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09-28-2009, 04:31 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Groupie
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
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OK´s Songwriting Adventures!
Hey folks!
I´m new to the forums so let me introduce myself first. Im 16 years old from Germany and just started an indie/rock band with a good friend. So here are a few songs I´ve written so far. Hope you enjoy them and leave some feedback. ==== "Happiness" Woke up from a dream tonight. I could not sleep. Dreamed of countrys in fear, a fear you can not keep. Saw people dieing, ´cause they did not believe their lies. Saw people crying, that couldn´t even harm a fly. But I will be fine, as long as I don´t speak my mind. I will be fine, ´cause I will keep my thoughts inside. Today it was exciting, I tried to lie. Hope they won´t catch me, because of thoughtcrime. The tortured children, the cameras and the policeman. I hope someday, all this will come to an end. And I will be fine, as long as I don´t speak my mind. I will be fine, ´cause I will keep my thoughts inside. Now there´s the kitchen window, that I look through. I see my dream is beginning, to become true. === "Raindrop" Breathe in. Stand up. The oxygen dives deep into my lungs. But the air is filled with a poison. The toxin is now freely circulating in my body. It hurts as it cools all parts of me. My bones and soul. Somehow I finally feel alive, a little to late now. Look down and around. The graffiti combines art and waste. This voice has never been seen by travellers who pass underneath it at 50 miles per hour. I´m no longer in hurry though. Through raindrops I see you standing, under the bridge. Unable to speak one little word, mouth wide shut. You spot me. Shout. Cry. I don´t understand anything you say. I´m slightly loosing control about myself. Is that what you want? This can´t be what you call love. The bridge is old, majestic, but weathered. Such irony. Time is slow, our love is low. Time. You told me once that it wouldn´t change your mindset. But obviously you were wrong. Through raindrops I see you standing, under the bridge. Unable to speak one little word, mouth wide shut. Fade away. Loose balance. The trees are turning into grey needles breaking out of massive concrete. It´s getting colder. But I had no other way to get through this mess. Your eyes are like small fireballs now, while everything else gets blurred. I can hear warm voices calling my name now and there is a bright light in front of me. My body sinks to the ground. Through raindrops I see you standing, under the bridge. Unable to speak one little word, mouth wide shut. === "Won´t Be Fine" I want to declare a war. I just don´t know what it will be for. I wanna tell the truth. Instead of that, I will just let loose. (Just let loose, just let loose) I´m holding my breath, until the time runs out. I´m lost and alone, not for the first time. I hope that someday you gonna catch my fall. Although I know, that I won´t be fine... I got decisions to make. About people I don´t like coz they speak so fake. I want to get some luck. I always seem to just get stuck. (Just get stuck, just get stuck) I´m holding my breath, until the time runs out. I´m lost and alone, not for the first time. I hope that someday you gonna catch my fall. Although I know, that I won´t be fine... === That´s it for the first post. Got some more things to come. If you want to listen to some early recordings, visit our youtube channel (click sig). Kind Regards, OK
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09-28-2009, 05:02 PM | #2 (permalink) | ||||
young gun funyun
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
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For the first song especially, you need to focus on using a more active voice than passive voice. Than sentence "I Will Be Fine" should be changed to something like "I can stay alive if I don't speak my mind".
That's a very important line in the song, so it has to use verbs that grab the eyes and ears. That would be your 'active' voice. Quote:
Quote:
Raindrops is a pretty nice song: Quote:
I personally prefer the more prose like form of the song. It's more interesting than it would be normally. There's nothing overall wrong with the song. It's all about how you perform it. Finally, 'I won't be fine' is a rather boring and lackluster poem. It's recommended that you go ahead and get rid of that one because there's not much you could do to fix it. Keep writing, your not bad for someone who's first language probably isn't English. More descriptive than most english speakers I know. peace out, -nick
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09-30-2009, 02:58 PM | #3 (permalink) |
Groupie
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
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Hey man thanks for the great feedback.
Of course not all lyrics are going to be songs. Only the best and we need the community to figure out which ones are the best. By the way, new song on our youtube channel! Check signature link! New lyrics coming soon too!
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10-01-2009, 12:42 AM | #5 (permalink) |
Groupie
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
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I think we´re going for indie/garage rock kinda things.
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10-05-2009, 08:15 PM | #6 (permalink) |
I Am the Lizard Queen
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 134
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There are some really interesting lines here... "They cannot believe their lies" and "Slightly losing control about myself" caught my eye right away. I'm about your age and American, and your English seems as good as most people I know.
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