The Bullet

These are among the deepest lyrics I have ever written
pre-chorus:
You sing songs of broken hearts in anger
I listen to songs of proken hearts in evy
Chorus
It's better to have a broken heart then no heart at all
well, it's been so long since someone's stood beside me, and I think I've forgotten how love feels
Well I have more than a broken heart, I have a broken soul
end chorus
Cultists outside the soup kitchen
(they've never seen the light)
they try to convince the homeless that broken soul's can be replaced
and that fresh ones can be bought
(but we, the wise know that's forgery)
if I make it out of here alive
after seeing the dark side, that the wise call the light
then well praise to me and you 'cause I'm only alive for you
but you broke my sould
so will someone remind me
WHAT THE **** I AM DOING

pre chorus
chorus

we know the only way
to repair the soul, it will take until I am old and dieing
one day, I will tell the secret killing me
to so many more then I told so far
but all the while I need more secrets, to make my life not feel so empty
and maybe then I'll look the one I love in the eye
say anything and everything I'll ever need to say
and by then I'll know truth from lies
and I'll feel pride from those around me who've been with me before this, and who will be with me after

guitar solo
pre chorus
chorus
I am preaching to the wise
and I hope to god and back they hear me, god knows the know the holes in this song
and they will understand that
vocal-only chorus
I say it's better to have a broken heart then no heart at all
and you know I can't have a heart without a full soul (broken heart)
broken sould and vanishing heart
I could not dream of any worse

second guitar solo

second vocal-only chorus
and the wise know
yes, the wise know
the wise know
and I hope to god the wise hear me
yeah

I wrote that a long time ago... Looking back, it could use alot of revision, I almost edited it before posting, but, I give you the original lyrics.

VeggieLover

Next time, please, revise BEFORE posting...it makes it easier on the rest of us who are trying to read and also will put you in a better light as a writer. Also, watch those typos, they can be confusing.

Good concept, and you have some VERY powerful lines. I don't like the chorus...it seems cliche even though its a powerful thought. Repitition of words or phrases can be powerful...but since "broken" and "heart" are used so often, especially in amateur poetry, the effect is lost.

First line of the first verse made me sit back and say "woah, did NOT expect that" Good job, not much can make me do that. Now, take that flavor and run with it. When you use words like "they" and "it", "them" etc. you waste words, time, energy, and risk losing the listeners attention. Poets NEVER waste words, and i mean never.

There are a few more things i could nitpick, but go ahead and revise and then we'll talk. Also, the story isn't exactly clear...you seem to jump between stories. This isn't always a bad thing, especially in music, the music itself can tell the story and the words don't always have to stand alone. Just make sure YOU know what its about, and simplify a bit.

Welcome to MB... great job.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

The Bullet

thanks alot VeggieLover.