The Lyrical Saga Of SljSlj

Sljslj · 05-18-2011, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ParadoxQ

Hm. This is not really constructive critisism, but really more about how I as a person don't like the lyrics. I find them too outgoing and I don't enjoy the flow in that many of them. With that said I don't dislike every song you have, I like some of the metafors you got like "poisonous snake, but the venom is dry".

If I should give you a little tip, you should try to let go of all the cursing words. One a song is enough, more makes the song sound like one of those dirty nu-metal "wanna sound badass"-songs, if you get me.

Peace out dude

Honestly, I wasn't ever going to reply to this because I was wasn't sure you would be back around given your low post-count.

I appreciate your honesty. Im well aware that not everybody is going to like my stuff, so it's no big deal that you don't. Umm... I could be wrong, but maybe you don't enjoy the flow because of the way you're reading it... obviously you can't know exactly how I mean it to sound... or maybe you just genuinely don't like it, idk.

I try not to curse alot, but sometimes it can't be helped. I think some of my best stuff is written without cursing, so obviously it's something that I need to do less of, but it's a hard habit to break.

I appreciate it, buddy.

Sljslj · 05-18-2011, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ParadoxQ

I enjoyed keep your eyes on the sky, it was gentle and I love when people write songs about the sky, moon and sun. they're representing something big and universal which is good for everything and/or anything. i also like how you weave in the souls mirror (eyes) into the text. i don't know what you mean by the song, but it still gives me pictures, and that's good enough for me : )

Very cool. That's exactly the kind of review I wanted for that one. That's all I have to say about that.

Thanks.

ParadoxQ · 05-19-2011, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sljslj

Honestly, I wasn't ever going to reply to this because I was wasn't sure you would be back around given your low post-count.

I appreciate your honesty. Im well aware that not everybody is going to like my stuff, so it's no big deal that you don't. Umm... I could be wrong, but maybe you don't enjoy the flow because of the way you're reading it... obviously you can't know exactly how I mean it to sound... or maybe you just genuinely don't like it, idk.

I try not to curse alot, but sometimes it can't be helped. I think some of my best stuff is written without cursing, so obviously it's something that I need to do less of, but it's a hard habit to break.

I appreciate it, buddy.

no problem man. ye, it could be the way I read it and it will always be better with music and/or melody backing it up. I have a low postcount since I joined a couple of weeks / months ago. but ye, checking here everyday for new stuff

I would gladly download a link of music if you got some demos or EPs or something. cheers for now!

Sljslj · 05-27-2011, 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ParadoxQ

no problem man. ye, it could be the way I read it and it will always be better with music and/or melody backing it up. I have a low postcount since I joined a couple of weeks / months ago. but ye, checking here everyday for new stuff

I would gladly download a link of music if you got some demos or EPs or something. cheers for now!

That's the goal, to get some of my stuff recorded and online, but it won't be for a while... got too much going on in my life atm.

One day... one day...

Sljslj · 05-27-2011, 01:15 AM

DESTRUCT / POSITIVE NEGATIVES

All these birds flying at me
Looking to peck out my brain
I can't, why can't I wave them away?
I just let them eat me a little longer

Until...

I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away

Pretty bluebirds coming for me
Their eyes, they're just like me, insane
I want them to fall so bad, but they stay
As destructive positive negatives
It's hard to see now, but they make me stronger

I destruct
Throwing birdbrains like pain away
I destruct
And the world goes away

OUTRO:
One day, one day so soon
One birds crashes
Into bullet-proof glass
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

From the ashes
Littered with beaks and losing streaks
Rises the pheonix

I really want constructive criticism on this one, on how I could better the flow to make it easier to read... or anything else really, but the flow of this is really what's bugging me and I don't know how I can fix it atm.

ParadoxQ · 05-27-2011, 09:11 AM

Hey again dude. I got some alternatives for you, but I don't know if you'll like them. Anyway, here they are:

You wrote:
I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away for a while

I write:

I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away

Remove for a while to make the part sound more dynamic and maybe a bit more surreal and unknown. We don't really know how long they'll stay away now, and as you destruct, the birds will fly away. Maybe they're back when you're fine?

You wrote:
One day, one day so soon
One birds crashes
Into bullet-proof glass
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

I write:
One day, one day so soon
One bird crashes
Into glass so bullet-proof
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

I didn't really make major differents, just some small to make they sound more dynamic (at least in my ears). You can yell at me if I ruined the verses, but this was my take on it. Btw, I got this one line your song that I ****ing love: As destructive positive negatives

Cheers for this time!

