t3hplatyz0rz

Hey. I'm feeling REALLY brain-dead right now so I'll post something I thought of earlier today. It is important to remember that I am trying to capture the spirit of a character. This is not me speaking. It is, however, a part of an album called "The Tower" I am working on.

"The Star"

Yo I am Russa, the Red Star Rappa
And in this nation's history, I'm startin' a new chapta.
I'm not the cleanest guy, I sure love my vodka,
But I still haven't smoked a joint, I'm still "tabula rasta".
Drink lots, smoke pot, play video games,
I guess that's one way to deal with the growing pains,
But back to the subject at hand, which is me,
(Yeah, I copped your line, ATD!
And what you gonna do, you gonna sue me?
No, please don't sue, I don't know what I'll do,
But it's not like you're actually going to sue, so screw you!)
So, anyway, I was lookin' for Liberty, but I lost her,
The fed thinks if I found her, then I'd accost her.
They don't realize what they'd done when they'd tossed her
She might be frozen, but then I'll defrost her.
They'll say I was hurtin' her but I'm not the one who crossed her.
It's always the guy on top who's doin' that
Stalin, Bush, Obama, Hitler, and all those fat cats.
I'm pretty sure that some are crazier than others,
But they'd all be in Siberia if I had my druthers,
Come to think of it, that saying's really dumb.
"And you are lynching negros!" or so says my mum.
But really, rippin' off my own country makes me feel numb
And not the good kind when you're off on rum.
It's the kind of thing you get when you're freezing your ass off
And it's your fourth week fighting a war you all ready lost.
And half your squad deserted because they were soft
And if you could you'd take everything from the Czar's loft.
And you were so surprised when you actually won,
In a real stupid bet you had to eat your own gun.
That's why you can't make fun of what we've got
Everything that came after that was just rot.
Because of Robspierre does that mean Democracy is bad?
Can you only see the worst of us, are you really that sad?
But wazso sad? I'm not sad. I'm just mad it can't be had,
We were tryin' to make paradise, why'd it turn out so bad?
We were following a red star too high in the air
But once we got it in, we couldn't get it out of our collective hair.

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t3hplatyz0rz

Here's something else I wrote earlier.
It's a more focused, less rap-ish song. It's probably going to be on the same album (if I ever get around to recording). But it's very different. It's more rock.

Judgement

God cried out to the universe,
And the universe cried back,
"Who are you to judge me?
Yeah, who are you to judge me?"

The universe cried out to God,
And God cried back,
"Who are you to judge me,
Yeah, who are you to judge me?"

And are all our sciences
Just pointless ****?
Well, who am I to judge it?
Yeah, who am I to judge it?

And after we die,
Are our souls just gone?
Well, who am I to judge it?
Yeah, who am I to judge it?

And if you think you've been alone
You've never been alone like this before
And if you think you've been alone,
You've never been alone like this before.

God took the universe's hand
And God debated thoughtfully.
"How cruelly should I judge it?
Yeah, How cruelly shall I judge it?"

And the Universe saw the sky, from north to south,
Disappear into the nothing.
"How cruelly have I been judged,
Yeah, how cruelly have I been judged?"

And if you think you've been alone
You've never been alone like this before
And if you think you've been alone,
You've never been alone like this before.

And God remembered why he made the devil
And all the voices, bass tenor and treble,
Would never speak to God again.
Never praise, never comfort, God again.

God cried out to the nothingness
But nothingness cannot cry back.

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t3hplatyz0rz

Hello again!
Going with my "1 song a day" goal, I have written another song!

The Sun

I wanna wander through life
On a cloud, on a dream.
And when you're dealin' with the pain,
I'll be trippin' on a sun beam.

And when the hate comes for me,
On a cloud, on a dream,
I'll offer it some sun-beam tea,
'Cuz I'm trippin' on a sun beam.

I wanna wander through life,
Because soon enough with I,
I'll be dealin' with the pain
By seein' if I can fly.

I wanna know what it means
When you're lookin' up at me.
Though to you it probably seems
That you're lookin' down on me.

I wanna wander through life.
On a cloud, on a dream.
And when you're dealin' with the pain,
I'll be trippin' on a sun beam.

Listen at http://www.7161.com/css_track.cfm?tr...track_id=19082 and tell me what you think! Please!

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t3hplatyz0rz

So, right after I declared that I would follow the "one song a day" rule, I broke it. :P
I'm not saying I didn't write something yesterday, but it's instrumental.
So here's something I wrote a little while back.

