summerwhite

Hey guys, please comment on my song. I'm new and I really need to improve myself.


WRONG SONG

Hey boy, sorry what did you say?
Is it something about baseball?
Or your new six strings?
I was mesmerized and lost in your eyes
And your smile just takes me to cloud nine
So I write a song for you
But why do your eyes seems so empty?

[c/o]
You listen to the words I sing, I try to reach in
But I don’t think you feel it
The things I wanna say
The feelings that I hide
I’m looking into your eyes
You say its great but I don’t feel great
You say its gonna be hit
But that’s not what I mean

Hey boy, I wish I could tell you the truth
It is something inside me
It is something they call love
But now something tells me you don’t feel the same
Cuz I wrote you a song
And your eyes seems so empty

[c/o]

I guess I gave you the wrong song
Maybe it’s the melody
Maybe something with the lyrics
Or maybe it’s the title?
Maybe it’s the bridge
Maybe the verse and chorus won’t fit
Or is it because I sing it?

[c/o]

Cuz I wrote you a song
And your eyes seems so empty
Guess I gave you the wrong song
Because I sing it.

VeggieLover

Wow, finally a love song in the works that is somewhat original! Kudos to you for that one. there is only one part that feels cliche:

The whole "it is" bit just doesn't work, and i'm sure you can fill in something much better with a little effort.

Also, its a little confusing that the narrator gets lost in this boys eyes in the first stanza, but then the rest of the song, the eyes are empty. A little bit contradictory there!

Think on it and let us know how you change it up.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

inthepink

I agree with veggielover. Also, the whole rythmic thing is a bit off. Try cutting out the words you don't need. Other than that, I'm excited to see how the whole thing will sound!!

iglidante

Well, if you slur or blend "it is" well enough, it can actually work pretty well. But only if the technique sounds sincere and dynamic. Otherwise, it sounds stilted. Agreed that it's probably best to lose it.

__________________
Give me some time - I'm gonna make you sing.
ian-marquis.blogspot.com

Blunko

I agree with trying to avoid the unnecessary pronouns and auxiliaries--try to make the listener sense movement in action, or other sense. Instead of the afore-discussed "it is" quandary, use an action verb like "spill" or "chew" or something along those lines. Make the listener TASTE or FEEL the song!

alexiscastillo

It's pretty(: