New to the site First Post, please read

shortone1320 · 08-18-2009, 11:31 PM

I've been writing for a little while now and here is one of my newest ones. Please read, comment and critique. any feed back would be appreciated, Enjoy:

The Upright, Lose The Edge

Lets lose the edge
and cuddle close together
lose ourselves in melodies
you're the reason I wrote
no reason there's no forever
I promise to hit the note
that'll prove my soul
through such poetic grammer

Chorus:

Gimme a piano
hammers and strings
I'll share myself
The keys to you're heart
are black and white
I'll make you melt
and fall apart
with a lullaby from me to you

Put down the guitar
take up the upright
lit in moonlight
look to the stars
sing from the inside
soft and slow
its no sign of weakness
just tenderness
love is in the music
music tells of love
love here, coming and gone
and love you don't know

Chorus

Caress the keys
touch your heart
this music is art
that speaks out
you're what its all about
gimme a piano
hammers and strings
I'll make you melt
with a lullaby just to you

a lullaby for lack of sleep
the music dives deep
a lullaby just for you
the music to help you through
a lullaby when I can't be there
the music, it'll keep you here

VeggieLover · 08-19-2009, 04:20 PM

very refreshing. I kind of got the image (at the second verse) of a guy playing a piano on a balcony patio in the streeming moonlight, singing to his lover, amoung greenery etc. The fact that I got an image at all is a relief. You didn't actually use much imagery in the conventential sense, but you managed to tap into my own "image center" to produce something that I'm going to remember.

I love the chorus's double meaning of Key. Bravo

shortone1320 · 08-21-2009, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeggieLover

very refreshing. I kind of got the image (at the second verse) of a guy playing a piano on a balcony patio in the streeming moonlight, singing to his lover, amoung greenery etc. The fact that I got an image at all is a relief. You didn't actually use much imagery in the conventential sense, but you managed to tap into my own "image center" to produce something that I'm going to remember.

I love the chorus's double meaning of Key. Bravo

well thank you very much... im glad you liked it. i always try to avoid the conventional use of techniques and im glad you got the image, that is the exact image i was tryin to put out there, thanks again

Terrible Lizard · 08-21-2009, 11:23 PM

Astronomer · 08-21-2009, 11:30 PM

Chollie Mank doesn't know shit.

I liked the lyrics, they weren't bad at all

You may have kind-of overdone it with the metaphors, but otherwise, nice.

wad · 08-22-2009, 12:00 AM

Lame

shortone1320 · 08-23-2009, 07:19 AM

well at least you were creative when dont like my lyrics....

Rainfall · 08-26-2009, 11:44 PM

I generally stray away from the gushy, corny side of poems, because they are so common anymore that they're just cliche. But this, I liked. You receive kudos from me, friend.
The whole 'keys to your heart, they're white and black' is nicely done. Still, maybe a little to gushy for my tastes.

shortone1320 · 08-27-2009, 06:38 PM

well thanks im glad u liked it even if it was a bit gushy for you...lol

VeggieLover · 08-28-2009, 02:42 PM

The gushyness could be nullified with the right musical background. Like i said before, the lyrics are the kind that give me a specific image and connect it to an emotion, which is what is going to make a song memorable and therefore successful. If you go with the classic love song melody type, it could be a little overdone, but if you mess around with the music and find something really heart opening and lacking in the cliche department, id say uve got gold.

08-18-2009, 11:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
shortone1320 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Clinton, Ma Posts: 5	New to the site First Post, please read I've been writing for a little while now and here is one of my newest ones. Please read, comment and critique. any feed back would be appreciated, Enjoy: The Upright, Lose The Edge Lets lose the edge and cuddle close together lose ourselves in melodies you're the reason I wrote no reason there's no forever I promise to hit the note that'll prove my soul through such poetic grammer Chorus: Gimme a piano hammers and strings I'll share myself The keys to you're heart are black and white I'll make you melt and fall apart with a lullaby from me to you Put down the guitar take up the upright lit in moonlight look to the stars sing from the inside soft and slow its no sign of weakness just tenderness love is in the music music tells of love love here, coming and gone and love you don't know Chorus Caress the keys touch your heart this music is art that speaks out you're what its all about gimme a piano hammers and strings I'll make you melt with a lullaby just to you a lullaby for lack of sleep the music dives deep a lullaby just for you the music to help you through a lullaby when I can't be there the music, it'll keep you here

08-19-2009, 04:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	very refreshing. I kind of got the image (at the second verse) of a guy playing a piano on a balcony patio in the streeming moonlight, singing to his lover, amoung greenery etc. The fact that I got an image at all is a relief. You didn't actually use much imagery in the conventential sense, but you managed to tap into my own "image center" to produce something that I'm going to remember. I love the chorus's double meaning of Key. Bravo __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

08-21-2009, 11:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
Terrible Lizard **ER OF HOLES Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Butt**, Nebraska Posts: 1,211	__________________ “YOU ARE SCUM SLUT.” -John Martyn

08-21-2009, 11:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
Astronomer we are stardust Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 2,894	Chollie Mank doesn't know shit. I liked the lyrics, they weren't bad at all You may have kind-of overdone it with the metaphors, but otherwise, nice. __________________

08-26-2009, 11:44 PM	#8 (permalink)
Rainfall Not your best friend. Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 67	I generally stray away from the gushy, corny side of poems, because they are so common anymore that they're just cliche. But this, I liked. You receive kudos from me, friend. The whole 'keys to your heart, they're white and black' is nicely done. Still, maybe a little to gushy for my tastes. __________________ Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

08-22-2009, 12:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
wad Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: houston,tx Posts: 89	Lame

08-23-2009, 07:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
shortone1320 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Clinton, Ma Posts: 5	well at least you were creative when dont like my lyrics....

08-27-2009, 06:38 PM	#9 (permalink)
shortone1320 Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Clinton, Ma Posts: 5	well thanks im glad u liked it even if it was a bit gushy for you...lol

08-28-2009, 02:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	The gushyness could be nullified with the right musical background. Like i said before, the lyrics are the kind that give me a specific image and connect it to an emotion, which is what is going to make a song memorable and therefore successful. If you go with the classic love song melody type, it could be a little overdone, but if you mess around with the music and find something really heart opening and lacking in the cliche department, id say uve got gold. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."