Arya Stark

I think maybe you should write a song for the BABY and not your girlfriend if you're going to be singing it to the baby.
xD

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MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

deep_and_depressing

good point . . . I'll keep that in mind.

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My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister

Schizotypic

I think you should post your stuff in a forum that's in the same age group.... it only makes sense. Your posting it for a bunch of music heads in the poetry and songwriting section... without a song. We have to look at it as poetry because all we have to go off of is the words. I agree if you sang that thing like Otis Redding or Janis Joplin I would be impressed... but then I'd read the lyrics and laugh probably, until I found out you were like 14. And then I'd be like =0 wow she can sing really young.

I hear that you want us as a group not to be bluntly critical and post giant pictures which say "Kill yourself" on them, but I assure you I'd put a good amount of money on the fact nobody here hates you. We don't even know you, and I think your making assumptions by saying that. For instance, there is no way that "we hate you no matter what you do"... I just got done saying I'd like you and your cliche lyrics if you sang like Janis Joplin.

So what it comes down to is this; you can post your stuff on a more accepting forum with people your age, you can try writing really deep poetry that stuns people, you can somehow bust out amazing perfect lyrics, or you can learn how to sing like Janis Joplin and post a recording. ORRRRRRR maybe you can stop caring so much what people think and write because you want to express something, instead of writing to express wanting to be accepted. =O Isn't that shocking.

So, here's my critique of your lyrics: if you wrote them so I'd like them, I hate them. If you wrote them because you like them, I love em'. Good job on not being as depressing though kiddo. Cheers and good luck.

FooFighting

Good on ya- it's NOT depressing

deep_and_depressing

personal achievement #1. I have less depression issues now because I realized I was just using my depression as an excuse to be an ******* to my friends.

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My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister

deep_and_depressing

It's not finished yet but it's more than 2 lines so I figure it would be worthwhile to post it here. I don't know how to continue so any suggestions are appreciated.

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Say Goodbye

Were we played by fate?
Was it really your time?
Would we have met
if you were still alive?
I never knew you
yet you changed my life.
Would it have been different
if you had more time?

This doesn't seem fair
'cause you were more
than I could ever be.
Do I still deserve to live happily?
Now your family mourns you
and I'm asking why,
why didn't you get a chance
to say goodbye?

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I know it's depressing & I'll probably get reamed for it but I don't care. I just look at it as I'm thinking of somebody besides myself . . . So I don't care what you say or think about it, I just posted it here to get advice from people who know what the hell they're doing.

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My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister

t3hplatyz0rz

Death by ninja.
All riiiigggghhhhhhttttt..... I think that this was a little bit too unfinished for me to give an accurate review. Probably because there's so little information about the chars. If you posted this as a finished product, then I would bash you for lack of descriptions. I want to hear more of the juicy details about how this person influenced the next person's life. Hopefully in some sort of creative, non-generic way. I'm thinking... I don't know, some sort of spiritual leader? Whatever you do, add some backstory other than what you've got already. I always suggest death by ninja, but if you really don't want to do what all the cool kids are doing, you could lead it in a different direction.
Well, one would think that is obvious.

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OceanAndSilence

doesn't seem to help me.

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http://www.myspace.com/chrisneto - tune in to chill out

deep_and_depressing

the backstory is hard to explain in a poetic form for someone as inexperienced as I am. This is based on something currently happening to me & it's hard to explain how his death changed my life, I'm trying really hard to add more but nothing else seems to work.

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My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister

MaxWilde

its nice but you should try some charictaristic imagery