Jriddle

I wrote this a few days ago, and I just wanted somebody's objective opinion
Its kind of a spin on a few nursery rhymes

Good morning Sunshine [verse 1]
Oh, how I'd love to see you all the time
I'd hide the moon if you'd stay in the sky
For just a little longer.
Hide-and-seek inside the clouds,
And I swear I can't quite figure out
Why the world stole something so beautiful.

I've been working overtime [pre-chorus]
Trying to find
The words, just to define
Why you should stay.

Good morning sunshine, [Chorus]
My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
Don't go away.
Twinkle twinkle, little star,
and the spider got away.
There's a little man inside the moon
And he's begging you to stay.

Good morning moonlight, [Verse 2]
Just like a diamond in the sky.
Sometimes the shadow of the sun
can give us reason to fly again.
But if a shadow's what I'm chasing
How can I know if every second's wasted.
When I'm hiding half my face,
It's the shadow's embrace
That means more than anything.

I've been working overtime [Pre-chorus]
Trying to find
The words, just to define
Why you should stay.

Good morning sunshine, [Chorus]
My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
Don't go away.
Twinkle twinkle, little star,
and the spider got away.
There's a little man inside the moon
And he's begging you to stay.

Do you ever feel [Bridge]
Like the moon is chasing after you?
'Cause it always seems
Like the sun is gone far to quickly.
I've been trying to be
Just as bright as I can be
I wish that you would notice me..

Good morning sunshine, [Chorus]
My only sunshine,
You made me happy,
You went away.
Twinkle twinkle, little star,
and the spider got away.
There's a little man inside the moon
And he's begging you to stay.



That's it, I don't know if it's too corny, etc. But there's a fair bit of meaning behind it, so I want to make it good, if I can. Don't know whether or not to YouTube it, so comments would be fantastic!

Chantal-_-

Lyrics are a bit cheesy, but if you listen to any of the songs on the radio that's all there is :P I don't know much about song writing, so correct me if im wrong but, Isn't there supposed to be the same about sylables in each line if you want it too flow? I rated good btw.

fruitbasket2468

It seems pretty good for a poem - but for song lyrics, it's really long and wordy. In my uneducated opinion, lyrics have to be concise and say a lot in only a few words, otherwise the listener gets lost and doesn't remember the words or the direction of the song. But keep writing, we're all here to improve anyway.

that_dude

I'm interested in the name of the song also the timing of the music that goes with it? Some of the lyrics made me thing of "I am the walrus", so kind of spacey and it didn't have alot of emotion in it, but that's just what I read into it.

someonecompletelyrandom

... but they're sweet.

andrew_turnbull

i wouldn't quit the day job just yet

Abrahamcity

Well how many poems have you written by now? I like this

marksingermiller

Good morning Sun - shine [verse 1]
Oh, how I'd love to seeeeee - you allllll the e time
I'd hide the moon ----if you'd stay in the skyyyy eeei
For - just - a little longer- be by my siiiiiee ide.

(Riff here)

Hide-and-seek insiiiiide thee the clouds,
And I swear I can't quite figureee orrrr or with out

short cut to

Why the world stole something so beautiful.... as you arree.ee. - You aree!!! aaaaarrrrrhhhh (high note)

Rifff again

I've been working overtime [pre-chorus]
Trying to find just the words to define
Why you should stay..... I thought you were miiii ii i ine

Good morning sunshine, .(sunshine!!! - repeate backing vocals mix)
My only sunshine,
my only sun shine aaa inee

my only sun shine, my only sun

shiiiii i aa aa ine

cut to electric guitar finish deep note back to verse


You make me happy,
- Don't go away.
Twinkle twinkle, little star......I hope you willllll stay

There's a little man inside the m oooooo ooo ooo oonn.... (scream( dont go away

BRIDGE

And he's begging you to stay! (scream)
and he's saying never go away! (Scream)
and hes beeggin you to stay (Scream
Please never go awaaaaa eeey eey

- please never go away.....

voilin, orchestra....

and he's saying never go awwaayy aaah aa ah... eey....


last vers sing with extra step

Good morning moonlight.......

Just like - a diamond in the sky...


Back to the beat now

Sometimes the shadow of the suuuu uu a aunn

then scream and pasion here in the song
can give us reason to flylyyyyy yyy . again and again and again -- yeah. oh yerrrr

I looooved you......

Soft moment then back to verse
...

But if a shadow's what I'm chasing ..
How can I know if every second's wasted.
When I'm hiding half my face,
It's the shadow's embraceeeeee (scream with passion


That means more than any thiiii ii i ing, I ing.... (da da da da)
-----


I've been working overtime

(overlap vocals ( overtime - overtime repeat)

Trying to find
The woooooords, just to define

(Pause)

Why you should stay....

You make me happy,
Don't gooooooo aaaaway.

Good morning sunshine, [Chorus]
- My only sunshine,
- dont gooo awayttt eeet et
you are my
Twinkle twinkle, little star,
and the spider you are... don't got awwwwaaaay.



There's a little man inside the moon
and you know ill see you soon
And he's begging you to stayyyy eee eee ey.

Do you ever feel
Like the moon is chasing after you?


'Cause it always seems
Like the sun is gone far to quickly. for meeee ( screammm)


I've been trying - to -be
Just as bright as - I can -be

I just wish that you would noooo tice me..

I gues its a just said and done, how did we come undun

wish you were on the moon with me

Good morning sunshine,
I wish you were mind
My only sunshine,
when You made me happy,

You went away.
why couldnt you stay

Your just a twinkle

twinkel little star thats what you are

your my spider that went awaaaaa a aaa eey

my twinkele little star

why coudlnt you just stay eee eee eye

my twinckle little star

i'm beggin you to staeey eey eey

my twinkle little star

why couldnt you

( big note)

just staaaaaey eey ey

my spider

marksingermiller

Hey i wrote it as i seen it as a song hope you like it cheers , i think its real good

marksingermiller

hey

Good morning Sun - shine
Oh, how I'd love to seeeeee - you allllll the e time
I'd hide the moon ----if you'd stay in the skyyyy eeei
For - just - a little longer- be by my siiiiiee ide.