Iron's writing corner

iron9567 · 12-06-2009, 05:15 PM

I figured i would return the favor since you commented on my work. I would comment on yours.

VEGANGELICA · 12-13-2009, 01:17 PM

Hi iron man,

I read your song lyrics and noticed that all so far (except the last

) seem to deal with a failed relationship in which someone is using the singer/speaker of the songs. I decided to comment on this one in particular and will put my comments in bold within your song.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iron9567

title: Picking up the pieces

Your games/
They pushed me to [too] far away/
I can no longer see me loving you/
And all the wants that [I feel you could streamline the lyrics by getting rid of "that"] you lied about/
And all the needs you demanded from me/
you never cared about me a single second/

tonight im going to start breathing on my own/
[This made me think of Katy Perry's "I'm Still Breathing" song]
im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/
maybe it was best that we never [got] this to work/
all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/
[this stanza has a lot of cliches, such as "breathing on my own," "weight is lifeted," "see the light." Too many cliches can weigh down a song, I feel]
On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/
I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/
[I don't understand this final line...giving the wasted day "by" the grip of your hands. Do you mean you "in" the grip of your hands?]

When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/
i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/
i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/
[Again, iron man, the image of a heart breaking is cliche and so that may detract from the uniqueness of the song. Of course, many songs use the same metaphors and are still songs that are very meaningful and moving]

a shooting star later that night gave me some hope/
[the shooting star idea of foretelling the future...if the future is preordained in some way, then why would the singer be upset and singing about a failed relationship, since the failure was all part of some "plan" in the first place?]
i knew i wasnt going to be alone for long/
I can’t explain the feeling that swept over me./
youre finding out things arent like you thought they were/
im wanting to tell you how things always come back around/

tonight im going to start breathing on my own/
im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/
maybe it was best that we never this to work/
all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/
On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/
I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/

[Chorus]
When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/
i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/
i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/.
you want to show me the reasons behind your actions/
It’s too late to try an tell me youre sorry for what youve done/
my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/,
my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/,
[I would prefer "I moved on" rather than using the "heart" metaphor again in the last two lines]

Now I’m with someone else that makes me happy/
[this line above sounds to me a little like a diary being read. I think I'd prefer the second line, below, to start the stanza, and then add onto that line the information that the singer has fallen in love with someone else who makes him/her happy]
my life has been so much better since i fell in love/
its my fault that i never seen [saw?] what was in front of me all along/
It’s better than what you tried to show me through your eyes/
All the times i tried to prove the feelings i had for you/
[Perhaps "after all the the times..." would link this line to the next one]
Now im showing the feelings as i pass you on by/
[So you mean that after all the times the singer tried to prove the feelings of love, now the singer is showing the feelings of disdain]
[Chorus x2]

The lyrics are about a topic many people relate to: feelings of anger over a relationship that doesn't work out. I feel the song would benefit from having more unique ways of describing the feelings. As it is currently, the lyrics don't have a hook that makes me remember them very vividly because the images seem fairly commonplace to me (broken heart, seeing the light, etc.). I do feel the song length is probably a good one for most people (I almost always write too much!

). I like how you use several lines of the chorus early on then later provide the whole chorus, which I think will add a feeling of building momentum in the song.

--Erica

iron9567 · 12-14-2009, 03:38 PM

thanks alot for your feedback this is not the only site ive posted this on. I knew some of the lines may come off as a bit to cliche. So i posted them to see what everyone thought about some of the lines. most of the ideas you suggested were good valid points. and i appreciate each and everyone. I think one of my problems is im to close to the song to see all the things wrong with them. Ill take your suggestions into consideration when i go to edit it in a few weeks.
thanks
the iron man

lol by the way what did you think about the one titled smeared lipstick lol

VEGANGELICA · 12-20-2009, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iron9567

