lyricsdude

hey guys. I had a moment of inspiration the other day, and I came up with some stuff. song lyrics, maybe?... anyways, here it is. I hope you at least enjoy it. -Lyricsdude

(1)What else can I say,
Love has destroyed me;
and made some more room
for someone just as lonely
as me..
It ripped out a part
of my desolate heart,
leaving space to be filled by you.
And while I still can, I will say
that gentle sway
has taken control of me..

(chorus) Now I'm obsessed with you,
Possessed by you,
hypnotized
in your sea-colored eyes.
you have control over me,
and I'll never break free
from you grip on my heart..

(2) I must admit,
I'm helpless against this
torture of being wrapped round your finger.
but it seems that I
can't help but wonder why
I'm loving it so..

(chorus)

She loves me,
I know this;
but every broken bone is
a reminder of why
I am so utterly helpless;
but as I lay here in my agony,
crushed and burning, she
looks me in the eyes
and all the hurt runs away..

(chorus)

[Any suggestions for words for an ending would be nice. Or any other stuff you can think of to suggest.]

spitzaer

i wonder how this would sound. but as i have observed in here, full of heart aches

lyricsdude

It's written for a sort of alt-rock sort of sound, but I guess it could go any number of ways in regards to how it's played.

ArtistConnection

I like it man! I think it would sound great with an alternative rock sound to it! Develop it and let us know!

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David Graey

Try playing with other types of rhyme, all your current pairings are perfect rhyme (me/lonely, say/sway, etc). Try some other forms of rhyming, and I think it'll help the song become more mature

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Sljslj

Judging by what you said at the beginning, this is your first lyric. Not bad at for someone just starting out. Keep working at it, and you'll get better; like anything else in life, lyricism and poetry take practice.

Mind checking out some of my stuff?... if not, it's fine.

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lyricsdude

A.Conn.-Thanks, I am hoping to do just that =)
D. Graey-Good advice, it shall be remembered. And you are correct, this was my first attempt lol
Slj.-Thanks for the support, it is much appreciated =)

lyricsdude

Another bit of a song, and probably just the chorus. I'm still working on the rest of it, but here's what I got so far:

"If I die tonight,
I will not lie,
I'd love to look down on the world from the sky;
And if I wake up tomorrow,
And see past my sorrows,
I'll wave all my heartaches goodbye."

Keep in mind, this is only my second real attempt at something that would sound good lol
If you want to use this and make up your own lyrics to go with, feel free.

lyricsdude

More stuff..

1-"It's twelve fourteen
and I'm thinkin of her;
the girl of my dreams,
and the girl that I've hurt;
We had a good thing goin',
now I blew it all apart;
And she's drivin and cryin,
new scars on her heart..

(C) All good things must come to an end,
but baby, baby, why'd we end up like this?
I didn't mean to push you away,
but now you're gone,
and I'm alone;
It doesn't matter what I say..
You're goin away.

2- What I wouldn't give
to have you back;
But you're gone, and I got myself to blame for that;
Maybe Fate hates the thought
Of us together;
And here I was,
Thinkin we could last forever.."

Unknown 92891

Awesome first verse, and i really liked the speed and aggression that i felt in the chorus. that being said i feel as tho you got super excited and planned out that first verse and chorus so well, that after you got distracted and rushed to get done with the song.

ie your first verse was as such:

What else can I say,
Love has destroyed me; (this is great, a strong opening hook)
and made some more room
for someone just as lonely
as me.. <---(i like the way it seems to pause for a moment here)
It ripped out a part
of my desolate heart,
leaving space to be filled by you.
And while I still can, I will say
that gentle sway
has taken control of me.. (leads well into the chorus, your over all rhyming here was really good)

Chorus
Now I'm obsessed with you, (i like the sudden rhyme, then pause that you create after the word hypnotized)
Possessed by you,
hypnotized
in your sea-colored eyes. (creative wording)
you have control over me,
and I'll never break free
from you grip on my heart.. (this might just be because i have a different style than you, but i think maybe something like:


" you have control over me
and ill never break free,
never tear apart,
your grip from my heart." (might sound a bit better, just a suggestion, im just saying that i would try rhyming the last line of the chorus better.


This is where i feel more time could be invested to make the song more complete sounding, rather than having the sound of a rushed project.

im just going to give a suggestion of somethings i might try...

so instead of:

I must admit,
I'm helpless against this
torture of being wrapped round your finger.
but it seems that I
can't help but wonder why
I'm loving it so..

i would..

I must admit,
I'm helpless against this
torture,
of being wrapped round your finger
now you'll forever linger
but it seems that I
can't help but wonder why
I'm loving it so...

not a big change i know, but i feel as tho the one line helps to complete it


She loves me,
I know this;
but every broken bone is
a reminder of why
I am so utterly helpless;
but as I lay here in my agony,
crushed and burning, she
looks me in the eyes
and all the hurt runs away.

i would...

She loves me,
I know this;
but every broken bone is
a reminder of why
I am, so utterly helpless;
but as I lay here, in my agony,
crushed and burning,
she looks me in the eyes,
and all the hurt turns in spite
of the pain i am bearing
but you've got me...

totally obsessed with you
possessed by you,
hypnotized
in your love drunk eyes
you have control over me
and i'll never break free
cannot break us apart

cause...

now im obsessed with you
possessed by you
hypnotized
ect...however you want the chorus to end =]

anyway, those are just my suggestions, maybe get you thinking a little about what more you could do if you so desired.

Good luck =]