VEGANGELICA

Hello Sljslj,

I especially like these lines in your "Sheep painted Black" song:

Sometimes I feel like...
Just another sheep...
Black painted over white.

The idea of painting a white sheep black was new to me...an interesting variation on "sheep" themes in songs. Since I've used a sheep metaphor in a song recently, I enjoyed seeing your twist on the idea of the "black sheep." It is kind of funny/ironic for a song about wishing to be unique to use a cliche metaphor (the black sheep) for individuality, especially since at the end of the song you refer to having a "fear of cliches."

I also like these lines:

"A poisonous snake...
But the venom is dry."

Both the sheep and snake metaphors are strong visual images using animals, obviously. Would it be better to center the song around one rather than two such images, I ask myself? The contrast between the metaphors did make me think: sheep are usually seen as passive (but a black sheep, perhaps not); a poisonous snake is usually seen as dangerous, capable of striking (but this one is relatively harmless).

I like that your song has a simple format and you get your idea across with relatively few words. The lines that I don't understand are the ones about separation, since I don't know what the of separation is from. Do you simply mean the feeling of trying to separate from the herd by trying to feel unique with special insights on the problems of humanity...even though many people may have these same insights that make them want to fight against the problems?

The stanza that begins "is this just my fate" uses the word "just" three times. I felt that was a lot!

The questions you pose in your song made me think more about the effect of questions in songs. They seem to push the listener away, now allowing her or him to simply be a voyeur on the happenings of the song. I'd rather just be a voyeur, I think. So, for example, if you wrote, "Maybe this is my fate," it would be posing the question without stating it as a question, and wouldn't demand an answer. The questions posed in your song make it seem very introspective (which your song already is...it is very inward-focused), but also more contrived to me, more rhetorical.

__________________

Sljslj

As always, I agree with everything (or just about) you said. What I write is often influenced by what I'm listening to at the moment and with this one I was attempting to create a Korn-like sound that just didn't turn out.

I hadn't realized that I used "just" three times in that one part until you mentioned it, now I can't read it without dieing a little inside (not really). I want to fix it, but it's hard for me to edit a song that's already written because more often than not, it makes it just completely fall apart. I will try, though.

I want to try to focus on one image, as you said, but I won't be surprised or necessarily disappointed if it doesn't turn out. It may be better for me to just forget this song and take the best parts to try to turn it into something new.

I always appreciate your opinions, Erica.

Thanks.

__________________