Ravenkin's Collection

Ravenkin · 09-05-2009, 12:19 AM

Dream Child

This desolate World so cold,
Why do we not listen?
Culled from the flock,
Sheep lead to slaughter.
Like a Hermit wandering the hills,
I'm laid to rest in the land of the lost.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of mendacity.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

Your morals bind me,
Im past this treachery you ****ing weave.
In my mind entangling,
All thats beautiful, just leave.
Im not your puppet, dancing
Leading others to the shores of fallacy.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of certainty.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

"Not finished i just felt the need to write, and write i did. Not sure if it even makes sense but those are the words that were put in my head, begging to come out. Let me know what you think, its the first time ive never worried about structure or rhyming. I just let the words...flow"

VEGANGELICA · 09-09-2009, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravenkin

The Room

In a Room, deep inside...
The dark recesses, of my mind,
Dwells a place of candle-lit purity.
We were alone, o so cold...
Such a sight, to behold,
The Illusion of dancing flames tranquility.

Comfort sets, slight regret...
That i tend to forget,
That moment in time our eyes first locked.
No words to disturb...
The minute that i learned,
How loves sweet embrace could kill a man.

So we sat, quite content...
Souls tangled,
Not wanting to unravel.
What a beautiful mess we manifest!

Time is standing, years go by...
Love is dead, what a lie,
This memory of you..
Could last a lifetime.

She's fading now, Walls are melting...
Candles out, the world is burning,
As devious people begin to fill a strange new room.
What is this, consumed bliss...
Walls of pads, the needle missed,
That syringe holds the gateway to my heart.

"This ones abit different from my other writings. I couldn't sleep tonight and this idea popped in my head. Critique it, i know there is probably a problem with grammer in there somewhere. Let me know what you think."

Hi again, Ravenkin,

This song sounds like a description of a man who in old age is either going mad or using drugs (I think he is in a psychiatric ward) who remembers a love he experienced during youth. I especially like the line in bold, "the beautiful mess we manifest," since it involves rhyming within the line and conveys quickly the sense of the complexity of a relationship that still can feel so beautiful and meaningful even with the problems. This line stuck with me after reading the poem such that I wanted to search again through MB to find it.

The poem makes me wonder: why did the love turn out to be a lie? And did this contribute to the speaker's eventual descent into either madness or a disturbed drug-induced state?

The line, "The moment in time our eyes first locked," sounds less original than the others because "eyes locking" is a cliche...also, since when one thinks of it literally, the image of eyes locking is quite jarring, and so reading that line jarred me out of the poem's imagined reality back into my real world.

"So we sat, quite content" sounds very mild after the description of the intensity of their first meeting. I feel this line would be stronger without the "quite": "So we sat content."

When you write "comfort sets" do you mean "comfort sets in" as in comfort begins?

--Erica

Arya Stark · 09-16-2009, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravenkin

Dream Child

This desolate World so cold,
Why do we not listen?
Culled from the flock,
Sheep lead to slaughter.
Like a Hermit wandering the hills,
I'm laid to rest in the land of the lost.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of mendacity.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

Your morals bind me,
Im past this treachery you ****ing weave.
In my mind entangling,
All thats beautiful, just leave.
Im not your puppet, dancing
Leading others to the shores of fallacy.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of certainty.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

"Not finished i just felt the need to write, and write i did. Not sure if it even makes sense but those are the words that were put in my head, begging to come out. Let me know what you think, its the first time ive never worried about structure or rhyming. I just let the words...flow"

I personally love this poem.
I'd love to know what situation it was that inspired it, but because it seems to be such a heartfelt poem, there is no pressure for you to share that with me.

Continue writing.

Ravenkin · 09-22-2009, 11:21 PM

Hey everyone, sorry ive been away for awile. Ive been doing alot of searching inside lately. Had alot of stuff happen these past few weeks. Going to venture off by myself from the band now i think. Anyways ill try and answer these questions tonight, right now i have an idea stuck in my head im trying to workout

Arya Stark · 09-23-2009, 01:07 AM

Ohh, good luck with that. ^_^

Ravenkin · 11-01-2009, 01:33 AM

Hey guys I've been swamped lately and havent had time to log back on. Decided to give another band a shot. I have to write some lyrics to 2 of thier songs and submit them to the guitarist. Could someone tell me if i can post a link in my sig to the music for the band on myspace? It would help me out a ton to see what you all think of the music. Sorry im abit out of it, ill check back tomorrow and possibly post the link in my sig if it doesnt violate the terms on the forum.

Keep writing...ill be sure to checkout and comment on some lyrics soon!

Regards

Arya Stark · 11-01-2009, 01:48 AM

It's possible to post a link but they don't want anyone over-advertising.

