First Song, seeking some thoughts.

RossFrazer · 02-27-2010, 04:32 PM

Hey everyone,
First of all, will hopefully be posting here every once in a while, to help out and to post some songs Im writing, who throws round emotion more than a moody teenager, eh?

Well here's really the only song I've really thought about writing properly (not the first song I've ever written, just one I'd think of using).

Cause you're a computer,
Running on a script,
You said you'd break away
And yes, you did...

A hole in your head like no one else,
Cause no body else had just dropped dead,
Hot lead, cures the heavy heart,
Washed it down, with cyanide shots...

You'll never be an individual,
If you don't try to break the chain...

A computer, running on a script,
Let's all go, cut, copy, paste the codes,
Stick to, the given format,
Keep to, the manditory...

You'll never be an individual,
If you can't live to tell the tale...

Cause you're a computer,
Running on a script,
You said you'd break away
And yes, you did...

Any thoughts/constructive criticism?

Thanks

/R.

RossFrazer · 02-28-2010, 07:59 AM

Cmon guys?
Anything, dont like bumping but you know,
Bit dissappointed ):

t3hplatyz0rz · 02-28-2010, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RossFrazer

Hey everyone,
First of all, will hopefully be posting here every once in a while, to help out and to post some songs Im writing, who throws round emotion more than a moody teenager, eh?

Moody teenagers FTW.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RossFrazer

Well here's really the only song I've really thought about writing properly (not the first song I've ever written, just one I'd think of using).

Cause you're a computer,
Running on a script,
You said you'd break away
And yes, you did...

A hole in your head like no one else,
Cause no body else had just dropped dead,
Hot lead, cures the heavy heart,
Washed it down, with cyanide shots...

:O
Suicide in the second paragraph?
Where more can you go after that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by RossFrazer

You'll never be an individual,
If you don't try to break the chain...

A computer, running on a script,
Let's all go, cut, copy, paste the codes,
Stick to, the given format,
Keep to, the mandatory...

Is it supposed to be that he is rebelling against the hive mind society in such a prescribed way that it is no longer rebellion?
Very artful, and yet emotionally interesting at well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RossFrazer

You'll never be an individual,
If you can't live to tell the tale...

Cause you're a computer,
Running on a script,
You said you'd break away
And yes, you did...

Any thoughts/constructive criticism?

Thanks

/R.

OOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooOOOOOooooooohhhhhh........... creepy.
There's a kid in my town who killed himself a while back. I just heard about it though. That reminds me. I wrote and played a song about the well-known "an hero" incident and played it at an open mic. I didn't realize that one of the patrons had recently killed themselves, although everybody had been alluding to it all night long. It was REALLY awkward, although I can't say I was particularly sad.
I'm not saying you should censor your works, but be very careful when you play them. I haven't gone back there since, and somehow I don't think I'm wanted.

RossFrazer · 03-05-2010, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t3hplatyz0rz

Is it supposed to be that he is rebelling against the hive mind society in such a prescribed way that it is no longer rebellion?
Very artful, and yet emotionally interesting at well.

Yeah, it's about a kid "rebelling", or at least thinking they are, through suicide, but the narrator is sort of saying "what have you done that no one else has done before you?"

And about your story, sorry to hear about the kid, but I don't think I'd be censoring anything, I will be very careful where I play the songs though, and when for that matter..

Thanks for the feedback

bandteacher1 · 03-05-2010, 09:16 AM

I'm not really sure. It feels like you're trying to tell a stroy you don't really know, to be honest. Like a story teller telling a story he's only heard a couple of times. Perhaps strained is the right word.

RossFrazer · 03-05-2010, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandteacher1

I'm not really sure. It feels like you're trying to tell a stroy you don't really know, to be honest. Like a story teller telling a story he's only heard a couple of times. Perhaps strained is the right word.

Yeah, I didn't really plan the song like I should have,
Just sort of dove in,
Any tips for like helping this?

bandteacher1 · 03-05-2010, 04:57 PM

Exprience helps alot. I know it's bad advice, but I'm not sure what else to tell you. I normally right my thoughts down first, than I just put it into order.

RossFrazer · 03-05-2010, 04:59 PM

I'll keep it in mind

Yeah, practice makes perfect I guess,
Or as perfect someone can be

RossFrazer · 03-06-2010, 03:34 PM

Bridal bombshells don't blitz my backdoor,
I put my hand to the mirror so I don't feel so alone,
All I have is myself, but myself don't want me back,
And my self-esteem just won't cut me any slack...

I want to see what you guys think this means...

OceanAndSilence · 03-06-2010, 11:04 PM

women don't like you/you're not looking for stupid whores

because of this you haven't connected with anyone and feel like you're all ronery.

this only adds to your feeling of despair and self deprecation.

02-27-2010, 04:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
RossFrazer Groupie Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Northern Ireland. Posts: 17	Expressions Hey everyone, First of all, will hopefully be posting here every once in a while, to help out and to post some songs Im writing, who throws round emotion more than a moody teenager, eh? Well here's really the only song I've really thought about writing properly (not the first song I've ever written, just one I'd think of using). Cause you're a computer, Running on a script, You said you'd break away And yes, you did... A hole in your head like no one else, Cause no body else had just dropped dead, Hot lead, cures the heavy heart, Washed it down, with cyanide shots... You'll never be an individual, If you don't try to break the chain... A computer, running on a script, Let's all go, cut, copy, paste the codes, Stick to, the given format, Keep to, the manditory... You'll never be an individual, If you can't live to tell the tale... Cause you're a computer, Running on a script, You said you'd break away And yes, you did... Any thoughts/constructive criticism? Thanks /R. Last edited by RossFrazer; 07-07-2010 at 03:38 PM. Reason: Changing title.

02-28-2010, 07:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
RossFrazer Groupie Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Northern Ireland. Posts: 17	Cmon guys? Anything, dont like bumping but you know, Bit dissappointed ): __________________ INFP.

03-05-2010, 04:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
RossFrazer Groupie Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Northern Ireland. Posts: 17	I'll keep it in mind Yeah, practice makes perfect I guess, Or as perfect someone can be __________________ INFP.

03-06-2010, 03:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
RossFrazer Groupie Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Northern Ireland. Posts: 17	The Heart Speaks What The Mind Thinks. Bridal bombshells don't blitz my backdoor, I put my hand to the mirror so I don't feel so alone, All I have is myself, but myself don't want me back, And my self-esteem just won't cut me any slack... I want to see what you guys think this means... __________________ INFP.

03-06-2010, 11:04 PM	#10 (permalink)
OceanAndSilence i write and play stuff Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 239	women don't like you/you're not looking for stupid whores because of this you haven't connected with anyone and feel like you're all ronery. this only adds to your feeling of despair and self deprecation. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/chrisneto - tune in to chill out