VEGANGELICA

Hi t3hplatyz0rz,

I read all the songs in your thread and will focus on three of them, each of which had a part that was especially memorable.

First, though, I was surprised to learn you were trying to write a song a day, probably because after I write something I think about it for weeks, making changes, then setting it aside for a while before looking at it again.

Most of your songs tell stories...and since I have a preference for "story songs," I enjoyed that aspect of them. Sometimes, however, the meaning of the story being told wasn't clear to me, although I think I figured it out sometimes (we'll see!).

Like I wrote to you in my thread, I like reading about religious issues, so your "Judgement" song interested me the most.
I enjoyed the story in this song: the judgemental god destroys the universe, having judged it harshly, and then the god is alone again and horrified by what it has done, having just destroyed its creation.

Sometimes I felt confused by the song because I didn't always know who is speaking. First it is god, then it is the universe, who I assume is also saying, "who am I to judge it?" Then I couldn't tell if it was the singer speaking on behalf of living beings, or the universe, when you say, "And after we die, Are our souls just gone?" I assume the universe, including living beings. This confused me, because the universe just referred to itself as "I" rather than "we."

The lines I especially liked were these:
which I assume refer to the god being alone again after destroying the universe. They are haunting.

I like how the song gives the perspective of the god. Since I've never understood how a vengeful god would appeal to someone, I liked hearing your imagination of how existence would end and the god would respond if it destroyed all its "children," both devil and humanity as well as everythng and everyone else, leaving only nothingness.

t3hplatyz0rz, I feel it is completely normal to pretend one is someone else while writing a song...which is one reason it is fun to write them. I couldn't completely follow the meaning of this song. I didn't see how it related to innocence. Is the high priestess representing humanity that is damaging the earth, unaware of what it is doing?

The lines I liked best...the ones that stick in my memory...are the ones in bold above: the dead sea-horses in chalk. Does this mean humanity is looking at the fossils, haunted by the knowledge of the earth and its history that they reveal? Am I way off track? :-) I have always liked fossils, so the image of the dead sea-horses in chalk made an impression on me (that's a pun!). Seeing the fossilized shapes of beings once alive reminds me that I, too, will end up like those beings: dead. So, fossils always make me contemplative. Even more contemplative than usual.

My feeling is that your songs would benefit from having their meaning a little clearer...unless you prefer them to be able to be interpreted loosely.

Your chorus in "Emperess"--which I think should be "Empress," if you mean a female equivalent of "Emperor"--is the part I found most memorable because of the sadness built into the story of King Midas (I think it should be Midas instead of Minas Midas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) turning a person to gold. In the myth, it is his daughter. I'm not exactly sure how your chorus relates to the rest of the song, though I realize it is being used as a metaphor for what is going on in the person's life. It sounds like he did all sorts of self-defeating activities and ends up regretting much of his life. The song sounds sad...it is describing the life of materialism and wandering that I would hope to avoid. Your songs do make me think, and I like that.

Have you considered using "errors" instead of "mistakes?" in your chorus above? I feel this would make the third line flow better. The four lines use mostly iambic feet (da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, etc.), and using "errors" instead of "mistakes" makes the lines more closely follow this pattern, I feel, smoothing them out:

"And Midas never got the girl
Because she'd turn to gold
But when he realized his errors,
He'd become too old."

I hope this helps! Thanks for taking the time to think about my songs. I enjoyed looking at yours and trying to see the bigger picture you are creating with them.

~ Erica

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t3hplatyz0rz

Thank you!
I generally write a song a day, but I don't write a GOOD song a day!
That's why I haven't posted anything in a while.

I will change those songs accordingly! I love getting feedback. And you were entirely right in your interpretations of my songs. I realized that the Minas/Midas thing was just lack of having Bulfinch's mythology with me at the time.
Also, I agree with changing "mistakes" to "errors". I didn't realize how badly that messed up the beat until later.
As is with "emperess" and "empress". Spelling error. :P
As for "The High Priestess", that one was originally meant to be about innocence, but it kinda changed. :P

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VEGANGELICA

I'm glad that my suggestions were helpful and that you enjoyed my feedback. I like to give it, so this works well, doesn't it?

I'm also glad I interpreted your songs correctly. I've always loved poetry, t3hplatyz0rz, because it makes me think about the writer's intentions, trying to see what s/he sees, and not only understand the meaning but also the emotion.

Ha ha! Sometimes I write song lyrics and look at them the next day and think, what was I thinking!? Sometimes that happens three weeks later, too!

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t3hplatyz0rz

Something I wrote for a friend. This is NOT part of my album- I'm done with that.

