[Royal Tenenbaum]

Last Dying Day

"I’m not really charming, I ain’t even cute,
That’s a fact of life that I won’t refute,
I can’t find it in me to be romantic,
I don’t really care to get into semantics,

I’m not rich, don’t even make enough to be poor,
But I’d rather fight for you than take a cheap, dirty whore,
I work through the day to be with you at night,
I fight through all the **** just to hold you tight,

I ain’t much a poet, not even too smart,
But when it comes to you, I’m here to do my part,
I say I’m yours, I’ll love you ‘til the end,
And yet here I am, all alone again,

No sophistication, wasn’t born with much class,
This country-club circle-jerk can kiss my ass,
Your family says I’m not good enough for you,
That may be, but I know one thing that’s true,

One thing I promise, will never go away,
One thing I hope that’ll make ya stay,
I’ll love you more and more, I can honestly say,
From the minute we met, to my last dying day,

I’ll hold ya in my arms ‘til the day you die,
And pray ya grow wings to fly up in the sky,
The choice is yours, it’s all been said,
But without your love, I might as well be dead,

My heart holds more than you can possibly weigh,
All these things I says might sound cliché,
My love burns brighter than a cigarette flame,
And it’ll stay that way to my last dying day."

Whattya guys think? It'd sound like some weepy ballad, but the lyrics are spoken over a downtempo kinda groove beat with a touch of soul. I got the inspiration and beat while listening to "Nugget," by Cake

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MOMMY MAD AT ME 'CAUSE I MADE A BOOM ON THE RUG

BananaPhish

Well, its almost like Jackson Browne got a upgrade to the 21st century, ha. Not to shabby though, course I've always been one to enjoy a heartache ballad now and again.

Ska Lagos Jew Sun Ra

Why do people think every song has to have a rhyming scheme like:

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Word Word Word "First Last Word"
Word Word Word "Word that Rhymes With First Word"
Word Word Word "Second Last Word"
Word Word Word "Word that Rhymes With Second Word"

*new block*

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I'm not doing this to be a jerk, but it makes it sound like a kindergartner wrote it.

I mean, like this seemingly sentimental love bit:

I’m not rich, don’t even make enough to be poor,
But I’d rather fight for you than take a cheap, dirty whore,
I work through the day to be with you at night,
I fight through all the **** just to hold you tight,

Way too clunky, and awkward, to be taken seriously. The actual strength of the words is hurt by the fact they are strewn together in a sense to match the very one dimensional rhyming scheme. It's too wordy, and very unnatural. Especially when dealing with something as delicate as romance, that is BAD.

Trying focusing on what your song is about, and don't write lines out sparsely when the rhyming makes sense. Not every line has to rhyme with the last, not every block has to have exactly four lines, not every rhyme has to be done just once.

Switch it up a bit, focus on what your song actually is trying to say, and write it of that not just simplistic rhymes that come off your head, and bear no resemblance to each other just because you feel you have to completely follow a standard formula.

[Royal Tenenbaum]

Thank you

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MOMMY MAD AT ME 'CAUSE I MADE A BOOM ON THE RUG

s_k

The rhyme is a bit too angry black guy for me.
And I mean the rhyme, the rhythm, not the words themselves.
I don't like really care too much for it. But then I don't care for lyrics that much anyhow

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