dark corners poem...criticism please?

darkcornerinthecloset · 12-25-2009, 10:37 PM

okay guys. as a lot of you may have noticed, i havent been on much, and thats because i found another site to post stuff on, and so i got one of my poems (one i dont especially like) published in a magazine. anyway, though its good for publishing things, its not good for constructive criticism, so if anyone has something to say about this, id like to hear it. thanks.

Do You See What I Mean?

I have noticed
you know
That it has somehow become our routine
to spend our evenings cutting at air so thick
with a steak knife
Your aggrieved sighs as we struggle towards the brink of suffocation
echo up the stairs
Your ranting doesnt even get past the troll guarding my first ear
no need for him to ask you a question
just to ignore you and not let you pass
But by all means continue
I mean
its not like we have anything better to do
I mean
its not like I have a future
when im faced with a momentary minor misstep
Oh the horror
I mean
im only human
Sometimes
when I only have two legs
which is only sometimes
mind you
as sometimes I have three or four
But when I do only have two
sometimes im destined to have two left feet
But please
continue
its not like I have anything better to do

darkcornerinthecloset · 12-25-2009, 10:42 PM

oh sorry btw...i just read the new sticky. i dunno if i have a generic enough title or anything, so if its gotta be merged into something...well idk

VeggieLover · 01-02-2010, 01:23 PM

i'm suprised that this hasn't gotten any responses. shame MB, shame!
Ah well, i guess they are all prejudiced against poems that aren't really lyrics.

This poem, well, I got shivers while reading it. Mind you, it is freezing in my house, so that might have had something to do with it, but it might not have. This is a free-verse poem yes? but you have a form of sorts, the rythm of thought, if not of speech, and a consistancy of emotion not often seen on these pages.
Fantastic imagery, you merge abstract metaphorical imagery with reality almost perfectly, a particular weak spot of mine I must admit. Oh, goody! I'm bouncing up and down with excitement, i want to read more! If this is typical of your writing, then it's a damn good thing you got published my friend.
It took me a few times to get what was going on in the beginning of the poem, but it became clearer the more I re-read it. Love the sarcasm (the sarcasm that is incomplete i feel, the speaker has let himself start to believe the things he is saying), love the repetition of "I mean" and the "mind you" fits well. Honestly, I can't offer up any critisisms for this one. Maybe a few tweaks of diction in the first part to clarify, but it is appropriatly vague. very nice job. More please????

FaSho · 01-02-2010, 01:49 PM

Why did you come back?

OceanAndSilence · 01-03-2010, 03:27 AM

reminds me of something i'd come up with whilst stoned. i like it.

VeggieLover · 01-03-2010, 09:06 PM

if you come up with such things while stoned, I will personally supply you with a lifetime supply of weed.

ok, i wouldn't really, but that is my little way of saying that i doubt it.

OceanAndSilence · 01-04-2010, 03:35 AM

i don't "write" when i'm stoned, i just make it all up along the way, and since my memory goes to **** my mind (and lyrics) jump from place to place. i don't remember what i say afterwards though, haha. i'm going to record it next time.

Schizotypic · 01-04-2010, 10:03 AM

It's a lot better then your older stuff. I have no idea what you mean by three or four legs, or what you meant by two left feet, which is not a criticism, I'm just curious. To me the poem gives a sort of feel of a rusting relationship, so if that's the mood you wanted to get across then it worked on me.

I would work on maybe the way the poem is written, as some punctuation or stanza separation seems like it would fit, and might add emotion. For right now that's all the constructive criticism I could give. It's not a stunningly amazing piece for me, but again light years ahead of your depressed teenage cliche shit machines.

VeggieLover · 01-04-2010, 05:38 PM

the 3 or 4 legs comment could be interpretted as maybe he's being pulled in a lot of different directions, or he feels like he (the speaker) has a lot of extra baggage. 4 legs could be indicative of a dog or other animal. the changing aspect could be kind of jeckel and hyde thing. Maybe none of those are what he meant, but just some thoughts.

two left feet is generally used to mean clumsy, especially while dancing. So by saying he's destined to have two left feet, he probably means that he is destined to kind of bumble along regardless.

My previous posts were a little gushy... don't get me wrong, i do really like the poem. and compared to most of the cliche stuff we get on here, it was refreshing to see a poem with a little thought, some abstract description, and an uncommon form. I like the single stanza, though punctuation couldn't hurt.

