Hi, would you rate my lyrics please?

jeffgreggs · 04-21-2012, 04:39 AM

Sorry for the late reply folks! But thanks very much for the input, totally see where you're all coming from! Thanks, appreciate it!

~~mallycobain~~ · 05-01-2012, 05:16 AM

I love how it's to the point, and doesn't use big words that no one can understand. Your lyrics are true, and relateable.

****Can someone help me????****
Just some ideas I wrote down while listening to Something In The Way - Nirvana (instrumental)
These are bits of my poetry, ideas of what I want the song to be about;
any lyric ideas? simple, straight to the point, not too wordy?

"I taste the silence as it infests my mind.
A touch of sanity and bitter hate,
Yet I need its warm embrace."

"It’s okay, don't pity me, please. I have no friends..but maybe it's better that way"

"My mind is an overwhelming mess of dark and twisted thoughts that have taken over and chased out the soul I once had. Maybe it's better for me to be alone with myself..I can't handle people. I can't handle the boundless pain inside me, let alone the pain of everyday life. I'm too bitter and hostile for people. I hate people because people hate me. I'll never live to be what I've worked for and I'll never live up to anyone’s expectations. Happiness is a forgiven emotion to me. If I have none within me, so how in hell can I share it with people? So I choose to be alone, because it's what's best. I've learned this the hard way over the past years. Over these years I have found my friend, they're in my head. "

irisblind · 05-06-2012, 07:42 PM

Jeff buckley is a good example of how to write love songs that aren't too cliche.

Automatic Writing · 05-14-2012, 02:53 AM

I think your lyrics are very relate-able. Your sense of expression is very keen, I think there was a comment about avoiding cliches but if that's something that comes naturally to you go for it.

blastingas10 · 05-20-2012, 03:58 AM

I'm just gonna post a verse I've written.

Through eyes of ocean
Our senses lost in devotion
Treachery has changed my plans
So many thoughts left unspoken.

Any opinions? Criticism? Is it too cliche?

Rangeroad15 · 05-31-2012, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blastingas10

I'm just gonna post a verse I've written.

Through eyes of ocean
Our senses lost in devotion
Treachery has changed my plans
So many thoughts left unspoken.

Any opinions? Criticism? Is it too cliche?

woah man i like that verse quite a bit and i cant even put together music in my head for it cause i think it coudl go with so many genres. Nice

blastingas10 · 06-01-2012, 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rangeroad15

woah man i like that verse quite a bit and i cant even put together music in my head for it cause i think it coudl go with so many genres. Nice

Hava thanks man. I've scrapped it. Just another thing I wrote that I didn't like

semtex · 06-02-2012, 02:25 AM

Honestly not really my style...I'm not much for rhyming. Here and there it's fine and if it just happens, but otherwise it comes to seem somewhat corny and also like a structural restriction in expression. I don't really like the style...A little cliche like someone said, although the part about the mockingbird did stand out to me. It's a bit too concrete for my taste and it doesn't feel so raw and real as I like

Henry.Fatih · 06-11-2012, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeffgreggs

Hi, I've written 3 songs, and was wondering if you'd let me know what you think! Be honest, thanks

1. I STILL LOVE YOU

You walked away, yesterday,
All alone, I am today
I let you in, I shared your soul
You broke my heart, you took your toll

PRE-CHORUS
You’re on my mind, all the time
I wish i could give you a sign...

CHORUS
That I still love you
I still love you
I should have told you every day,
I wish the pain would go away,
Cause I still love you...

I tried to call you on your phone,
I’m sick of being all alone,
I was complete, You were my life,
I wanted you to be my wife

PRE-CHORUS
CHORUS

It’s in the past, now you’ve moved on
There one day, next you’ve gone
You said some things, it meant nothing,
I’d just bought you a diamond ring,
taught a mockingbird to sing,
i took you under my wing

felt like a piece that didn’t fit,
you once told me that I had lit
up the candle of your heart
now i can’t escape the dark
you’re putting me through hell
all that’s left’s an empty shell

PRECHORUS
CHORUS x2
I still love you, I still love you,
Do you love me?, Do you love me?,
You don’t love me, You don’t love me,
You never loved me, You never loved me,
But I still love you, I still love you,
I still love you, I still love you,

2. FRIEND-ZONE

You asked me what was wrong
I’m gazing in your eyes
“I love you with my heart, my soul and mind”
Heart racing, butterflies