Sljslj · 05-27-2011, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ParadoxQ

Hey again dude. I got some alternatives for you, but I don't know if you'll like them. Anyway, here they are:

You wrote:
I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away for a while

I write:

I destruct
Throwing feathers every way
I destruct
And the birds fly away

Remove for a while to make the part sound more dynamic and maybe a bit more surreal and unknown. We don't really know how long they'll stay away now, and as you destruct, the birds will fly away. Maybe they're back when you're fine?

I like that. I'm definitely making that change.

Quote:

You wrote:
One day, one day so soon
One birds crashes
Into bullet-proof glass
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

I write:
One day, one day so soon
One bird crashes
Into glass so bullet-proof
Drops into flaming trash
And soon, so soon after
The others follow suit

I didn't really make major differents, just some small to make they sound more dynamic (at least in my ears). You can yell at me if I ruined the verses, but this was my take on it. Btw, I got this one line your song that I ****ing love: As destructive positive negatives

Cheers for this time!

Nah. Gonna keep that the way it is. Thanks for the advice, though.

Sljslj · 05-27-2011, 05:13 PM

Go easy on me with this one. It was written completely on the spot, in like 3 minutes, and I haven't had a chance to go through and edit yet.

THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM

I'm only looking to stay true
To myself
I'm only looking to keep it real
For myself
There is no one else

A million paths converge
I feel it in my head
I feel a powerful surge
Freedom
Freedom
I feel it in my veins

I've been down, been dark blue
In a red shell
I'm only looking to stay alive
For today
For no, no one else

A million ghosts collide
I feel them in my brain
I feel a powerful tide
I fight
I fight
For all I feel in my veins

I lost my left shoe
Wandering
Somewhere in hell
Just looking for a single way out
Do you know what I found?
Nothing, there was nothing
But something
In my veins
Told me
I was not alone
When there's no one
Still I'm not alone

I feel it in my veins
Freedom
I fight
For life
I fight
To stay true
I'll always stay true

Sljslj · 05-30-2011, 11:21 PM

WORTH LIVING

Desire
To destroy yourself
A fire
You keep feeding
You're a liar
Don't tell me your okay

Forgive yourself
You're only human
Don't tell yourself
You're not worth living

Empire
Falls around you
Did it ever really stand?
Entire
Existance questioned
You're a liar
You've never been okay

We've gotta learn to
Forgive ourselves
How can we?
We're only demons
Just tell yourself
You are worth living

Require
Pain to feel alive
Backfire
Can you ever avoid?
Desire
To destroy yourself

You've got brains
You've got heart
Why must you walk this road?

I think I've learned to
Forgive myself
I'm just waiting on you
You're worth living
That's why you're still here
You're worth living
Listen, you need to hear
You're worth living

Sljslj · 05-31-2011, 04:06 PM

LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH

I just wanna start over
Because over and over
I lost myself

No four-leaf clover
When Summer's over
I lost my purpose

There's no light
At the end of a tunnel, so black
I can't fight
Forever, at some point I gotta turn back
Try to start over

How could I be so pathetic?
Missed the point in the rhetoric
Was too weak, too sympathic
Forgot my purpose before the mountain's peak

I just wanna start over
The storm only gets colder
From here
I lost my head

Like an obsessed lover
I keep coming over
Even when there's nothing to be found

Should I?...no
I just can't get over this

There's no light
At the end of a tunnel, so black
I can fight
All damn day, but maybe I should just turn back
Hope there's still time
To start over

How could I be so pathetic?
Missed the point in the rhetoric
Was too weak, too sympathic
Forgot my purpose at the mountain's peak

I lost
I'm lost
So lost
It's not over
I'll start over
It's not over

But wait...no
Let's just get this over with

I don't wanna go over
The plan not one more time
I just wanna go over
This hump in the weary road
I just want it to be over

There's no lights
On in a mind, so dark, so black
Can't rely on sight
Forever, gotta trust my feet not to turn back
Hope there's still space
To take another step

How could I be so pathetic?
Missed the point in the rhetoric
Was too weak, too sympathic
Forgot my purpose at the mountain's peak

Refuse to begin again, refuse to be pathetic
Say **** the point, **** the rhetoric
Poetic, frenetic, unapologetic
There's no room to be sympathetic
I'll reach the mountain's peak

I've reached the mountain's peak

05-27-2011, 01:15 AM	#215 (permalink)
Sljslj The Omniscient Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Reno, Nevada, USA Posts: 998	DESTRUCT / POSITIVE NEGATIVES All these birds flying at me Looking to peck out my brain I can't, why can't I wave them away? I just let them eat me a little longer Until... I destruct Throwing feathers every way I destruct And the birds fly away Pretty bluebirds coming for me Their eyes, they're just like me, insane I want them to fall so bad, but they stay As destructive positive negatives It's hard to see now, but they make me stronger I destruct Throwing birdbrains like pain away I destruct And the world goes away OUTRO: One day, one day so soon One birds crashes Into bullet-proof glass Drops into flaming trash And soon, so soon after The others follow suit From the ashes Littered with beaks and losing streaks Rises the pheonix I really want constructive criticism on this one, on how I could better the flow to make it easier to read... or anything else really, but the flow of this is really what's bugging me and I don't know how I can fix it atm. __________________ MY LYRICS Last edited by Sljslj; 05-27-2011 at 01:11 PM.

