Dancing_Princess18

Okay so yeah you can tell what happened to me today (yay a holiday!!) and I get my emotions out through songs, no idea if they are any good but just for fun. Tell me what you think of them feel free to edit anything if you want I want HARD cold opinions. Thanks!

Probably Should

I should be on a plane now
southbound for Tampa
but I'm still here broken-hearted
just like the day you left me

There ain't much I can really say now
once a lyin cheater always one
and I can probably guess what you're doin' now

Im layin here cryin'
while your probably laughin'
Im here all alone
while your probably out havin' fun with friends
Im so wasted thinkin' bout you
while your probably with someone new
I guess in the end it was only me who wanted forever

It's been three long damn days
I should probably eat somethin'
I've got a full inbox of texts from worried friends
I should probably call them back

Im layin here cryin'
while your probably laughin'
Im here all alone
while your probably out having fun with friends
Im so wasted thinkin' bout you
while your probably with someone new
I guess in the end it was only me who wanted forever

Someone said he killed me
Killed my spirt and my soul that is
but right now im to far gone, to wasted tonight
I should probably look into rehab tomorrow because

Im layin here cryin'
while your probably laughin'
Im here all alone
while your probably out havin' fun with friends
Im so wasted thinkin' bout you
while your probably with someone new
I guess in theend it was only me who wanted forever

I should be on that plane now
southbound for Tampa
but im still here broken-hearted
just like the day you left me

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~Express Yourself. Define Yourself. Music is for everyone.~

VEGANGELICA

Hi Dancing_Princess18,
I know from your introduction in the intro section that you like country music, and I can imagine these lyrics in a country song. "Probably Should" describes the depressing state people can get in after someone they loved leaves them: you find yourself a basket case, unable to feel happy again.

I see your song as being honest, but I also cringe at the way it shows a person wallowing in those feelings of sadness and depression, unable to find the motivation to get back to the healthier parts of life (interacting with friends, eating healthful foods, etc.).

The lines that make me feel the song is wallowing in the feeling of depression are where you talk about the need to eat something, call back friends, and maybe check into rehab. They almost make the song sound funny to me because these examples are so concrete, so precise. I recommend paraphrasing them somehow so that they aren't stated so directly.

Yet at the same time, your song is very honest, because I've been there where relationship problems messed up my eating patterns, made me divert my attention inward and not feel like interacting with friends, and even once led my parents to take me to a psychiatrist! I think because it is embarrassing to admit that I didn't keep an even keel, it makes it hard to read the honesty of this situation in your song...yet that same honesty is part of your song's appeal to me. It tells it like it is!

When I read your lyrics, I want to say this to the depressed person in the story: "I know it is hard, but the best thing that person did was to leave you!" When someone doesn't love you, the best thing he can do is to go and not waste more of your time. So, I wish the song would find some spark of realization that it is for the best that this person is gone.

For example, in Taylor Swift's "White Horse" song, which has a similar topic as yours, she concludes that it is too late for the man, whom she trusted and loved but who lied to and cheated on her, to come to try to rescue her. She has moved past him and realizes that he is not good for her...even though she still loves him. So, this song acknowledges the disappointment but shows her exit way back to feeling better again.

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Dancing_Princess18

Thank you so much for your advice and your opinion. I am a fan of Taylor and her songs have a big influance on me as well. The thing that differs from hers is that in my song the girl is wishing for the guy back, still upset about it in the moment and predicting what is going on.

I am glad you feel it is direct and honest. It was coming from my heart and soul at the time, all emotions. I have a hard time dealing with hard situations so I turn them into poems or songs to get that anger/sadness out. Now you think if I edited up into something a little more positive and not so direct that they could sell? I plan on saving money up for this songwriter's camp in Nashville and try selling it, but didn't really want to waste all that money to make a fool of myself.

Also, if I kept song like that but changed the last verse to something a little more positive so people don't get the wrong idea, you think that would be a good change?

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~Express Yourself. Define Yourself. Music is for everyone.~

VEGANGELICA

I think it would be very difficult to sell the song as it is, Dancing_Princess18, because I feel it reads more like a diary entry than a song, includes few rhyming lines, which country songs often have, and has very common subject matter (broken-hearted lover).

I'm not too familiar with country music lyrics and I know nothing about trying to sell them, but I feel your song would benefit from reworking the subject matter (so the song seems less plaintive) and the structure.

When you wrote the song, did you have a tune in mind? I have read the lyrics, trying to imagine a song tune based simply on the rhythm of the words, and had difficulty doing so.

Let's take this stanza, for example:
This has two very long lines (italicized). I could imagine changes to steamline the stanza and provide a stronger beat to it. Whether this works or not depends on the tune. I also see you using "probably" an awful lot so I recommend avoiding this repetition. For example, here is a version that gets rid of two of the probably's but keeps most of your meanings:

"I'm lyin' here cryin'
while you're probably laughin.'
I'm here all alone
while you're out havin' fun.
I'm so wasted thinkin' of you.
I bet you're out with someone new.
I guess in the end you were never the one."

I think some people would probably relate to the song's content as you have it (the singer wants the guy back, even though it sounds like he didn't treasure her and eventually left her). I don't think you have to make a song have a positive ending in order to get people to like it, but most of the country songs I hear right now seem like they are uplifting ones rather than downers. I also usually don't like the uplifting ones because they swing too far in the optimistic direction! One additional note: I usually think of "wasted" as meaning drunk, but do you mean tired out or wretched?

The challenge I see with your song is trying to make it sound unique since the so many break-up songs exist.

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Dancing_Princess18

the tune of the song is kind of slow going and it would be a song mostly for guitar and some piano. I would record how I wanted my song to sound if you'd like but I must warn you my vocal singing is pretty much lame but it isn't that out of tune. I wrote another song and sang it for my ex-boyfriend but I don't think my singing is that great, but I could always link it to you and let you think of the lyrics.

I really like how you re-worded the song. I am pretty good at making songs that go along together when I am in the shower then when I am writing it down on paper after, I forget and mess up the song. That is the problem I have. lol.

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~Express Yourself. Define Yourself. Music is for everyone.~

VEGANGELICA

Yes, please send me a link to your song that you sang for your ex-boyfriend. I'm curious to hear it, Dancing! You can send me the link via private message, if you wish. And if you wish and have time, please do record how you want your current song to sound.

I feel being able to stay in tune is 3/4 of the battle with singing, so that is the most important thing to have accomplished. Lots of singers have voices that sound "unique" so I actually wouldn't worry too much about the tone of your voice. Everyone's voice is different, and I feel that is part of the fun of hearing different people's music.

Shower singing! My favorite! Such nice acoustics. I prefer to compose songs while sitting on the loo, though, one reason being that it wastes less water!

Since you like the songs you make up in the shower, maybe you could take one of those scuba diver's water-proof writing pads in the shower with you and write down the lyrics as you're singing them!

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