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08-19-2009, 02:37 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Groupie
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head
Posts: 19
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A short poem to describe strong feelings.
I believe you are so elegant,
their are no words for me to explain, not even in sentences with blank spaces, or even a canvas with no paint. So I will look you in the eyes, And express this with my heart, and take the chance of the crevices crumbling apart. Up side down: As I awake with you in my arms, and the morning sun is called to arms, the light peers through the blinds, as it paints your face with golden twilight. If we could just stay in this transition forever, things could never change,we would never grow,or learn from our mistakes,and with that we'd be sure to never part until the end of days,and I'm so scared to get out of bed, it's so warm between the sheets one day I'll buy a shrink ray, and shrink you down to pocket size, and build a compartment in my pocket, the place closest to where my heart resides. My heart will warm your frigid bones and send frequent messages that your not alone, I hope your antennas are still up, when the words I long to speak exit my mouth |
08-19-2009, 04:03 PM | #2 (permalink) | ||
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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hmm, these have the effect of being a kind of cliche while at the same time possessing a very unique and compelling quality that I can't exactly pinpoint. Though not achieving the status of genius, I must give you kudos for producing something that made me blink a few times and sit back in my chair.
Quote:
Quote:
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
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08-20-2009, 01:03 AM | #3 (permalink) |
Groupie
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head
Posts: 19
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sometimes I like to write freely and be playful,and not too obsessive of the perfect stanza or bar,so i guess it just comes out cliche,because those ideas seem to be the first to pop into anyone's head.
I agree with you about it not being of genius status. My style and method of writing is changing all the time, I'll be sure to post more on here. thanks for the constructive criticism. |
08-20-2009, 03:48 PM | #4 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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Oh i wasn't critisising your writing style, i really enjoy that, and by all means, not everything you write has to be refined. However, I do think that if you are going to post on MB, you should at least take the time to edit and really delv deeper into what you are trying to say!
I'll be looking forward to your future work! Oh, and your welcome
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
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