I'm dissappointed that you haven't replied to any of our posts....

12-25-2009, 10:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	dark corners poem...criticism please? okay guys. as a lot of you may have noticed, i havent been on much, and thats because i found another site to post stuff on, and so i got one of my poems (one i dont especially like) published in a magazine. anyway, though its good for publishing things, its not good for constructive criticism, so if anyone has something to say about this, id like to hear it. thanks. Do You See What I Mean? I have noticed you know That it has somehow become our routine to spend our evenings cutting at air so thick with a steak knife Your aggrieved sighs as we struggle towards the brink of suffocation echo up the stairs Your ranting doesnt even get past the troll guarding my first ear no need for him to ask you a question just to ignore you and not let you pass But by all means continue I mean its not like we have anything better to do I mean its not like I have a future when im faced with a momentary minor misstep Oh the horror I mean im only human Sometimes when I only have two legs which is only sometimes mind you as sometimes I have three or four But when I do only have two sometimes im destined to have two left feet But please continue its not like I have anything better to do __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

12-25-2009, 10:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	oh sorry btw...i just read the new sticky. i dunno if i have a generic enough title or anything, so if its gotta be merged into something...well idk __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

01-02-2010, 01:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	i'm suprised that this hasn't gotten any responses. shame MB, shame! Ah well, i guess they are all prejudiced against poems that aren't really lyrics. This poem, well, I got shivers while reading it. Mind you, it is freezing in my house, so that might have had something to do with it, but it might not have. This is a free-verse poem yes? but you have a form of sorts, the rythm of thought, if not of speech, and a consistancy of emotion not often seen on these pages. Fantastic imagery, you merge abstract metaphorical imagery with reality almost perfectly, a particular weak spot of mine I must admit. Oh, goody! I'm bouncing up and down with excitement, i want to read more! If this is typical of your writing, then it's a damn good thing you got published my friend. It took me a few times to get what was going on in the beginning of the poem, but it became clearer the more I re-read it. Love the sarcasm (the sarcasm that is incomplete i feel, the speaker has let himself start to believe the things he is saying), love the repetition of "I mean" and the "mind you" fits well. Honestly, I can't offer up any critisisms for this one. Maybe a few tweaks of diction in the first part to clarify, but it is appropriatly vague. very nice job. More please???? __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

01-03-2010, 03:27 AM	#5 (permalink)
OceanAndSilence i write and play stuff Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 239	reminds me of something i'd come up with whilst stoned. i like it. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/chrisneto - tune in to chill out

01-03-2010, 09:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	if you come up with such things while stoned, I will personally supply you with a lifetime supply of weed. ok, i wouldn't really, but that is my little way of saying that i doubt it. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

01-04-2010, 03:35 AM	#7 (permalink)
OceanAndSilence i write and play stuff Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 239	i don't "write" when i'm stoned, i just make it all up along the way, and since my memory goes to **** my mind (and lyrics) jump from place to place. i don't remember what i say afterwards though, haha. i'm going to record it next time. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/chrisneto - tune in to chill out

01-04-2010, 10:03 AM	#8 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	It's a lot better then your older stuff. I have no idea what you mean by three or four legs, or what you meant by two left feet, which is not a criticism, I'm just curious. To me the poem gives a sort of feel of a rusting relationship, so if that's the mood you wanted to get across then it worked on me. I would work on maybe the way the poem is written, as some punctuation or stanza separation seems like it would fit, and might add emotion. For right now that's all the constructive criticism I could give. It's not a stunningly amazing piece for me, but again light years ahead of your depressed teenage cliche shit machines.

01-04-2010, 05:38 PM	#9 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	the 3 or 4 legs comment could be interpretted as maybe he's being pulled in a lot of different directions, or he feels like he (the speaker) has a lot of extra baggage. 4 legs could be indicative of a dog or other animal. the changing aspect could be kind of jeckel and hyde thing. Maybe none of those are what he meant, but just some thoughts. two left feet is generally used to mean clumsy, especially while dancing. So by saying he's destined to have two left feet, he probably means that he is destined to kind of bumble along regardless. My previous posts were a little gushy... don't get me wrong, i do really like the poem. and compared to most of the cliche stuff we get on here, it was refreshing to see a poem with a little thought, some abstract description, and an uncommon form. I like the single stanza, though punctuation couldn't hurt. I'm dissappointed that you haven't replied to any of our posts.... __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."