LuneLight

Thanx for the constructive criticism. It’s always welcomed and appreciated. The insults, not so much

MicShazam

Sorry

If it's any consolation, I know nothing about poetry.

Coconino

I think they're good! I think it would help to add metaphor to some though, not gonna lie

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Joshy

this is good

LuneLight

Waking up to the sound of screaming
Realising I’m alone and I must be dreaming
I must be dreaming
I must be dreaming

And this night is too long
Too much time to think about all the things that could go wrong
Too many truths I thought I buried
Arise and rip through my mind
Revealing all that I’m dreading

Lying in the dark as my mind races,
Dragging me down to the darkest places
Leaving me to wallow in my own prison
But I’ll bury this feeling once the sun has risen

This day is too long
And I’m too weak and uninspired
to fight for things I once desired
Stumbling from moment to moment,
hoping I won’t fall apart
And every moment I don’t is a personal triumph

There’s a war in my head that I’m not winning
And I’m bound to a life that I’m barely surviving
I don’t know how to ask for help,
But then what’s the point when my scars are hidden
I guess nothing’s there if only I see the demons
I must be dreaming
I must be dreaming

OccultHawk

imo it’s too straightforward

It’s like a paragraph about night terrors

it should be more cryptic and less transparent

A poem about dreams should have a dreamy quality to it

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LuneLight

I hear you. This poem is actually about anxiety. I get what you mean about it being too straightforward though. Thanx for your input

Marie Monday

I disagree that the poem has to be more cryptic. Cryptic poems are cool, but making it less easily intelligible does not make it better. I partly agree with hawk though: it is a bit too straightforward, in the sense that it's not much more than a normal description of this anxiety. Think about what would distinguish a poem from normal text to make it special: interesting play and experiments with language, apt and beautiful methaphors, original ways of saying things that are difficult to express. It's cool that you're doing this, keep on writing!

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Beastcub

Woah woah woah
This is amazing

ando here

A lot there. You obviously are concerned with form (hallelujah) so here's a tip that might flesh out (exorcize) the ghost.

Find a short (dark) piece of music that appeals to you and create lyrics to it as if you were going to perform it in front of a thousand people. Finish it. Read it out loud. Rewrite it til you feel it works. Then come back and show us. Have fun.