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you

I thought that you were made for me
I’d be with you until the end
With those few words you broke my heart
When you said “let’s just be friends”

I told you of my love for you
She takes my hands from her hips
You look down towards the floor
The smile faded from your lips

You’re speaking with a cold, blank stare
You walk away, and I’m alone
Your words stuck in my mind
Forever stuck in the friend-zone

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you

I thought that you were made for me
I’d be with you until the end
With those few words you broke my heart
When you said “let’s just be friends”

You were one of my best friends,
Our memories a distant thought,
I loved you with my heart, soul and mind,
The times we shared are all I’ve got,

You’re on my mind every day
And I still see you in my dreams
You may not be perfect, baby
But you’re perfect for me

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you
You’re on my mind every day
And I still see you in my dreams
You may not be perfect, baby
But you’re perfect for me

3. BALLAD OF THE BROKEN HEART
You were my soul
You were my life
You’re cutting me
Like a knife

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

You said I meant
Nothing to you
But since you’ve gone
My heart’s in two

When you’re around, my nerves were shot
From the start your love I’ve sought
At the start I was so shy
Without your love I thought I’d die
When I asked you to be mine
I never thought I’d crossed the line

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

I wish you would
Walk through my door
And things would be
As they were before

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

Thanks!

I don't know how old you are but I'm impressed! This is both poetical and lyrical as well as musical. There is nothing I would change about it at all.

What I want to hear is the musical version. You are a poet for sure. But poets and musicians are different animals. I'm a poet and I'm impressed.

The musical portion have you developed it? Do you have an idea for it? If you do definitely post a small demo of it on Sound Cloud or something like that so that we can all hear what some of this sounds like.

Dragonite222 · 06-11-2012, 05:53 PM

They were good, but i found them too simple almost.

05-06-2012, 07:42 PM	#13 (permalink)
irisblind Groupie Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Australia Posts: 8	Jeff buckley is a good example of how to write love songs that aren't too cliche. __________________ When soul drags behind.. ...Men seem to divide

04-21-2012, 04:39 AM	#11 (permalink)
jeffgreggs Groupie Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 2	Sorry for the late reply folks! But thanks very much for the input, totally see where you're all coming from! Thanks, appreciate it!

05-01-2012, 05:16 AM	#12 (permalink)
~~mallycobain~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 13	I love how it's to the point, and doesn't use big words that no one can understand. Your lyrics are true, and relateable. **Can someone help me????** Just some ideas I wrote down while listening to Something In The Way - Nirvana (instrumental) These are bits of my poetry, ideas of what I want the song to be about; any lyric ideas? simple, straight to the point, not too wordy? "I taste the silence as it infests my mind. A touch of sanity and bitter hate, Yet I need its warm embrace." "It’s okay, don't pity me, please. I have no friends..but maybe it's better that way" "My mind is an overwhelming mess of dark and twisted thoughts that have taken over and chased out the soul I once had. Maybe it's better for me to be alone with myself..I can't handle people. I can't handle the boundless pain inside me, let alone the pain of everyday life. I'm too bitter and hostile for people. I hate people because people hate me. I'll never live to be what I've worked for and I'll never live up to anyone’s expectations. Happiness is a forgiven emotion to me. If I have none within me, so how in hell can I share it with people? So I choose to be alone, because it's what's best. I've learned this the hard way over the past years. Over these years I have found my friend, they're in my head. "

05-14-2012, 02:53 AM	#14 (permalink)
Automatic Writing Groupie Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 19	I think your lyrics are very relate-able. Your sense of expression is very keen, I think there was a comment about avoiding cliches but if that's something that comes naturally to you go for it.

05-20-2012, 03:58 AM	#15 (permalink)
blastingas10 Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 2,126	I'm just gonna post a verse I've written. Through eyes of ocean Our senses lost in devotion Treachery has changed my plans So many thoughts left unspoken. Any opinions? Criticism? Is it too cliche?

06-02-2012, 02:25 AM	#18 (permalink)
semtex Groupie Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 10	Honestly not really my style...I'm not much for rhyming. Here and there it's fine and if it just happens, but otherwise it comes to seem somewhat corny and also like a structural restriction in expression. I don't really like the style...A little cliche like someone said, although the part about the mockingbird did stand out to me. It's a bit too concrete for my taste and it doesn't feel so raw and real as I like

06-11-2012, 05:53 PM	#20 (permalink)
Dragonite222 Groupie Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 1	They were good, but i found them too simple almost.