Senf's Collection

Senf · 10-27-2009, 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serenechaos2319

I really like it . . . It has a nice flow.

Thank you very much. Hopefully the new draft below maintains that touch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANELICA

The meter of your song has a limerick feeling to me and so feels very upbeat, which probably is a good match for the topic (going out and getting it on with a friend).

Maybe it wasn't quite clear in the first draft but the two people are actually staying in for the night, not going out. Hopefully the minor changes you'll see a bit later in this post will help clarify that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANELICA

"Try a little we should not" uses inverted word order and so sounds unnatural, to me. The fact that the woman is "crawling" seems odd, since I thought they were going out in public. "I'll own you" isn't, perhaps, a very desirable thing and so I wonder if the woman would want that? Also, the typical word order of "verb noun" has been reversed when you write "your body I'll own when near," so it sounds somewhat forced to me.

I noticed the inverted word order in "Try a little we should not" after submitting this post and re-reading it a few times; that has since been changed and I believe now works a bit better.

Because the two people are actually in a bedroom, the crawling line should make more sense now (I can see where your confusion was coming from beforehand, though).

For the line "Your body I'll own when near," I quite like the unorthodox order of the phrase and will be sticking with it for now. I'll take your advice to heart though and may eventually end up reworking it a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANELICA

"Try a tad lower then up top" sounds like the writer is asking the woman to be sexual with various parts of his body in public...making me wonder exactly what kind of establishment they are in! Then, I wonder if the desire to be everyone's envy means that this one-night (?) relationship is more about image and control and showing off rather than friendship and safety...and yet the final two lines (above) suggest a feeling of safety is there between the two people. The song seems to have two separate forces at work: the desire to experience carnal lust, and the desire to feel safe doing so.

The public aspect is no longer there (the confusion of the subject, at least), so the public sexual acts shouldn't be much of a problem anymore.

The envy idea relates to most people really hoping for that one partner that can really set them off (sexually). The two people in this story have that special something and, therefore, others are most likely jealous.

The safely line has been reworked to keep the intended meaning at bay. Thanks for pointing that out, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANELICA

Have you considered changing "roll no teardrop" because it uses an odd word order (to create the rhyme)? Using "tears" to represent sadness in a song seems a little cliche to me. Would you perhaps consider saying something about how if the woman wants then they can "stop" (which would rhyme with "top")...which would probably increase the feeling of safety in exploration and make the song of desire feel a little more tender?

I definitely changed the "teardrop" line because I didn't like the flow and lack of originality; I believe the new line allows for more imagination and keeps the idea of the everlasting night at bay

Thanks so much for your input. It really means a lot to me and whatever future I may have with music in general.

Here's the reworked version:

Tonight We Let Free

Now everyone has their someone,
not always are they easy to find.
You and me in for some fun,
never want to hit rewind.

There's nothing wrong with a lone smile,
but smiles are always better in pairs.
Slow your gears, stay for a while,
go through with some of my dares.

We could get tired, but who knows,
maybe find out we have something hot.
Work it smooth, baby here goes,
part of our sexy plot.

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Crawl a bit closer, show me how,
we have no time to waste while in here.
Oh feel the warmth, come on now,
your body I'll own when near.

Try a tad lower, then up top,
oh now we're all people's great envy.
In this room, we have no clock,
in each other's arms safely.

Should we maybe call it a night,
could we ask for much better than this?
Why can't we go 'til daylight,
have we ever felt such bliss?

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

VEGANGELICA · 10-27-2009, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senf

Maybe it wasn't quite clear in the first draft but the two people are actually staying in for the night, not going out. Hopefully the minor changes you'll see a bit later in this post will help clarify that.

I noticed the inverted word order in "Try a little we should not" after submitting this post and re-reading it a few times; that has since been changed and I believe now works a bit better.

Because the two people are actually in a bedroom, the crawling line should make more sense now (I can see where your confusion was coming from beforehand, though).

For the line "Your body I'll own when near," I quite like the unorthodox order of the phrase and will be sticking with it for now. I'll take your advice to heart though and may eventually end up reworking it a bit.

The public aspect is no longer there (the confusion of the subject, at least), so the public sexual acts shouldn't be much of a problem anymore.

The envy idea relates to most people really hoping for that one partner that can really set them off (sexually). The two people in this story have that special something and, therefore, others are most likely jealous.

The safely line has been reworked to keep the intended meaning at bay. Thanks for pointing that out, though.

I definitely changed the "teardrop" line because I didn't like the flow and lack of originality; I believe the new line allows for more imagination and keeps the idea of the everlasting night at bay

Thanks so much for your input. It really means a lot to me and whatever future I may have with music in general.

Here's the reworked version:

Tonight We Let Free

Now everyone has their someone,
not always are they easy to find.
You and me in for some fun,
never want to hit rewind.

There's nothing wrong with a lone smile,
but smiles are always better in pairs.
Slow your gears, stay for a while,
go through with some of my dares.

We could get tired, but who knows,
maybe find out we have something hot.
Work it smooth, baby here goes,
part of our sexy plot.

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Crawl a bit closer, show me how,
we have no time to waste while in here.
Oh feel the warmth, come on now,
your body I'll own when near.

Try a tad lower, then up top,
oh now we're all people's great envy.
In this room, we have no clock,
in each other's arms firmly.

Should we maybe call it a night,
could we ask for much better than this?
Why can't we go 'til daylight,
have we ever felt such bliss?

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Hi Senf,
Your revised version makes more sense to me and I enjoyed reading your explanation above it, because I like seeing how someone else's mind works while crafting lyrics. I do feel you successfully clarified in the revision that the scenes are taking place in a private setting.

I actually miss the "in each other's arms safely" line because the "safely" part is meaningful (to me) and stuck in my mind, perhaps because usually songs about sexuality seem unconcerned about the safety of both participants, so it was nice to read a song that *does* mention people feeling safe. Since I see the song is about erotic love/passion combined with affection and the potential of future platonic love, as well, I feel that having the "safely" in there works to create a more realistic mood. Safety (physically plus emotionally) combined with erotic attraction in a relationship *is* an enviable combination.

Also, I appreciated the way you reacted to my feedback: you stood by the parts of the song that you like...

Quote:

For the line "Your body I'll own when near," I quite like the unorthodox order of the phrase and will be sticking with it for now.

... which is important to do. Since you are the creator of the song, it is most important that the song satisfies you and says what *you* want, and I'm glad you see you take my suggestions just as suggestions without feeling pressure to use them if they don't feel right for your vision of your song.

I'll plan to give feedback on your second song (in the post before this one) at a later time!

--Erica

Senf · 10-27-2009, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

I actually miss the "in each other's arms safely" line because the "safely" part is meaningful (to me) and stuck in my mind, perhaps because usually songs about sexuality seem unconcerned about the safety of both participants, so it was nice to read a song that *does* mention people feeling safe.

I changed the word back to "safely" after reading your post; the fact that one word had such a profound impact on your meaning of the song made me realize that others would probably feel the same way in this sort of situation.

VEGANGELICA · 10-28-2009, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senf

I changed the word back to "safely" after reading your post; the fact that one word had such a profound impact on your meaning of the song made me realize that others would probably feel the same way in this sort of situation.

I'm afraid, Senf, that my affinity for "safely" may be unique to me, but until there are more responses on this word choice, I guess that 100% of your MB readers vote for "safely" to remain! (Plus, you originally liked it, too...that vote counts a lot).