song i wrote. tell me what you think?

cass143 · 08-19-2009, 01:01 PM

well im sort of new at this but do tell me what you think ;D

im watching you disappear
but before you go, you should know
im sort of in love with you

i want to forget you
i want to remember you
but even if i never see you again

i can still hope that youll show up
i can still replay those memories
i can still wonder what could have been

its only been a day but i miss you
wish there was a way you could miss me too
i know it wont happen to me
but i can still dream

i hear you playing guitar
i want to smile, i want to cry
i cant do either, it would give me away

i need to forget
i need to remember
and even if i never see you again

i can still hope that you'll show up
i can still replay those memories
i can still wonder what could have been

its only been a day but i miss you
wish there was a way you could miss me too
i know it wont happen to me

yesterday i came home crying
knowing that impossible wasn't changing
for me

but i can still dream

chard · 08-19-2009, 01:32 PM

Your sister has moved out of your parents house
very thought provoking. i'm opening a bottle of whiskey can't wait for part 2.

VeggieLover · 08-19-2009, 04:14 PM

passable, depending on the musical background and melodies. However, it really is..flat. I guess I'll be using that word a lot today. :S

here, read this i posted for someone else and see if it helps you:

Quote:

hmm. not sure what to say on this one. there isn't anything particularlly powerful about it, though it isn't bad either.

Perhaps the mediocrity lies in the images... or rather the lack thereof. There are only so many words to describe literal feelings, and those words tend to be used over and over again. granted, you did not submit to the classic cliches of heartbreak, but it just doesn't have a depth to it.

Revise it. Really get into the head of the narrator, feel those feelings and remember the verses, rather than just making them up. Rather than relying on "oh i couldn't help loving you" as a lyric, use the images and details to build up a situation so that the reader (or listener) could infer the love rather than simply being told. It has potential.

iglidante · 08-20-2009, 03:58 PM

There are some pretty strong lines. But others are weak. They take away from the power of your message. Lines like:

"im sort of in love with you"
"knowing that impossible wasn't changing"
"i know it wont happen to me / but i can still dream"

I think what's holding you back is, some of the phrasing is really noncommittal. This is a sad song. There's a lot of pain in the story you're telling. But there are too many throwaway syllables, and the structure is too loose.

Maybe that's what you're going for. And maybe it actually works better than I think. It's hard to say without hearing the melody and the arrangement that goes under it all.

08-19-2009, 01:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
cass143 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 1	song i wrote. tell me what you think? well im sort of new at this but do tell me what you think ;D im watching you disappear but before you go, you should know im sort of in love with you i want to forget you i want to remember you but even if i never see you again i can still hope that youll show up i can still replay those memories i can still wonder what could have been its only been a day but i miss you wish there was a way you could miss me too i know it wont happen to me but i can still dream i hear you playing guitar i want to smile, i want to cry i cant do either, it would give me away i need to forget i need to remember and even if i never see you again i can still hope that you'll show up i can still replay those memories i can still wonder what could have been its only been a day but i miss you wish there was a way you could miss me too i know it wont happen to me yesterday i came home crying knowing that impossible wasn't changing for me but i can still dream

08-20-2009, 03:58 PM	#4 (permalink)
iglidante Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Trenton, Maine Posts: 5	There are some pretty strong lines. But others are weak. They take away from the power of your message. Lines like: "im sort of in love with you" "knowing that impossible wasn't changing" "i know it wont happen to me / but i can still dream" I think what's holding you back is, some of the phrasing is really noncommittal. This is a sad song. There's a lot of pain in the story you're telling. But there are too many throwaway syllables, and the structure is too loose. Maybe that's what you're going for. And maybe it actually works better than I think. It's hard to say without hearing the melody and the arrangement that goes under it all. __________________ Give me some time - I'm gonna make you sing. ian-marquis.blogspot.com

08-19-2009, 01:32 PM	#2 (permalink)
chard Music Addict Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: england Posts: 390	Your sister has moved out of your parents house very thought provoking. i'm opening a bottle of whiskey can't wait for part 2.