05-27-2011, 05:13 PM	#218 (permalink)
Sljslj The Omniscient Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Reno, Nevada, USA Posts: 998	Go easy on me with this one. It was written completely on the spot, in like 3 minutes, and I haven't had a chance to go through and edit yet. THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM I'm only looking to stay true To myself I'm only looking to keep it real For myself There is no one else A million paths converge I feel it in my head I feel a powerful surge Freedom Freedom I feel it in my veins I've been down, been dark blue In a red shell I'm only looking to stay alive For today For no, no one else A million ghosts collide I feel them in my brain I feel a powerful tide I fight I fight For all I feel in my veins I lost my left shoe Wandering Somewhere in hell Just looking for a single way out Do you know what I found? Nothing, there was nothing But something In my veins Told me I was not alone When there's no one Still I'm not alone I feel it in my veins Freedom I fight For life I fight To stay true I'll always stay true __________________ MY LYRICS Last edited by Sljslj; 12-05-2012 at 11:48 PM.

05-30-2011, 11:21 PM	#219 (permalink)
Sljslj The Omniscient Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Reno, Nevada, USA Posts: 998	WORTH LIVING Desire To destroy yourself A fire You keep feeding You're a liar Don't tell me your okay Forgive yourself You're only human Don't tell yourself You're not worth living Empire Falls around you Did it ever really stand? Entire Existance questioned You're a liar You've never been okay We've gotta learn to Forgive ourselves How can we? We're only demons Just tell yourself You are worth living Require Pain to feel alive Backfire Can you ever avoid? Desire To destroy yourself You've got brains You've got heart Why must you walk this road? I think I've learned to Forgive myself I'm just waiting on you You're worth living That's why you're still here You're worth living Listen, you need to hear You're worth living __________________ MY LYRICS

05-31-2011, 04:06 PM	#220 (permalink)
Sljslj The Omniscient Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Reno, Nevada, USA Posts: 998	LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH I just wanna start over Because over and over I lost myself No four-leaf clover When Summer's over I lost my purpose There's no light At the end of a tunnel, so black I can't fight Forever, at some point I gotta turn back Try to start over How could I be so pathetic? Missed the point in the rhetoric Was too weak, too sympathic Forgot my purpose before the mountain's peak I just wanna start over The storm only gets colder From here I lost my head Like an obsessed lover I keep coming over Even when there's nothing to be found Should I?...no I just can't get over this There's no light At the end of a tunnel, so black I can fight All damn day, but maybe I should just turn back Hope there's still time To start over How could I be so pathetic? Missed the point in the rhetoric Was too weak, too sympathic Forgot my purpose at the mountain's peak I lost I'm lost So lost It's not over I'll start over It's not over But wait...no Let's just get this over with I don't wanna go over The plan not one more time I just wanna go over This hump in the weary road I just want it to be over There's no lights On in a mind, so dark, so black Can't rely on sight Forever, gotta trust my feet not to turn back Hope there's still space To take another step How could I be so pathetic? Missed the point in the rhetoric Was too weak, too sympathic Forgot my purpose at the mountain's peak Refuse to begin again, refuse to be pathetic Say ** the point, the rhetoric Poetic, frenetic, unapologetic There's no room to be sympathetic I'll reach the mountain's peak I've reached the mountain's peak __________________ MY LYRICS** Last edited by Sljslj; 08-11-2016 at 04:50 PM.

05-27-2011, 09:11 AM	#216 (permalink)
ParadoxQ Groupie Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 46	Hey again dude. I got some alternatives for you, but I don't know if you'll like them. Anyway, here they are: You wrote: I destruct Throwing feathers every way I destruct And the birds fly away for a while I write: I destruct Throwing feathers every way I destruct And the birds fly away Remove for a while to make the part sound more dynamic and maybe a bit more surreal and unknown. We don't really know how long they'll stay away now, and as you destruct, the birds will fly away. Maybe they're back when you're fine? You wrote: One day, one day so soon One birds crashes Into bullet-proof glass Drops into flaming trash And soon, so soon after The others follow suit I write: One day, one day so soon One bird crashes Into glass so bullet-proof Drops into flaming trash And soon, so soon after The others follow suit I didn't really make major differents, just some small to make they sound more dynamic (at least in my ears). You can yell at me if I ruined the verses, but this was my take on it. Btw, I got this one line your song that I ***ing love: As destructive positive negatives* Cheers for this time!