Ravenkin

Hello everyone, im new here and glad i finally found a place i can get my lyrics critiqued. I'm a singer/songwriter for a Thrash metal band and will be posting some new songs from time to time. Feel free to leave any feedback!


Dead Darling

I've seen the footsteps of your ghost,
and followed the wake of your tide.
watched the waters drown the desert,
Swallowed up from the inside.

The way you look when you are rotting,
decomposed, but still sublime.
your purple lips did quiver,
This night you'll meet mine.

Dead darling I'll still be waiting,
dancing, yet I'm so wrong.
Crossing the river to join you,
laughing but you're still gone.

Sweet sin what have you got me in,
I've seen the days turn to nights.
give me a heart and then let me in,
I wish I would die,
But only to join you love.

Hammer and nails, coffin of blood,
satin and satan all callapsed in the wood.
teach me a lesson, a lesson of love,
hearts seem to break but not ours.

sweetly your cold face pale and pink,
tell me where torture meets your needs.
granted i need you but you dont need me,
where you are goin no bodies free.

Dead darling I'll still be waiting,
dancing, yet I'm so wrong.
Crossing the river to join you,
laughing but you're still gone.

Sweet sin what have you got me in,
I've seen the days turn to nights.
give me a heart and then let me in,
I wish I would die,
But only to join you love.


Dead darling I have waited,
danced, You've been wronged.
cross the river to leave you,
Crying because i lost you....love.

Stone Birds

this sounds more neofolk (dark folk) to me than metal, but not bad.

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Ravenkin

insomnia

Half smiling the moon mocks me,

With a grin so sinister it snares my whim.

And leaves me loveless and lonely,

Broken like a pile of bloody sticks.

What do you want from this little boy?

Who stays up all night to hear your sweet voice.

And turn my heart into your little toy,

Obedient like a marionette.



Why do you keep me up all night?

So sweet a breath as yours,

shouldn't be wasted on my turbid life.

Keep me away from the pain of my shores.



I sink deeper

Day by day

And hear the rain bloom my flower

And petals fall

Into the soft sands

And sink deeper in my breathing

Sinking deeper just sinking

Mocking me

As sinking sands swallow my swollen form

Mocking me

This prolonged life abhorred

And your still mocking me

Smiling like the moon

A half smile so sinister

But it's crueler and crude



I sink deeper as the night turns to day,

The fading gray smashing my colored moonlit night.

The fading gray in listless light,

But soon the flower blooms again.

To get gulped in gallows of sinking sands.

And again sink deeper...

Mocking me

As the sands circle my bloody tears

Mocking me

Just mocking me

unable to sleep and hear a dream

Mocking me

Just mocking me

Ravenkin

Summer

I see the moon dance off your tongue,

The night sky shining bright.

How the dim light makes you seem so young,

Like the years before have never arrived.



And the sweet things you say still have meaning,

Like I love you or take me im yours.

How you stroke my hair to make me proud and beaming,

But now you live with the whores.



You dance and sing so merrily,

Even though I am deceased.

How now you long to join me,

On the clouds dancing in the breeze.



But the moon cant let you go,

Its hold on you stronger than my hand.

How you long for me to help woe,

Now my eyes glazed from starry stands.



Your day is soon to come,

The day to join me in the sun.

To dance the winter winds away,

And frolic as we sway.

So gently in the winter winds,

Peaceful, young, like time itself.

Stopped for us, and made me a man,

And you a woman.

Put us together in the poison,

To die together.

Young and free,

Merrily...

To Dance in the summer heat.

Ravenkin

Vermin in our midst

They crawl through the night
with every intention
pissing us off
yet we still let them

Fester, and feed
and take what they need
without any remorse
for thier undignified deed

Why do we wait for morning to come
When our battle could be so easily won
Our leadership lets the darkness rise
So sound an equation for our early demise

I can hear them now
Spitting thier slander
For they justify everything
in a vilianous manner

They Fester, They Feed
They take out of greed
without any remorse
for thier unglorious deed

Why do we wait for morning to come
when our battle could be so easily won
Our leadership lets the darkness rise
So sound an equation for our early demise.

There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.
There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.
There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.

VEGANGELICA

Hi, Ravenkin,
Your song "Insomnia" shows the malevolence and appeal of the moon (a metaphor for the beloved, I assume). Am I right that it the speaker is dying (metaphorically)? (Based on the song that follows, this is my guess). I think "Insomnia" describes a love-hate relationship and the pain of experiencing that. The lines that especially stick in my mind are the following, because they remind me of how it feels to be used by someone who has little concern for your welfare or use for your love:

I feel that the final stanza (which I italicized) isn't needed to get the song's idea across, and the song would stand quite well alone without that final stanza. Since I'm often reminded to make my lyrics briefer, my guess is someone else may feel the same about these lyrics!

