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#1 (permalink) |
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,181
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I write a bit of poetry, and I freaking loved Paloma's so thought maybe you might find my stuff okay?
Mind Where You Step Like explorers we extend, Following marked flags for maintaining life. Everywhere turned a 360o artists dream, Earth’s existence is its price. A crystalline dreamland, A feeling of euphoria inside. Stars never shine here in summer, But a pure light travels far and wide. There is no turning back, No feeling of regret. All eyes flying forth, Internally out of breath. Danger lurks and will deliver, As many have discovered before. Entering a realm of insecurity, Half empty hearts craving for more. A White Renaissance Confined for such a time, Not knowing to what ends. Sliding onto a surface so bravely, Eradicating fears for the mind to mend. Steadily walking out to white, A blanket of eerie feelings unwinds. A vast and overwhelming moment, God’s creation is so undefined. Within is a feeling of absolute romance, As if the world has ended and heaven has begun. So tiny, yet so strong willed, A new place to conquer old emotion Solipsism The gap has expanded, It’s taken full control. Like a suffocating animal, My every breath is incomplete. Lights blinking of blinding white, Pulsating into my heart beat, by beat. One moment I exist, the next, I do not. In true accord I lose myself. When my eyes open I see nothing, As nothing can be defined. Its grey and obsoleteness, Continue to pursue my mind. In this ash sodden world I wonder, If this is all it has to offer? That every reality we made up, Is merely a figment, to hide from what’s inside? Was I real?
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"Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots
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#2 (permalink) | ||||
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
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This first poem sounds like it is about the exuberance of living, not knowing what will happen, and half-choosing our course. I like the line "half-empty hearts craving for more." Sometimes living feels like that. I also like "internally out of breath" because to me that suggests excitement. I don't understand why "earth's existence is its price," though! Why is earth's existence the price of having the experience of existence (the artist's 360 degree dream...by which I assume you mean God's creation)? Are you thinking of the eventual destruction of earth as described in the Bible? I noticed that in addition to rhymes such as inside/wide and before/more, you like using words that rhyme internally (assonance): life/price, regret/breath. So, you are relaxed enough in your writing not to force the use of rhymes that might sacrifice the meaning you want to achieve. Since I love rhyming and the feel of words, I like seeing how you handle them in your poems. Quote:
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![]() The lines that especially interest me are the last two, because they make me wonder what you think might be inside the self, if everything we perceive really were a figment of an imagination. A question about word choice: why do you write that "in true accord I lose myself?" The poem has a feeling of fear and unrest to me, and yet "accord" means harmony and agreement, so your use of the word surprised me. I couldn't help but notice that all 3 of your poems are exploring the relationship of the self with itself and reality. They seem very introspective. EDIT: P.S. I like watching Lady Gaga in your avatar. She looks very feisty!!
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Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 05-13-2010 at 07:26 PM. |
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#3 (permalink) | |
Make it so
Join Date: Oct 2005
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I am in a time in my life where I am really self reflective. I have such big struggles with my emotions such as I let others opinions in when I shouldn't. I'm trying to build a bit more confidence in myself, I want to make a life for myself that I want and it's a slow process. But in saying that, this is why I love writing poetry so much. No matter how awful you feel, how hurt, how terrified, writing it down into words really brings it out into the open to deal with. I always feel better afterwards. Thank you very much for analysing my poems, it's really good to hear others perspectives as everyone looks at poetry in different ways.
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"Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots
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#4 (permalink) | |||
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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I love writing poetry for much the same reason, Vanilla. Thanks for sharing what's going on in your life that inspired your poems.
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#5 (permalink) |
Make it so
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,181
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I wrote this one tonight, after watching the Moulin Rouge.
The following poem is based on my response to Satine's "One Day I'll Fly Away": When every moment begins, Something always lingers inside me. Whether my existence is merely a dismal will to belong; or A struggle to beat the feathers off my skin. In life you can't always follow the flock, Sometimes in the darkness you lose your sensibility. Looking over the line, wondering whether to fly across, Knowing the danger but not knowing the cost. You let out a bellowing cry, A call for answers; for guidance from above. Silence often resumes as you knew it would, But the strain to make a decision stings. In the end it's only you who can answer, Looking out to a new a day. When the sun trickles onto the world, It's in your nest you lay.
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"Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots
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