Guitargeorgia

Hello everyone. I am an aspiring musician. I play acoustic guitar and backup vocals for a gigging band (Country) and I have my own singer/songwriting project (Rock, Country, Americana) with a bassist that I also get out to local venues with. I have been writing lyrics for sometime and never had a problem spilling my thoughts through a pen. I write all songs for both projects.

I just wanted to put lyrics out because lately I have been on a plateau of words that has been pretty agitating. I'm sure it will pass, but in the mean time I figured it would be good to list some of the lyrics I have been working on with my duet project.

Keep in mind this is for a Progressive Rock/Country/Americana.

Here is a song I have recorded, but I can't seem to get this song out of the stage from sounding like a child wrote it. Any positive criticism will be taken to heart and with MUCH thanks, I assure you. I am new here, but not to the music world and I will probably be a regular on this site after reading through it for a couple of days.

Here goes:

Open Up Your Eyes

You've been with me since '93
and it'll all go down in history
I'm just waiting for my cards to fall

But I try to keep good and keep my mind right
but some folks just can't get no light
A problem waved, isn't one at all

*You spit, we choke
but I swear to you that the law is broke
It's a damn good day, just to be alive

You spit, we choke
So give us just a bit more rope
And I bet then you'll, open up your eyes.*

They should give us more than two left feet
But I'll sit back and take a seat
While we see it come, only when you say

So I'll back this up, my foot down
Demand a little more than a run-around
It could be worse and it's here to stay

**

That's all I got for now

Nicktarist

I think your biggest problem in this area is rhyme scheme. The fact that it sounds like a child comes more strongly from the incredibly direct rhyme I'm seein' here. The form I'd recommend taking here is:

I'm sittin' here trying to figure out how to say that effectively. I mean to keep the direct rhyme between the last line of each stanza (fix eyes and alive) and change the first and second lines into a more psuedo-type rhyme. (like down and around in the last stanza).

Certain lines that sound childish to me are:

broke would work in this instance, but with the word law and broke in the same sentence makes me think juvenile in jail. It's that subliminal message type of stuff.

Are you sure you don't mean 'waived' here? It certainly makes more sense.

Granted, this is mainly americana/country, 'just' doesn't do justice to the rest of the song. It's obviously filler here and a 'filler' could be used a little more wisely. You could get rid of just and use 'bright' to describe the light. It's your choice though man. I'm not writin' this song for you.

I like the card metaphor. It'd be interesting to extend it like the National's "Secret Meeting" in which part of the situation is related to a game of poker. Great song, by the way, but beside the point. This idea here seems like it could be a good underbelly.

It's a pretty decent song. It would've certainly made more sense if you posted a clip or video, but that's a campaign I pursue on my own time, not yours.

peace out,
-nick

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