brentc106

I was at a party, just passing through
I almost droped my glass, that’s when I noticed you,
you were stood over in the corner with a gleem in your eye
I wanted to walk over but I guess I was shy

By chance, i dont think so, girl you looked so amazing
I was too slow though, you had my fire blazing
I can’t get you off my mind, gotta do it right next time
you got me so crazy, oh baby, please tell me..

Can you please tell me
Tell me why you’re so incredible
What someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreck me
Please Tell me why, why you’re so incredible

After weeks of you on my mind, I finally see you,
this time no mistakes, I approach so I am near you,
my legs wobble again, this can’t happen again,
you start to walk away and I can’t help but say,

By chance, I don’t think so, girl you looked so amazing
I was too slow though, you had my fire blazing
I can’t get you off my mind, gotta do it right next time
you got me so crazy, so baby please tell me..

Can you please tell me
Tell me why you’re so incredible
What someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreck me
Please Tell me why, why you’re so incredible

Times going by so slowly, Can’t believe you still dont know me,
Realised I had to make a change, Saw you alone now I must engage,
You just stood there just smiling right at me, You said you’d always noticed me,
You said that you were just shy, Then went and asked me if I,
Wanted to go out on a date with you, Maybe even have lunch with you too
This time I need no explaining, I see just why you’re so amazing

I don’t need you to tell me
Tell me why you’re so incredible
What someone like you
Was put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But what you did was make me
Baby you are so incredible

VeggieLover

mmmm.... i smell a dud. There isn't really anything powerful in any of these stanzas... I mean parts of it could be ok for a jam song (kinda like Suzie Q, man i love singing that song...) but lyrically its just lack-luster.

Personally I would suggest that you try a different subject matter. You could edit this one (if i recall correctly, you blew me away with your last edit..) but there's not a whole lot to work with here.
It's great that you are practicing writing, now instead of trying to make a song out of a few circumstances that may or may not have happened, focus on the little things, the details are often what make a song or poem powerful. Heck, you could write about a dirty bathroom and as long as it's well written, it could be a hit. My suggestion is that you drop the young romance crap and venture into untested territory.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

brentc106

My life is like real stupid, skating,computer,xbox,and music thats it, nothing exiting so i dont know what to write about

VeggieLover

The thing about writing is it frees you to find the beauty in everything, even the so called "stupid" things. Granted, there may not be a huge audience for songs about video games, but it's good practice none the less.

You could write about how it feels to be on a skateboard, how it feels to finally get the trick you've been working on for weeks on end, the injurys you get, the stupid rock on the sidewalk that sends you flying off your board, anything!

The thing about life (as I'm slowly learning) is that really living isn't in doing big exciting things or going out and having some big revelation all the time, it's about noticing the small things, the intense beauty that most people over look and making a relativly small impact on the people around you. I've come to call it "simple elegance" but it's more than that I think.... and writing is just an extention of life.

A writing excersice i've done that you might enjoy is just sitting in your backyard, or on the curb, or anywhere and writing down just lists of words that come to mind as you observe the things around you. Try and capture a specific emotion with the adjectives and adverbs, verbs and nouns that you use. Go from commonplace to abstract, and back again. Then use the words in your list to write a poem (or a story, whichever), again focusing on that same emotion. See what you come up with.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."