Sljslj

BORROW YOUR PAIN

I'd like to borrow your pain
Just for a little while

I'd like to borrow your pain
Cause it hurts me less this way
I just wanna see you smile

For just a little while
You can be happy
Forget this growing pile
Of lies and stress
Your life
And for a little while
You will be happy

I'd like to borrow your pain
Even if it makes me insane
I just wanna see you smile

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Sljslj

Wrote two today. The first I'm gonna put up, which is the second I wrote, is about me getting help (therapy) with my drug addiction and suicidal depression. The other is harder to explain, but maybe it's message is one that is better left to the reader to decipher, and it's a poem, not a lyric.

DECONSTRUCTION

Take it down

A lifetime spent building
Walls that, quite honestly, aren't stable
Don't even know how they stood so long
Doesn't matter really, 'cause I'm taking them down

Brick by brick
Even thought it may make me sick, so sick
I'm starting today
Deconstruction

A death sentence that I
Created for the crimes against myself
Don't know why I haven't gotten the chair
And I don't really care 'cause the prison's coming down

(Chorus)

A lifetime spent building
Walls without purpose after the first day
And pretending they'd hold the roof okay
But this structure without structure is caving in
Crushing all my posessions and friends
So it's time to tear it down before it tears me up

I'm taking you down

(Chorus)

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Sljslj

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SKY

Sun exits sky
But there's still light
It's beneath my hands
Dirt beneath my nails, clouds
Even minus Sun
Moon not yet allowed

Face drops left eye
Right left behind
So it may still cry
For the one that died
Until it's forever covered
Patch over it
Like a pirate

Why, spirit, why?
Why do you wish I hide?
I'm not a right eye
Not a moon in the sky
Sigh

Sun exits sky
And all left eyes die
Enter moon, enter right side
And all left eyes fry
Even minus Sun

Even minus Sun
Perhaps there's still light
Right beneath my hands
Right beneath my eyes
Left beneath my eyes

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Sljslj

I know I don't comment on other people's stuff often and I've been told before that I shouldn't ask anyway, but **** it... Anyone wanna share your thoughts on any of my recent stuff?

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ParadoxQ

I enjoyed keep your eyes on the sky, it was gentle and I love when people write songs about the sky, moon and sun. they're representing something big and universal which is good for everything and/or anything. i also like how you weave in the souls mirror (eyes) into the text. i don't know what you mean by the song, but it still gives me pictures, and that's good enough for me : )

Sljslj

Very cool. That's exactly the kind of review I wanted for that one. That's all I have to say about that.

Thanks.

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Sljslj

DESTRUCT / POSITIVE NEGATIVES

All these birds flying at me
Looking to peck out my brain
I can't, why can't I wave them away?
I just let them eat me a little longer

Until...

I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away

Pretty bluebirds coming for me
Their eyes, they're just like me, insane
I want them to fall so bad, but they stay
As destructive positive negatives
It's hard to see now, but they make me stronger

I destruct
Throwing birdbrains like pain away
I destruct
And the world goes away


OUTRO:
One day, one day so soon
One birds crashes
Into bullet-proof glass
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

From the ashes
Littered with beaks and losing streaks
Rises the pheonix


I really want constructive criticism on this one, on how I could better the flow to make it easier to read... or anything else really, but the flow of this is really what's bugging me and I don't know how I can fix it atm.

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ParadoxQ

Hey again dude. I got some alternatives for you, but I don't know if you'll like them. Anyway, here they are:

You wrote:
I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away for a while

I write:

I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away

Remove for a while to make the part sound more dynamic and maybe a bit more surreal and unknown. We don't really know how long they'll stay away now, and as you destruct, the birds will fly away. Maybe they're back when you're fine?

You wrote:
One day, one day so soon
One birds crashes
Into bullet-proof glass
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

I write:
One day, one day so soon
One bird crashes
Into glass so bullet-proof
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit


I didn't really make major differents, just some small to make they sound more dynamic (at least in my ears). You can yell at me if I ruined the verses, but this was my take on it. Btw, I got this one line your song that I ****ing love: As destructive positive negatives

Cheers for this time!

Sljslj

I like that. I'm definitely making that change.

Nah. Gonna keep that the way it is. Thanks for the advice, though.

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Sljslj

Go easy on me with this one. It was written completely on the spot, in like 3 minutes, and I haven't had a chance to go through and edit yet.

THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM

I'm only looking to stay true
To myself
I'm only looking to keep it real
For myself
There is no one else

A million paths converge
I feel it in my head
I feel a powerful surge
Freedom
Freedom
I feel it in my veins

I've been down, been dark blue
In a red shell
I'm only looking to stay alive
For today
For no, no one else

A million ghosts collide
I feel them in my brain
I feel a powerful tide
I fight
I fight
For all I feel in my veins

I lost my left shoe
Wandering
Somewhere in hell
Just looking for a single way out
Do you know what I found?
Nothing, there was nothing
But something
In my veins
Told me
I was not alone
When there's no one
Still I'm not alone

I feel it in my veins
Freedom
I fight
For life
I fight
To stay true
I'll always stay true

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