Streingth

Some people say that George killed a dragon
But I think that he was just braggin'
The village was giving their girls to the thing
Because they were afraid of flaming scale and wing.
They said the dragon told them to but that's a lie.
They were just the kind of guys who wouldn't send a guy.
And George, my friend, noticed this,
And decide he would end it, with his fist.
So he went to the peasant village with a sword
But one can't beat a village, no matter how hardcore.
He'd figured with the dragon he'd get decency at least,
As everyone can tell which is the crueler beast.
So George said he'd like to fight the dragon.
For braggin' rights and cuz his pride was saggin'
The peasnt then got happy, real quick,
One would have a living wife, and thus a happy ****.
So the peasnats showed George to a special rock
Where the dragon liked to eat and sometimes stopped.
But at midnight the tide was so high
George lost his footing and floated out to die.
I don't know how long he floated, it could've been days,
And when he came too, he was in quite a daze.
He was in the place where the dragon stays
And then he realized that dragon hunting pays.
There were half the village's women, sitting in there
And half the dragon's treasure was just as fair.
Near half the time in the water, he was out.
So he wondered who helped him here to come about.
But into his head he got another idea
What if there was no dragon and it was made of fear?
So he traveled long and traveled hard,
And in that time he made his living playing card.
Eventually he got to the village and put on a big show,
Saying he'd killed the dragon but the villagers wouldn't go.
So to test his theory they sent out a man
To the dragon's rock to see what he can.
And in the morning, that guy was gone,
And in the end, they were all sacrifices to the dragon's song.

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t3hplatyz0rz

This is another one about innocence. A favorite subject of mine. I think it's weird to pretend to be older than I am, because I know I will look back at these days as fun. And yet, I cannot help but wish...

The High Priestess

Good father above us,
Why do you love us?
Good mother below us,
What more will you show us?

And every day
she would wonder away.
Get lost in the swamps
but she couldn't stop.

Good father above us,
Why do you love us?
Good mother below us,
What more will you show us?

And she could talk
To dead sea-horses in chalk.
The things they'd say
Still haunt her today.

High priestess of your race, why are we hurt?
Your factories even harm the very dirt.
And soon you won't be able to visit the hundred-acre wood
And every day after that would be spent wishing that you could.

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t3hplatyz0rz

It's been a while since I posted this, and I haven't gotten any reviews yet.
That makes me sad.
Anyway, I've got another one, off the same "album". This one is two parts, and two tracks, but they follow the same story. One is the reason for the party, the other is the day after.

The Emperess-(Medium rock beat)
Some people devote their lives
To the pursuit of material lies.
I've seen firsthand what that can do.
I once spent a hundred on a single shoe.
The empress was a one like me
Just focused on being queen bee.
She'd primed her body all nice and cute,
But she wouldn't date a man without social roots.
I made money and got new friends
If I tried to surface, I'dve got the bends
It's not as hard as one might think
The trick is not to notice when it stinks.

And Midas never got the girl
Because she'd turn to gold
But when he realized his errors,
He'd become too old.

Whatever the trend I followed it,
Whatever the poison, I swallowed it.
I was hoping to get a lass
But each day was another empty glass.
I wallowed in champaign
To keep from going insane.
But as surely as the devil's in you
The devil's in the bottle too.
I stopped working hard.
That's how I started card.
I didn't get the girl,
and I've resigned myself to travel the world.

And Midas never got the girl
Because she'd turn to gold
But when he realized his errors,
He'd become too old.

I'm too old to do this
It's still on my wish-list.
I wanna live off the land
Unemployment checks are grand.
I think I'm a failure
I should become a sailor.
Freedom's my cup of tea
But living in regret is never truly free.
Yesterday I met her, god bless
Looking like an empress.
I felt so sad right then
I almost wanted to try it again.

And Minas never got the girl
Because she'd turn to gold
But when he realized his errors,
He'd become too old.

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The Emperor (Reggae Beat)

Well wake up man, you're dizzy
And the rest of your body is busy.
You're mind's your only safe place
And you were bombed out of your face.

Man, you better think.
You didn't sleep a wink.
You're head's humming with might
You don't know what you did last night.

You are an emperor
No matter what you've done before.
You could live like another guy
Or die with your head held high.

Let's save up what you can
And play your final hand.
You lost quite a bit last night
Judging by the table on the right

Leave before you have to pay.
Man, you better run away.
Take the cash you lost
And break the heart you crossed.

Mother, did it need to be so high?

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VEGANGELICA

Hi t3hplatyz0rz,

I read all the songs in your thread and will focus on three of them, each of which had a part that was especially memorable.