Your songs often have a very romantic lyrical quality...they seem more beautiful than harsh, even as they deal with what are supposed to be traumatic love/life events...which is interesting to me, since I'm not sure exactly how thrash music would/should sound incorporating your lyrics. Although I know little about genres and their dividing lines, I'm thinking that Stone Birds' feeling that the lyrics sound more like dark folk is probably a good assessment!

--Erica

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Ravenkin

You hit the nail on the head so to speak about my insomnia poem/song. I will be changing it up abit before i submit it to the band for instrumental work.

As far as my music genre goes i totally agree that it really doesnt seem to fit the thrash genre my fellow bandmates would like to see themselves as. To tell you the truth i think our band fits in more with the likes of Trivium, which is a great metal band. I see us more of a metalcore/melodic metal band, lyrics seem to still not fit but i think thats what makes us more appealing. If you checkout Triviums song "THROES OF PERDITION" thats more along the lines of the sound we have. Pay attention to the chorus because thats the best part of the song...

As far as Dead Darling and Insomnia goes, i was going for a softer sound. Not really sure if ill even put music to those right now. Just some thoughts swirling in my head. Thanks for the reply glad to see someones reading my thoughtless banter

Ravenkin

These thoughts impure

All these women,
Calipso's vile breed,
Leave me with thoughts,
o so impure...

The chosen shall find pleasure,
Amongst all our sin.
Morals are left lost,
And never found again.

These streets are my playground,
You are my toys.
Fufilling my every need,
Until your left discarded
....broken, forgotten.

So take now my hand,
Forget all the others before.
Neverland awaits,
We have only but...
One fragile hour.

Love is all make-believe,
Passed down for centuries.
These lies are only real,
In the world of lost boys.

"A poem i wrote spur of the moment. I figure i would post this up, its a project as of right now. Just thought i would post a short rough draft for critique. I believe it lacks the metaphors i usually put up in my writings."

Ravenkin

The Room

In a Room, deep inside...
The dark recesses, of my mind,
Dwells a place of candle-lit purity.
We were alone, o so cold...
Such a sight, to behold,
The Illusion of dancing flames tranquility.

Comfort sets, slight regret...
That i tend to forget,
That moment in time our eyes first locked.
No words to disturb...
The minute that i learned,
How loves sweet embrace could kill a man.

So we sat, quite content...
Souls tangled,
Not wanting to unravel.
What a beautiful mess we manifest!

Time is standing, years go by...
Love is dead, what a lie,
This memory of you..
Could last a lifetime.

She's fading now, Walls are melting...
Candles out, the world is burning,
As devious people begin to fill a strange new room.
What is this, consumed bliss...
Walls of pads, the needle missed,
That syringe holds the gateway to my heart.

"This ones abit different from my other writings. I couldn't sleep tonight and this idea popped in my head. Critique it, i know there is probably a problem with grammer in there somewhere. Let me know what you think."

Ravenkin

Kiss the Serpent

Siren echo through the Isles,
Maidens kiss the edge of water.
Homer once tread these giant's shores,
Tall men trample on hills of Nevermore.

The forests of night stir,
As we dance naked through the trees.
Insulting our puritan brethren,
They want not me, but the death i bring.

A serpent urges me forward,
With smiling eyes it invites me in.
To the absolute uncertain,
Your education blinds my children.

Blood is the rose of life,
Without it everything dies.
Kiss now, the serpentine Idol,
Cement your place in our emotion.

Testing the bounds of reality,
Authority comes knocking at my Sanctuary door.
Taking the truth from what lies within,
Leaving choas and disorder.

The forest screams, a fire burns;
Ambushed at rest by the sun.
In all its grandier life stands fading,
Smacked in the face, so wilts the rose.

A serpent urges me forward,
With smiling eyes it invites me in.
To the absolute uncertain,
Your education blinds my children.

Blood is the rose of life,
Without it everything dies.
Kiss now, the serpentine Idol,
Cement your place in our emotion.

Blood is the rose of life,
A mantra we all live by.
Now flames lick at my flesh,
A most vile smell to say the least.

No chance to catch the life thrown at me,
Strung up on high, like thier god himself.
I feel my life trickle from me,
As consiousness fades, So wilts my rose....