primo's Songwriting Thread

[primo]

I've never really written a full song; I think I hold back a lot of the time, as while I write I think my lyrics sounds corny.
But here's the first verse and chorus that i've written... Honest constructive criticism is greaty valued!

I'm so empty, while full of entropy
Just drownin in a pool of self-pity
It's my new state of consciousness
Leaking of what my life's missing
Well, have I lost everybody?
Nobody reaches out
Looks like it's time
to close the doors again

Chorus
I never really stopped waiting
for things to begin changing
I've always known, i'm the one
so what keeps me waiting?
I've gotta do something
before this train's derailing

[Arya Stark]

1. What style is this?

2. The first line sounds better if you take out "while"

3. The fourth like sounds better without the "of"

[primo]

Okay - thanks! But as a whole what do you honestly think of it?
Style as in genre? I'm not really sure lol it sounds a bit different each time I look at the lyrics - probably pop/rock/alternative..

[Arya Stark]

I TOTALLY took it as a rap.
I feel like I would like it otherwise, but not as much.
I like the idea of a rap.
And maybe you should make it longer? ^_^

[primo]

wow.. lol hip-hop didn't even cross my mind! How does it strike you as rap? With exception of the chorus, most of it doesn't even really rhyme.

Anyway I wrote a second verse and bridge. Feel free to comment!

2nd Verse
Wanted to be somebody else my whole life,
Where has it got me? I'm lost as hell
Can't sense a path, just a destination
Don't think too much - might miss out on a free ride
Gotta shut out my peripherals,
Gotta shift my focus to climb out
'Cos this overflow of energy
is devoid.. of aim 'n execution

Chorus
I never really stopped.. waiting
for things to begin changing
I've always known that i'm the one
so what keeps me waiting?
I've gotta do something
before this train's derailing
Cos there’s nobody out there
Who’s gonna save me

End (Some songs have these.. what are they called? It's not really a bridge.. or is it?)
Now I could drink myself to sleep
Or I could wake up n be happy
I could float away on my back
Or I could steer, and fly high
But I could, I should, I would, I
Ye I would, I could, I should, I
Now I should, I would, I could, I
Yeh I could, yeh I could, yeh I should, I should

(guitar/synthesizer solo haha)

It won't change until I do

[primo]

I've only written one verse and a chorus.. It's written as a mid-tempo R&B song. If you critique my lyrics, I will do so for your's - just leave a link and brutally honest constructive criticism!


Verse 1
I see her, then with him
bite my lip, as I think
Will I always be alone?
So I slip that mask on
Which tells the lie, i’d
Rather be on my own

Don’t know which part’a the equation I am,
But know that I will grow, stronger
When I know who I am

Wanna fell how you’d touch me,
when I touch you, intimiacy
just can’t see who i’m looking for

Chorus
I...
Wanna be able to love
But there’s no drive
Pulling you or pushing me, closer
If you... throw yourself
Then darling,
I won’t catch you before you fall

[primo]

30 views and not one reply?? lol surely the lyrics aren't that awful..

[dark shadow]

while not inherently bad, (and i will be the last person to judge quality) it does seem to be missing something. nothing seems to separate this song from the myriad of other unrequited love songs out there floating around. maybe try some more unique source material and see if your lyricism can grow from there.

[VEGANGELICA]

Originally Posted by primo

I've only written one verse and a chorus.. It's written as a mid-tempo R&B song. If you critique my lyrics, I will do so for your's - just leave a link and brutally honest constructive criticism!


Verse 1
I see her, then with him
bite my lip, as I think
Will I always be alone?
So I slip that mask on
Which tells the lie, i’d
Rather be on my own

Don’t know which part’a the equation I am,
But know that I will grow, stronger
When I know who I am

Wanna fell how you’d touch me,
when I touch you, intimiacy
just can’t see who i’m looking for

Chorus
I...
Wanna be able to love
But there’s no drive
Pulling you or pushing me, closer
If you... throw yourself
Then darling,
I won’t catch you before you fall

Hi Primo,

The portion of the song you have written creates an interesting situation that I'd like to see resolved in the rest of the song. The singer appears to feel ambivalence about the person s/he is infatuated with. Will the singer remain ambivalent or not? The last three lines, "If you...throw yourself/Then darling, I won't catch you before you fall," make me wonder if the rest of the song will show the singer getting to know him/herself better enough to be able to love and feel the drive that might bring this couple together. Or, will the writer stand by aloof, even if the girl/woman were to fall for him? This, at least, is how I interpret the song.

I like the line, "bite my lip," because it suggests some inner turmoil reflected in a physical motion.

You introduce the idea of the relationship "equation" in the second verse, then leave that idea hanging. I'd like to see it resurface in the rest of the song somehow. When you mention the equation, I want to learn more about how the two individuals *do* relate. I don't feel the song is about unrequited love but more yearning and wrestling with feelings of restraint and desire. Saying that you won't catch someone who is falling is intriguingly harsh, and doesn't seem to mesh with the infatuation expressed in the first stanza, so I wonder what is going on between the two people.

Don’t know which part’a the equation I am,
But know that I will grow, stronger
When I know who I am

Wanna fell (tell?) how you’d touch me,
when I touch you, intimiacy
just can’t see who i’m looking for

When you write, "but know that I will grow stronger," is this addressed to the woman or is the writer addressing herself/himself?

Finally, the line "just can't see who I'm looking for" confuses me somewhat, because I felt the writer was interested in the woman described in the song. You have introduced lots of unanswered questions in the first section of your song! I'll be interested to see how you deal with them in the rest of the song.

--Erica

[Arya Stark]

"Just can't see who I'm looking for" confuses me as well.
I thought the writer, or whoever is narrating this poem, was already looking for someone.
And, quoted from the first line, "saw her, the with him"

So technically... he/she DID see who they were looking for...
Unless you'd explain this all differently?