Is this anything good? :P

timeless · 07-02-2011, 11:30 PM

Hope: Confine Me

Confine me
This realm of what is to be expected
Every push and pull
Separating what could have been

Even as the lilies bloom
Death never soon retreats
The webs spun by demons in me
Capturing hope in task

As dreary sun melds into a different side
Forever as each world collides
Through all of this melted snow

Confine me
This malade of reason
Every push and pull
Further ascends into shrapnel

Even as each strand plucked away in disgust
Brushes itself off and retreats
Even as my realm is dead
I cheer for what I know
Since hope can never run red

Confine me
This lie of what is to be expected
Every push and pull
Separating fact from fiction

Even as the lilies bloom
Darkness hates to retreat
The fears and insecurities the spiders
Gently weave

In this belief
That entangles, tarnishes me
I still hold true:

My hope cannot rust
Since if it did it would redden
Within my stream of tears and blood

Confine me
This realm of what is always fake
Every tug and yank
Separating what could have been

As fading night reaches through into a protected side
Forever life waits until each world collides
Through all of this frozen haze

Never a second goes by
A remembrance
A chance to change what was foretold
To modify all fate
The message that separates and unfolds
Though the earth may shake

But still.
Confining me
This box of what is already known
Every push and pull
Causing me to choke

But still.
Hope is never forgotten
To change all that has been said
A telling of what chance
Has opportunity deserted on each head

But still… at least It exists.
-----------------

About how sometimes hope can hurt those who use it too much
And how without it all are crushed
And how fate chooses sides
And separates different places
Although it should not.

It is about how the expectations of the world are unfair.

-----------------

I want to know honest opinions... I was bored, idc if it sucks tbh... lulz

nowhereusa · 07-03-2011, 06:00 PM

is this meant to be a poem or lyrics? Whether or not it is good depends on what the aim of it is.

~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ · 07-03-2011, 06:24 PM

As lyrics, I could see them working but I'm not blown away. As a poem it needs work. More detailed critique upon your answer.

~~LinusZsvenning~~ · 07-14-2011, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conan

As lyrics, I could see them working but I'm not blown away. As a poem it needs work. More detailed critique upon your answer.

Totally agree with you, it's good, but it need something more.

Peace.. ..

~~[MERIT]~~ · 07-14-2011, 02:38 PM

It seems more like lyrics than poetry to me. But it's honestly not very cohesive. It has potential though. A few revisions, an acoustic guitar, a gravelly voice, and it could work man.

ChordLord · 07-21-2011, 05:28 PM

Interesting stuff here

jenurenazensis · 08-03-2011, 06:38 AM

I don't think so it needs more.It is enough and it is good.But it does nit seems to be poetry.You have to work hard to make i poetry.Just try to use more rhyming words.Your length is fine only look after your words.

07-02-2011, 11:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
timeless Groupie Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 2	Is this anything good? :P Hope: Confine Me Confine me This realm of what is to be expected Every push and pull Separating what could have been Even as the lilies bloom Death never soon retreats The webs spun by demons in me Capturing hope in task As dreary sun melds into a different side Forever as each world collides Through all of this melted snow Confine me This malade of reason Every push and pull Further ascends into shrapnel Even as each strand plucked away in disgust Brushes itself off and retreats Even as my realm is dead I cheer for what I know Since hope can never run red Confine me This lie of what is to be expected Every push and pull Separating fact from fiction Even as the lilies bloom Darkness hates to retreat The fears and insecurities the spiders Gently weave In this belief That entangles, tarnishes me I still hold true: My hope cannot rust Since if it did it would redden Within my stream of tears and blood Confine me This realm of what is always fake Every tug and yank Separating what could have been As fading night reaches through into a protected side Forever life waits until each world collides Through all of this frozen haze Never a second goes by A remembrance A chance to change what was foretold To modify all fate The message that separates and unfolds Though the earth may shake But still. Confining me This box of what is already known Every push and pull Causing me to choke But still. Hope is never forgotten To change all that has been said A telling of what chance Has opportunity deserted on each head But still… at least It exists. ----------------- About how sometimes hope can hurt those who use it too much And how without it all are crushed And how fate chooses sides And separates different places Although it should not. It is about how the expectations of the world are unfair. ----------------- I want to know honest opinions... I was bored, idc if it sucks tbh... lulz

07-03-2011, 06:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
nowhereusa Groupie Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 19	is this meant to be a poem or lyrics? Whether or not it is good depends on what the aim of it is.

07-03-2011, 06:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4,538	As lyrics, I could see them working but I'm not blown away. As a poem it needs work. More detailed critique upon your answer.

07-14-2011, 02:38 PM	#5 (permalink)
~~[MERIT]~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 4,814	It seems more like lyrics than poetry to me. But it's honestly not very cohesive. It has potential though. A few revisions, an acoustic guitar, a gravelly voice, and it could work man.

07-21-2011, 05:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
ChordLord Groupie Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 21	Interesting stuff here

08-03-2011, 06:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
jenurenazensis Groupie Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 6	I don't think so it needs more.It is enough and it is good.But it does nit seems to be poetry.You have to work hard to make i poetry.Just try to use more rhyming words.Your length is fine only look after your words.