thanks alot for your feedback this is not the only site ive posted this on. I knew some of the lines may come off as a bit to cliche. So i posted them to see what everyone thought about some of the lines. most of the ideas you suggested were good valid points. and i appreciate each and everyone. I think one of my problems is im to close to the song to see all the things wrong with them. Ill take your suggestions into consideration when i go to edit it in a few weeks.
thanks
the iron man

lol by the way what did you think about the one titled smeared lipstick lol

Hi iron man,
I'm glad you feel my suggestions may be helpful. I wouldn't say there is something *wrong* with the song, but that different people may react in different ways to them, and in my case I'm sensitive to cliche phrasing. However, there are many songs that use the heart metaphor that I like. For example, I've always liked "Total eclipse of the heart."

Oh, "Smeared lipstick" was very blatant! I felt it described oral sex performed by a prostitute very accurately. The song made me wonder if it was based on real or imagined experiences! If it was based on real experiences, then that raises a lot of red flags for me, since I oppose people paying others to perform a sexual activity, which I feel people should be free to offer only because they want to (and not for payment). I worry that women, who tend to have lower incomes than men, are being pressured or forced into prostitution because of social inequality, poverty, and exploitation. So a song glamorizing prostitution troubles me, even though the "artiste" in me stands firmly behind free speech and expression.

Now that I've commented on the content of "Smeared Lipstick," I'll have to go back and read the lyrics to evaluate their structure!

--Erica

iron9567 · 12-20-2009, 02:39 PM

lol don't worry lipstick was from a fictional story. I would have to do alot of explaining to do to the wife it was a real story. To be honest I have never written a song like this. So as often as I do. I experimented and tried something new.
Thanks
the iron man

Arya Stark · 12-23-2009, 01:00 AM

Goodness, Iron.
I'm almost happy I didn't read that lipstick one at first.
Vulgar is one thing, but this is vulgar, corny, poorly written, and I don't even know.

I love you to death, but I have to let you know I just... I can't even express how I feel about this song. >.< I like the first one better, now.

darkcornerinthecloset · 12-25-2009, 10:26 PM

personally the first two are nothing new. theyre a lot like that crap that i was posting a few months ago, before i pretty much gave that up. the third one i think is a little better. however, i have to agree with awwsugar on this; its gross. no one really wants to hear about that...however it at least was somewhat original and...expressive. i dont know what the right word for that would be...

12-06-2009, 05:15 PM	#11 (permalink)
iron9567 musicbanter peeping tom Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 74	I figured i would return the favor since you commented on my work. I would comment on yours. __________________ thanks The iron man I don't want to change the world. I just want to make the world colder then the day I came.

12-14-2009, 03:38 PM	#13 (permalink)
iron9567 musicbanter peeping tom Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 74	thanks alot for your feedback this is not the only site ive posted this on. I knew some of the lines may come off as a bit to cliche. So i posted them to see what everyone thought about some of the lines. most of the ideas you suggested were good valid points. and i appreciate each and everyone. I think one of my problems is im to close to the song to see all the things wrong with them. Ill take your suggestions into consideration when i go to edit it in a few weeks. thanks the iron man lol by the way what did you think about the one titled smeared lipstick lol __________________ thanks The iron man I don't want to change the world. I just want to make the world colder then the day I came.

12-20-2009, 02:39 PM	#15 (permalink)
iron9567 musicbanter peeping tom Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 74	lol don't worry lipstick was from a fictional story. I would have to do alot of explaining to do to the wife it was a real story. To be honest I have never written a song like this. So as often as I do. I experimented and tried something new. Thanks the iron man __________________ thanks The iron man I don't want to change the world. I just want to make the world colder then the day I came.

12-25-2009, 10:26 PM	#17 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	personally the first two are nothing new. theyre a lot like that crap that i was posting a few months ago, before i pretty much gave that up. the third one i think is a little better. however, i have to agree with awwsugar on this; its gross. no one really wants to hear about that...however it at least was somewhat original and...expressive. i dont know what the right word for that would be... __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.