First, though, I was surprised to learn you were trying to write a song a day, probably because after I write something I think about it for weeks, making changes, then setting it aside for a while before looking at it again.

Most of your songs tell stories...and since I have a preference for "story songs," I enjoyed that aspect of them. Sometimes, however, the meaning of the story being told wasn't clear to me, although I think I figured it out sometimes (we'll see!).

Like I wrote to you in my thread, I like reading about religious issues, so your "Judgement" song interested me the most.
I enjoyed the story in this song: the judgemental god destroys the universe, having judged it harshly, and then the god is alone again and horrified by what it has done, having just destroyed its creation.

Sometimes I felt confused by the song because I didn't always know who is speaking. First it is god, then it is the universe, who I assume is also saying, "who am I to judge it?" Then I couldn't tell if it was the singer speaking on behalf of living beings, or the universe, when you say, "And after we die, Are our souls just gone?" I assume the universe, including living beings. This confused me, because the universe just referred to itself as "I" rather than "we."

The lines I especially liked were these:
which I assume refer to the god being alone again after destroying the universe. They are haunting.

I like how the song gives the perspective of the god. Since I've never understood how a vengeful god would appeal to someone, I liked hearing your imagination of how existence would end and the god would respond if it destroyed all its "children," both devil and humanity as well as everythng and everyone else, leaving only nothingness.

t3hplatyz0rz, I feel it is completely normal to pretend one is someone else while writing a song...which is one reason it is fun to write them. I couldn't completely follow the meaning of this song. I didn't see how it related to innocence. Is the high priestess representing humanity that is damaging the earth, unaware of what it is doing?

The lines I liked best...the ones that stick in my memory...are the ones in bold above: the dead sea-horses in chalk. Does this mean humanity is looking at the fossils, haunted by the knowledge of the earth and its history that they reveal? Am I way off track? :-) I have always liked fossils, so the image of the dead sea-horses in chalk made an impression on me (that's a pun!). Seeing the fossilized shapes of beings once alive reminds me that I, too, will end up like those beings: dead. So, fossils always make me contemplative. Even more contemplative than usual.

My feeling is that your songs would benefit from having their meaning a little clearer...unless you prefer them to be able to be interpreted loosely.

Your chorus in "Emperess"--which I think should be "Empress," if you mean a female equivalent of "Emperor"--is the part I found most memorable because of the sadness built into the story of King Midas (I think it should be Midas instead of Minas Midas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) turning a person to gold. In the myth, it is his daughter. I'm not exactly sure how your chorus relates to the rest of the song, though I realize it is being used as a metaphor for what is going on in the person's life. It sounds like he did all sorts of self-defeating activities and ends up regretting much of his life. The song sounds sad...it is describing the life of materialism and wandering that I would hope to avoid. Your songs do make me think, and I like that.

Have you considered using "errors" instead of "mistakes?" in your chorus above? I feel this would make the third line flow better. The four lines use mostly iambic feet (da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, etc.), and using "errors" instead of "mistakes" makes the lines more closely follow this pattern, I feel, smoothing them out:

"And Midas never got the girl
Because she'd turn to gold
But when he realized his errors,
He'd become too old."

I hope this helps! Thanks for taking the time to think about my songs. I enjoyed looking at yours and trying to see the bigger picture you are creating with them.

~ Erica

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t3hplatyz0rz

Thank you!
I generally write a song a day, but I don't write a GOOD song a day!
That's why I haven't posted anything in a while.

I will change those songs accordingly! I love getting feedback. And you were entirely right in your interpretations of my songs. I realized that the Minas/Midas thing was just lack of having Bulfinch's mythology with me at the time.
Also, I agree with changing "mistakes" to "errors". I didn't realize how badly that messed up the beat until later.
As is with "emperess" and "empress". Spelling error. :P
As for "The High Priestess", that one was originally meant to be about innocence, but it kinda changed. :P

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VEGANGELICA

I'm glad that my suggestions were helpful and that you enjoyed my feedback. I like to give it, so this works well, doesn't it?

I'm also glad I interpreted your songs correctly. I've always loved poetry, t3hplatyz0rz, because it makes me think about the writer's intentions, trying to see what s/he sees, and not only understand the meaning but also the emotion.

Ha ha! Sometimes I write song lyrics and look at them the next day and think, what was I thinking!? Sometimes that happens three weeks later, too!

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BillyShears

The last three are by far my favorite. I like the different characters and the difference in the style of writing to represent each one. If you get it done, this will be a sweet album.

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What's this you say? Well, it's an exercise in futility, I do it twice a week to stay in shape.