If You Loved Me

If you loved me, you'd be truly mine.
If you loved me, you'd be more kind.
If you loved me, you'd never draw the line.
If you loved me, you'd give me all your time.
If you loved me, you'd buy these shoes.
If you loved me, you wouldn't even have to choose.
If you loved me, you wouldn't care what you'd loose.
If you loved me, you wouldn't buy so much booze.
If you loved me, you'd say you loved me.
If you loved me, you wouldn't leave me.
You never loved me.

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BillyShears

I don't know if it's a poem or a song, but I love this kind of repetitive lyrics, and I just read the song that makes a comment on religion (judgement, I think) and that's incredible! Also, when you say you're done with the album, do you mean writing or recording?

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What's this you say? Well, it's an exercise in futility, I do it twice a week to stay in shape.

t3hplatyz0rz

Writing. If I was done with recording, I would be a very happy man.

It's a song. But I might just scrap it. Too short.

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Stone Birds

if you're wanting to scrap i'll take it, i'm sure i could make something out of it (full credit of lyrics would go to you of course)

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BillyShears

Shortness doesn't matter. Bands have put in 50 second long songs on albums and they've turned out amazing.

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What's this you say? Well, it's an exercise in futility, I do it twice a week to stay in shape.

t3hplatyz0rz

Sure. Do whatever you want with it. I might re-visit it later, but I've got nothing planned with it.
I know... I think my decision was pretty-much random. I'm not really sure why I did that.

In terms of songwriting, I had a very good day today. I wrote two things, one of which I really like, one of which I think is OK.
The first one is based off of a movie my dad told me about, called "Zorn's Lemna".

All Systems Bro

I don't know what it means.
But you still understand me.
Even I don't know what it means,
But you still get me.

I don't bro what it means,
But you still understand me.
Even I don't bro what it means.
But you still get bro.

Oooooooooh, nobody care when they're dancing.
Oooooooooh, nobody cares about me.

I don't know what it bro.
But you still under-bro me.
Even I don't know what it bros.
But you still bro me.

I bro know what it bro
But you still bro-stand me.
Even I don't bro what it bro,
Bro you still bro me.

Dance to the rhythm, dance-dance to the rhythm,
The double bro-bro that makes you bro.
It's like listenin' to a rap and just hearin' the flow,
It's like lookin' on Prince and just seein' the sequins,
It might be fly **** but that's just fo-sho'.
Bro, brother, broski, what does it mean?
I asked Broseph, Bro Bronetti, and he just said "No".
He's a cool guy, but that was a low blow, bro.
Sometimes I feel like I'm selling my soul for nothing 'cuz I am.
I love every minute of it, but damn being damned.
Let's all rise up together and throw these shackles off,
I had to put in something to make it serious, *cough cough*.

Oooooooooh, nobody care when they're dancing.
Oooooooooh, nobody cares about me.

Bro don't bro what it bro.
Bro you under-bro bro.
Even bro don't bro what bro bro,
But you bro bro bro.

Bro bro bro what bro bro
Bro bro bro bro-stand bro.
Even bro bro bro what bro bro,
Bro bro bro bro bro.

And you understand,
This isn't what language is for.
Break the cage of language, fly out of the chains of language.
Our power is what restricts us.
Bro.

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t3hplatyz0rz

On a more serious note, this is based off the best book ever written. And this one was influenced by the general mood of Chard's songs, one of my personal favorite writers on this site.
Everything in parenthesis is whispered in the background.

22

(One) It's time to drop this charade, this lying parade,
(Two) Because I'm tired of lying and my passion is dying.
(Three) I wish I had passion, but I'm just following the fashion
(Four) I'm pretendin' what I want to be is me,
(Five) I've succumbed to the hero worship I hate
(Six) And stripped naked of my love, I am nothing but irate.
(Seven) Are some born cursed, some blessed, is it just fate?
(Eight) Or is this scramble to the top equal, or is the reward not the bait?
(Nine) I'm fearing the prize for being the best at the end
(Ten) Is the record company taking your soul and making you do it again.
(Eleven) There's nothing left for this modern Yossarian,
(Tweleve) So you can find me in my basement doin' some Hadouken parryin'
(Thirteen) Marryin' my lethargy, it's a full-time commitment,
(Fourteen) I've got a million things I can't get, that's good for one shipment,
(Fifteen) Of memories, lost desires, things to remind me of my efforts
(Sixteen) All failed, no matter how hard I tried, it's in the report,
(Seventeen) Filed in a government office, draped in a garment of fire,
(Eighteen) They must be talkin' 'bout me every night, the situation is so dire
(Nineteen) Nah, I'm just joking, nobody gives a ****.
(Twenty) Right about now I'm thinking I spend too much time takin' it.
(Twenty one) And more than half my music is just me fakin' it.
(Twenty two) Complainin' bout how there's no more mystery,
But I don't even know my family history.

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