's history and weave it into the current moments the two are experiencing together, all within one short song. I admire that you tell a story concisely especially since I'm almost always overly long with my lyrics!

One word I wish were different is "things" in these lines: "Was a sculptress of things/The tides washed away." Compared to all the specific details you use elsewhere, "things" seems so generic, though I couldn't think of a good substitute...just that I wished there were one.

The cheese melt was a nice touch, although I at first debated with myself whether it was too specific such that it became humorous...but I decided I liked it. The simple gesture of someone bringing another food in bed is sweet and comforting.

I enjoyed the detail of Emily once being a sculptress. I like the idea of her having worked at things that didn't last or pan out...but she appears to be going on with her life and enjoying it. I was reminded of completely fabricated lyrics I wrote about a man who meets a woman who makes sculptures from twisty-ties:

"Then one night he went out to eat,
gave his order to a stranger who smiled.
He thought, she’d be someone he’d like to meet.
She seemed so open like a child.

She saved twisty-ties from bags of breads,
wove them into colorful tapestries,
characters with twisty-tie ring heads,
and mobiles swaying in the breeze."
http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...tml#post725912

Maybe that was Emily Jo-Hannah when she lived by the bay!

I like the combination of regrets, understanding, acceptance, and comfort in these lyrics. Your description makes the events feel vividly real, as if they could have really happened.

[mb stonehouse]

Hi Vegangelica
Wow.Thanks for both the nice words and the good constructive criticism!I had not thought about the word "things".But what you said gave me some food for thought.I was trying to use it as a metaphor I guess,to give the impression that in the past she tried to"create" things ( was it a family or a marriage or something else----something of importance to her for sure ---) that the tides "of time" took away.This was an afterthought of the original first draft of that verse.I tried to coax it out more,but I think it still remains obscure.
Personally,I find that the line "And i made a point of hanging on every word she said" is somewhat weak.But I despise editing a piece of writing once I feel like it's pretty much done,UNLESS,suddenly a more accurate and honest line or word comes to mind.
I understand your feelings about how easy it is for a piece to become too wordy.I used to do it myself.I have binders to prove it.In the last few years though ,I have been making a more conscious effort to try and say more with fewer words.Another thing for me recently,I learning to give hints in a song or poem,about things which may or may not have happened,instead of blurting it right out, so much easier for me to clean up those details - if they're not important to the main idea I'm trying to convey that is....lol
Again,thanks so much for taking the time to respond.You really did give me stuff to think about,and apply in the future.It made my day.Keep writin'.

[VEGANGELICA]

Originally Posted by mb stonehouse

Hi Vegangelica
Wow.Thanks for both the nice words and the good constructive criticism!I had not thought about the word "things".But what you said gave me some food for thought.I was trying to use it as a metaphor I guess,to give the impression that in the past she tried to"create" things ( was it a family or a marriage or something else----something of importance to her for sure ---) that the tides "of time" took away.This was an afterthought of the original first draft of that verse.I tried to coax it out more,but I think it still remains obscure.

You're welcome! I'm always happy if my feedback is useful in some way.

I understand now about "things" being a metaphor for all sorts of endeavors she may have worked on (relationships as well as physical things).

Originally Posted by mb stonehouse

Personally,I find that the line "And i made a point of hanging on every word she said" is somewhat weak.But I despise editing a piece of writing once I feel like it's pretty much done,UNLESS,suddenly a more accurate and honest line or word comes to mind.

I thought about that line as I was reading. A negative interpretation of it is that he's just using or manipulating her. However, on the positive side, people who really *do* care actually *do* make a point of really listening to someone in whom they are interested. So, I chose to assume he was making a point of hanging on her every word mostly because of that second reason. I like the ambiguity in the line because it made me think about his motivations.

Originally Posted by mb stonehouse

I understand your feelings about how easy it is for a piece to become too wordy.I used to do it myself.I have binders to prove it.In the last few years though ,I have been making a more conscious effort to try and say more with fewer words.Another thing for me recently,I learning to give hints in a song or poem,about things which may or may not have happened,instead of blurting it right out, so much easier for me to clean up those details - if they're not important to the main idea I'm trying to convey that is....lol
Again,thanks so much for taking the time to respond.You really did give me stuff to think about,and apply in the future.It made my day.Keep writin'.

Saying more with less is always good. I like your idea of giving hints rather than blurting out the state of some situation. Hints let a listener be more involved creatively in interpreting a song, and that's fun. My only gripe is with lyrics (not yours) that become so obscure that I don't know what in the world they are about! I'm glad my response was helpful.