Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
I think Donnie knew why Joey was laughing, as it was obvious. Maybe instead: 'You think that was funny?"
And why was Donnie sitting at the light so damn long? The line I put in bold seemed unecessary in the 'spur of the moment' you got built up. Maybe instead of 'The light has turned yellow again' something like 'by that time, several minutes have passed, and the light had turned yellow again.'
It may just be me, but I think it would read better like that, or something similar.
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That part about Joey's laughin may have come out weird, because I was going a different way with it up to Joey's line at first, then I switched it up. I didn't think about whether it would flow right after that change, so I'll review it and see what I can do.
I'm not really understanding the traffic light edit. Several minutes sounds like he's been sitting there longer than what was originally put, which I thought you didn't like? I dunno, I's confused.
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