Rainfall

Exactly, ha. I'm gunna make it so good, you will feel that uncontrolable urge to have to say something about. You'll see.

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Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VEGANGELICA

Hi Rainfall,

I've read all your new posts but decided to focus on "Twist of Bliss" because there are some parts I don't fully understand, some parts that strike me the most, and a few suggestions I'd like to make.

The subject appears to be the speaker remembering someone who wanted to get out of the relationship that the speaker was wrapped up in and deeply involved in emotionally...thus the "twist of bliss" when the bliss ends.

The first two stanzas confuse me somewhat because I'm not sure how they relate to the final stanzas, which describe sadness over the loss of the relationship.

My favorite stanza is the one I put in bold below, the one that shows the time when there was still happiness and potential in the relationship:

One reason I like the stanza in bold is that is does not seem melodramatic. It feels real. The final two stanzas seem more melodramatic, especially these underlined words:

My other thought about the final two stanzas in your poem, Rainfall, is that they are describing the feelings in general terms rather than showing them through actions (except for the line "you know you can outwit the best of me," which seems very specific). Also, a few of the images seem cliche, such as a heart "locked with a golden key" or a heart that is an "open gate." One word I would recommend changing is "decor," which I think is a noun, and so I'm wondering if "decorate" would be better?

When you describe the person who "taught me love" and "taught me pain," I find myself wishing for more specific descriptions of how or why, so I am missing some of the "visualization" that you describe as not being in poem yet.

I'm thinking now of a song I like a lot, "Maggie May," by Rod Stewart
YouTube - Rod Stewart and the Faces. Maggie May
because he uses a lot of unique descriptions of the person his protagonist was in love with. The lines that stick in memory the most are the specific, physical ones, such as:

"The morning sun
when it's in your face
really shows your age
but that don't worry me none
in my eyes you're ev'rything."

In this song, like in yours, Rod Stewart describes someone learning about love and pain. In his song it feels to me like I can see this couple, imagine this woman who was using this young man. They all feel very real. I get this feeling from your stanza that I put in bold above, where your protagonist is standing in front of the person he loves, which takes so much bravery...to open up to someone else and admit you have feelings for that person and want/yearn for intimacy.

--Erica

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Rainfall

It funny you chose Maggie May, because it has been my favorite song since, well, forever. It may have been my first favorite song I ever had; I would always steal my mothers cassette to listen to it.

Yes, as usual, I left out details in the song that tie it together; I always seem to have certain good parts, and the rest is trash. Usually the 'trash' hold something important, for example, in this poem, which is about someone struggling to get out of a relationship, only to find he wanted to stay after he lost what he actually loved. I'll retreive the scrapped pieces and rebuild the whole thing up, and make it actually decypherable.

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Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VeggieLover

What! Your thread had gone onto the second page!!!!!! What nonesense! Here I am all perky and ready to critique and this wonderful thread remains inert....with no jaw dropping new poem for me to read I haven't actually seen you online in a while. Such sadness.

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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

Rainfall

Haha. Yes, the preperation for college was time consuming. Now that I'm settled in, hopefully I will get around to putting together something I have in mind.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VeggieLover

hooorah! i thought you had left us.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."