storymilo

So even though I don't actually write lyrics I figured I'd make a thread for the rare occasions when I feel "inspired." Yay?

Here's some random **** I came up with in History:

While we sit upon this train
Playing pianos filled with gold
You dream from out your eyeballs and
into the world

Flooding from you fingertips
lined with diamonds and with jewels
Your mother does not know about
the trees you climb up in your dreams

Open your pencil case for me
Sharpen your pens and erase the lines
you made with nails made of metal
scratching on the ground.

It's not exactly... refined. But criticism/insults are welcome.

Sansa Stark

this is good!

storymilo

Why, thanks you

Sansa Stark

Sorry I don't have much constructive criticism to give, you'd think I would. But your wording is good, and your flow is even, which is good

t3hplatyz0rz

First off, this is pretty good. It's got some meaning.
There is one technical problem with it, but it's nothing serious.
The line is somewhat weird because diamonds are jewels.
And, I didn't get the last two lines.
I just don't get what it means. What it's referring to.
But it's not the end of the world if some guy can't get the last two lines of your poem the first time they're read.

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storymilo

Thank you. What exactly makes my flow even... not having one random line with 20 syllables?

I'm not sure I know what the last two lines (or the whole thing really) mean either, but for some reason I just like the imagery it brings me. Hm.

I also noticed the redundancy of the "diamond" line but it didn't bother me that much to change it. Thanks for the input

Sansa Stark

It's soft, and it works together well and it doesn't have any awkward breaks in it.

Thank god you don't do any rhyming. When I was your age I was all about the rhyme

storymilo

I don't mind rhyming that much, but generally I find rhyming makes poems funnier which wasn't really what I was going for.

NumberNineDream

It's obvious how you started to just write your ramblings, and then they began to shape up the more you wrote, which shows in the 3rd part. It's a shame you stopped there though, I imagine the next one would've been perfect.

It kinda shows though, that you're not taking it all too seriously. You're maybe taking the whole surreal approach of letting your subconscious speak with your pen, which is very cool... but it still needs some kind of built up, and a main idea that pull everything neatly together.

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storymilo

Yeh, I can see where you're coming from. You're pretty much right about me not taking it too seriously, basically I was bored in class and started writing. But I find that I don't like what I write when I put too much thought into it. And that's probably a problem.