Untitled thus far

bonesaw-orchestra · 05-26-2011, 05:16 AM

part I
A little boy hangs his head in shame
His father won't be back again
There he hangs, a silhouette
9 lives left behind, they will never forget

A town plagued by poverty
Of turmoil and regret
A sunset that never rises
News sensationalizes

And then there is silence.

There should be riots.

Instead there are gangs
Murder and corruption
No protection
High infection
No detection
No direction

They want to keep us illiterate
Silenced, degenerate
They give us the tools to destruction
The aim was assimilation
Manipulation, humiliation
Suffer spiritual starvation
/ part II
Forced to buy
Forced to sell
Forced to go
Through financial hell
All for what? A rich man's dream
Chasing the cars and the girls and the cream

Without a single soul in tact
Once you die, money won't bring you back
And your life well spent was meaningless
And all that debt and stress you had was worthless
Just like the hours you spent, slaving for society
Against an oppositional majority

All for what? To be drowned in formaldehyde
On display in chemicals, set up in a velvet box
To rot in the ground, to feed the worms?

What was it worth?
/part III
Love your life, possessions end up possessing you
What you own oppresses you, if you don't appreciate
Every single sun rise, as sure as time, unable to differentiate
All of the guarded words we say, only now things have changed.

I see through a third lens one more poetic than the rest
Finding meaning in the smell of rain, painting the sidewalk in shades of gray
I see definition in the simple stars, dotting this fishbowl like white grenades
And there is no way that misery pervades, nor will it persuade me
Into thinking or believing life is anything less than spectacular

Despite every single ****ed up and disgusting thing
We, as the pestilence, have brought upon those most vulnerable
All we can do is protect our hearts and help those who need it
In spite of our differences, together we can dream and also achieve it.

- A piece I felt compelled to write after recalling a documentary I watched last summer. The first stanza is based on a First Nations family in a northern Ontario reserve, where the suicide rate may be one of the highest in the world. Basically, the father killed himself, leaving the mother with several children. Eventually, she remarried, and if I recall correctly, she and her new husband committed suicide, leaving behind nine children, some of which witnessed the physical aftermath of the suicides. I've been trying to find the organization who made the documentary, but the title of it has left my memory. I wrote this pretty fast/passionately so excuse some errors.

**Scarlett O'Hara** · 05-26-2011, 06:27 AM

I liked it, great theme, however - you could probably expand the describing words a bit. Such as:

Despite every single ****ed up and disgusting thing
We, as the pestilence, have brought upon those most vulnerable
All we can do is protect our hearts and help those who need it
in spite of our differences, together we can dream and also succeed it.

TO

Despite every appalling and grimy obsession
We, as the endemic, have struck upon those most vulnerable
All we can do is guard our hearts while aiding others who suffer.
In spite of our differences, together we can dream, we can succeed, we can make change.

Now bare in mind this is merely my way of writing, there is no right or wrong way to express your feelings. It's only for if you would like to strengthen your sentences to become as powerful as you feel it inside.

djchameleon · 05-26-2011, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonesaw-orchestra

- A piece I felt compelled to write after recalling a documentary I watched last summer. The first stanza is based on a First Nations family in a northern Ontario reserve, where the suicide rate may be one of the highest in the world. Basically, the father killed himself, leaving the mother with several children. Eventually, she remarried, and if I recall correctly, she and her new husband committed suicide, leaving behind nine children, some of which witnessed the physical aftermath of the suicides. I've been trying to find the organization who made the documentary, but the title of it has left my memory. I wrote this pretty fast/passionately so excuse some errors.

Wow that's incredibly sad and selfish of the parents to do that but I won't get into a suicide debate about that. We talked about that already ad naseum.

IMO, the language fit fine for what you were working with and the way that it was formatted. I don't feel like it needs to add more description/fluff to it. I feel like it makes more of a stronger point stripped down the way it is.

wavverton · 05-30-2011, 03:01 PM

i liked it alot, keep it up

~~The Virgin~~ · 06-08-2011, 06:59 AM

i'm sorry but i'm getting the impression that this is another emo song.
i'm really not into sad songs. i think they're giving a wrong message to people.
the world today needs more happy songs.

05-26-2011, 05:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
bonesaw-orchestra Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 64	Untitled thus far part I A little boy hangs his head in shame His father won't be back again There he hangs, a silhouette 9 lives left behind, they will never forget A town plagued by poverty Of turmoil and regret A sunset that never rises News sensationalizes And then there is silence. There should be riots. Instead there are gangs Murder and corruption No protection High infection No detection No direction They want to keep us illiterate Silenced, degenerate They give us the tools to destruction The aim was assimilation Manipulation, humiliation Suffer spiritual starvation / part II Forced to buy Forced to sell Forced to go Through financial hell All for what? A rich man's dream Chasing the cars and the girls and the cream Without a single soul in tact Once you die, money won't bring you back And your life well spent was meaningless And all that debt and stress you had was worthless Just like the hours you spent, slaving for society Against an oppositional majority All for what? To be drowned in formaldehyde On display in chemicals, set up in a velvet box To rot in the ground, to feed the worms? What was it worth? /part III Love your life, possessions end up possessing you What you own oppresses you, if you don't appreciate Every single sun rise, as sure as time, unable to differentiate All of the guarded words we say, only now things have changed. I see through a third lens one more poetic than the rest Finding meaning in the smell of rain, painting the sidewalk in shades of gray I see definition in the simple stars, dotting this fishbowl like white grenades And there is no way that misery pervades, nor will it persuade me Into thinking or believing life is anything less than spectacular Despite every single ***ed up and disgusting thing We, as the pestilence, have brought upon those most vulnerable All we can do is protect our hearts and help those who need it In spite of our differences, together we can dream and also achieve it. - A piece I felt compelled to write after recalling a documentary I watched last summer. The first stanza is based on a First Nations family in a northern Ontario reserve, where the suicide rate may be one of the highest in the world. Basically, the father killed himself, leaving the mother with several children. Eventually, she remarried, and if I recall correctly, she and her new husband committed suicide, leaving behind nine children, some of which witnessed the physical aftermath of the suicides. I've been trying to find the organization who made the documentary, but the title of it has left my memory. I wrote this pretty fast/passionately so excuse some errors. Last edited by bonesaw-orchestra; 05-26-2011 at 06:23 AM.*

05-26-2011, 06:27 AM	#2 (permalink)
Scarlett O'Hara Make it so Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 6,181	I liked it, great theme, however - you could probably expand the describing words a bit. Such as: Despite every single ****ed up and disgusting thing We, as the pestilence, have brought upon those most vulnerable All we can do is protect our hearts and help those who need it in spite of our differences, together we can dream and also succeed it. TO Despite every appalling and grimy obsession We, as the endemic, have struck upon those most vulnerable All we can do is guard our hearts while aiding others who suffer. In spite of our differences, together we can dream, we can succeed, we can make change. Now bare in mind this is merely my way of writing, there is no right or wrong way to express your feelings. It's only for if you would like to strengthen your sentences to become as powerful as you feel it inside. __________________ "Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots

05-30-2011, 03:01 PM	#4 (permalink)
wavverton Groupie Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 17	i liked it alot, keep it up

06-08-2011, 06:59 AM	#5 (permalink)
~~The Virgin~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Cebu, Philippines Posts: 677	i'm sorry but i'm getting the impression that this is another emo song. i'm really not into sad songs. i think they're giving a wrong message to people. the world today needs more happy songs.