Ravenkin · 11-02-2009, 10:35 PM

Alright guys checkout my sig for the link....bands unnamed atm, thinking of suggesting Nocturne if i get in. Let me know what you think of the instrumentals...listen to "New Song" and "Malutopia" first if any! these are the ones ill be working on for lyrics. Ill post lyrics up to be read soon. I might start a colab with anyone interested in helping me arrange ect. Let me know what you think!

VEGANGELICA · 11-09-2009, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravenkin

Alright guys checkout my sig for the link....bands unnamed atm, thinking of suggesting Nocturne if i get in. Let me know what you think of the instrumentals...listen to "New Song" and "Malutopia" first if any! these are the ones ill be working on for lyrics. Ill post lyrics up to be read soon. I might start a colab with anyone interested in helping me arrange ect. Let me know what you think!

Hi Ravenkin,
I listened to "New Song" and "Malutopia"...very clean metal songs, I feel, with sharp, fast playing, impressive solos, and almost non-stop energy. I'm curious if the two current members...the rhythm and lead guitarists...gave you an idea about what they want the songs to be about, or do you get to just make up the whole thing based on your feeling for the songs? I'm interested in reading the lyrics you come up with to match already-existing music. That sounds like more of a challenge than writing lyrics and building the song around them!
--Erica

Ravenkin · 11-09-2009, 10:13 PM

They gave me no direction as to what they want those 2 songs to be about. The lead guitarist has been pressed for time, so haven't really heard from him. I'm having a really hard time building lyrics around these 2 songs, i usually write lyrics then arrange music. This is going to be a challenge. I will try and post some lyrics on here soon, been busy with my online article writing haha! I'll make sure i browse the new lyrics from you all soon!

11-01-2009, 01:33 AM	#16 (permalink)
Ravenkin Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 18	Im back Hey guys I've been swamped lately and havent had time to log back on. Decided to give another band a shot. I have to write some lyrics to 2 of thier songs and submit them to the guitarist. Could someone tell me if i can post a link in my sig to the music for the band on myspace? It would help me out a ton to see what you all think of the music. Sorry im abit out of it, ill check back tomorrow and possibly post the link in my sig if it doesnt violate the terms on the forum. Keep writing...ill be sure to checkout and comment on some lyrics soon! Regards

11-02-2009, 10:35 PM	#18 (permalink)
Ravenkin Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 18	Alright guys checkout my sig for the link....bands unnamed atm, thinking of suggesting Nocturne if i get in. Let me know what you think of the instrumentals...listen to "New Song" and "Malutopia" first if any! these are the ones ill be working on for lyrics. Ill post lyrics up to be read soon. I might start a colab with anyone interested in helping me arrange ect. Let me know what you think! __________________ Need abit of help arranging some songs, checkout the instrumentals and get back with me! http://www.myspace.com/multifidus

11-09-2009, 10:13 PM	#20 (permalink)
Ravenkin Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 18	They gave me no direction as to what they want those 2 songs to be about. The lead guitarist has been pressed for time, so haven't really heard from him. I'm having a really hard time building lyrics around these 2 songs, i usually write lyrics then arrange music. This is going to be a challenge. I will try and post some lyrics on here soon, been busy with my online article writing haha! I'll make sure i browse the new lyrics from you all soon! __________________ Need abit of help arranging some songs, checkout the instrumentals and get back with me! http://www.myspace.com/multifidus

09-05-2009, 12:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
Ravenkin Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 18	Dream Child This desolate World so cold, Why do we not listen? Culled from the flock, Sheep lead to slaughter. Like a Hermit wandering the hills, I'm laid to rest in the land of the lost. I plead my case, Falling on empty ears. My heart sinks deeper, Deeper into this trance. So cold, so bitter, Depression sets, lay to rest. The Dream child waits, On a pillar of mendacity. Casting hope for humanity, What a cynical little bastard. Your morals bind me, Im past this treachery you ****ing weave. In my mind entangling, All thats beautiful, just leave. Im not your puppet, dancing Leading others to the shores of fallacy. I plead my case, Falling on empty ears. My heart sinks deeper, Deeper into this trance. So cold, so bitter, Depression sets, lay to rest. The Dream child waits, On a pillar of certainty. Casting hope for humanity, What a cynical little bastard. "Not finished i just felt the need to write, and write i did. Not sure if it even makes sense but those are the words that were put in my head, begging to come out. Let me know what you think, its the first time ive never worried about structure or rhyming. I just let the words...flow"

09-22-2009, 11:21 PM	#14 (permalink)
Ravenkin Groupie Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 18	Hey everyone, sorry ive been away for awile. Ive been doing alot of searching inside lately. Had alot of stuff happen these past few weeks. Going to venture off by myself from the band now i think. Anyways ill try and answer these questions tonight, right now i have an idea stuck in my head im trying to workout