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Old 10-28-2009, 12:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Song I've Been Working On
Hey everyone this is a song I've been working on under my project name, "Dreamin' of Foxglove." Its called "What I Have Become" and its about some depression and other issues I had a couple years ago. Please comment I really enjoy constructive criticism and just comments thanks.

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
Another slave to the countless dependency I’m on
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me now
If you are real, then save my soul from what I have become!

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In a Hell of what I have become!

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle again

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Loose all of this fake, mirrored images

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me now
If you are real, then save my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead “God” save from me myself
Strike me down
Cuz I cannot be saved
Because I don’t wanna be a burden anymore
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by APCTOOL91 View Post
Hey everyone this is a song I've been working on under my project name, "Dreamin' of Foxglove." Its called "What I Have Become" and its about some depression and other issues I had a couple years ago. Please comment I really enjoy constructive criticism and just comments thanks.
Hello APCTOOL91,
Thanks for sharing a song that describes the feelings you had while dealing with depression several years ago. I have some comments about, and suggestions for, your song and will put them in bold below:

Quote:
We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
Another slave to the countless dependency I’m on

(I might get rid of the "But," since I think the singer's awareness of feeling doomed to become a slave again is part of the reason for feeling down. Is someone "on" dependencies, or does someone *have* dependencies? I don't know the flow of your tune, but just looking at the words my thought is that you could simplify this line by saying: "Another slave to countless dependencies," or "Another slave to my countless dependencies," or "A slave again to my countless dependencies." Saying "another slave" makes it sound like the singer is one of several slaves.)

Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me now

(Saying "now" at the end of sequential lines feels too repetitive to me. I feel this line works well without the "now":
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me

If you are real, then save my soul from what I have become!

(Again, since you just said "save me" in the previous line, I would probably want to use a new word in this one, such as "If you are real, then free my soul from what I have become.")

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In a Hell of what I have become!

(Perhaps you could say "in the hell I have become"...grammatically, "In a Hell of what I have become" sounds odd to me)

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle again

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Loose all of this fake, mirrored images

(I think you mean "lose all these fake, mirrored images." I notice in the last two stanzas that you use "lose" three times and "again" two times, before which "again" was used x4. My recommendation is to skim down the repetition of individual words by finding synonyms or other ways to express the ideas. For example, "once more" could be used instead of "again."

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me [now]
If you are real, then save [free?] my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead “God” save from me myself
Strike me down
Cuz I cannot be saved
Because I don’t wanna be a burden anymore.

(I'm thinking about this last line: does it mean that the singer wants to be struck down because s/he feels s/he is a burden and has no hope for salvation, *or* does the singer feel that because s/he doesn't want to be a burden anymore that s/he can't be saved? Perhaps you could just omit the last "Because" since the line still works without it, and it seems odd to use "Cuz" in one line and "Because" in the next, since if one is using a shortened version of "because" it seems one should be consistent:

"So go ahead, God, save from me myself.
Strike me down,
Cuz I cannot be saved.
I don't wanna be a burden anymore."

Say, what is the reason for "God" being in quotes? Is it fear of saying the word "God," or does it mean the singer is being ironic, saying "God" because the singer doesn't feel there is a god? Also, did you mean to say, "So go ahead "God" save from me myself," or "save me from myself?" Saying "save from me myself" is interesting, because it seems to show the singer wants the "true" self to be saved or recovered from the rest of the self that is unwanted (the feeling of "sins" and dependency). I wasn't sure if this was the intended meaning or a typo.

"Cuz I cannot be saved": since you just said "save from me myself," perhaps you could say (to avoid using the word "save" so often), "Cuz I'm beyond salvation":

So go ahead, God, save from me myself.
Strike me down,
Cuz I'm beyond salvation.
I don't wanna be a burden anymore.
I hope my suggestions are helpful to you!

--Erica
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 10-28-2009 at 10:15 AM.
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Old 10-29-2009, 12:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Cool, well thanks for the help, I'll tweak it a little to make some more sense and re-post. Once again thanks
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Old 10-29-2009, 11:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Okay so I did some tweaking to my song thanks to the advice you gave me, hopefully it flows a little better.

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
A slave again to my countless dependencies
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In this Hell I have become

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle once more

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Lose all of these fake, mirrored images

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead God save me from myself
Strike me down,
Because I cannot be set free
I don’t wanna be a burden anymore
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Old 10-29-2009, 11:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by APCTOOL91 View Post
Okay so I did some tweaking to my song thanks to the advice you gave me, hopefully it flows a little better.

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
A slave again to my countless dependencies
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In this Hell I have become

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle once more

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Lose all of these fake, mirrored images

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead God save me from myself
Strike me down,
Because I cannot be set free
I don’t wanna be a burden anymore
APCTOOL91,
I *do* feel your rewrite flows better and has fewer unnecessary words or little complexities that distracted me slightly when reading your original version. I feel your meaning is clearer now...more piercing, more of a direct plea...and when I read your rewrite more of the sadness and the yearning come through. I especially like the last line now that it does not have the "because" to start it off. Everytime I read "I don't wanna be a burden anymore" I feel sad because that single line expresses the self-regret and recriminations and hopelessness of the singer (who still has enough hope to ask for help). How do you feel about your new version?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 10-29-2009 at 11:58 PM.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I really do like it now it feels so much more personal, but I have to thank you for all the help. I'll be posting some more lyrics soon, once again I'm very thankful.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I really do like it now it feels so much more personal, but I have to thank you for all the help. I'll be posting some more lyrics soon, once again I'm very thankful.
You are welcome. I'm glad I was able to help. I have a dear friend who struggles with depression and is very religious...I feel your song lyrics would be especially meaningful to him, because I think (as best I can tell from his descriptions of how he feels) that your lyrics would feel like they are singing his own experiences.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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