Scratch 'n Sniff - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Today's Posts
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-31-2009, 10:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Jester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 752
Default Scratch 'n Sniff

Collab.



If luck were a lady, what colour of dress would she wear?
make-up or not, black or red-coloured hair?
gambler or risk taker - are those butterflies or bees?
only fifty at the time; young and in love.


Houses of cards and odds and ends,
mutual: I feel the same way too,
that birds can sing and the best kids are fruits;
those wedding bells are ringing,
but they sound like gunshot salutes.


Matrimony and wedlock, arrested and developed -
the key to your heart is an autopsy,
or a diamond or ruby gem -
this postcard's from the Atlantic
where the angel's can't swim.


After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


Summertime and sunshine, dancing in the sea,
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
first comes blue, then comes yellow,
then comes a postcard,
straight from the meadow.


If nature was a mother, how many kids would she have?
would she be an alcoholic apathetic?
If you were to ask the dying,
your answer would be split.
Jester is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2009, 10:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
****ER OF HOLES
 
Terrible Lizard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Butt****, Nebraska
Posts: 1,211
Default

The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."
__________________
“YOU ARE SCUM SLUT.”
-John Martyn
Terrible Lizard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2009, 10:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
Music?! Lets boogie!
 
VeggieLover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
Default hmm

oo i like. what kind of music would this be? It vaguely reminds me of system of a down for some reason, and I hear it as that kind of harder kind of sound with an intense beat to match the extensive vocabulary. A thoughtful poem, though if it goes into song format, I would re-structure it a bit and add a little chorus bit perhaps. Post some of your other stuff please!
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
VeggieLover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2009, 03:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Jester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 752
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard View Post
The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."
Probably. I'm kind of, uh, schizophrenic when writing? : d

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
oo i like. what kind of music would this be? It vaguely reminds me of system of a down for some reason, and I hear it as that kind of harder kind of sound with an intense beat to match the extensive vocabulary. A thoughtful poem, though if it goes into song format, I would re-structure it a bit and add a little chorus bit perhaps. Post some of your other stuff please!
It's just a piece of poetry, I hadn't planned on it as playing lyrics. Sure, I'll post some other stuff later.

Last edited by Jester; 08-02-2009 at 11:01 PM.
Jester is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2009, 06:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
king of sex
 
asshat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 331
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard View Post
The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."

I agree.

I really dig these lines:

"those wedding bells are ringing,
but they sound like gunshot salutes."


Matrimony and wedlock, arrested and developed -
the key to your heart is an autopsy,


This stanza I'm not too fond of, it seems like your'e trying to make every single line profound. Agnosticism or any ism's just don't have any emotional impact and they make it seem like your writing an essay on a song rather than writing a song:

After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


They're good lyrics in need of some major skimmin'.I get the impression this is about a really crappy marriage, or fate in general.
__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/
asshat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2009, 08:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Shivs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
Default

After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


The first line in that stanza just kinda seems off to me, particularly "After the afterglow". Other than that, good work man! I can picture this coming out as something pretty cool in a number of ways.
Shivs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2009, 09:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
Nicktarist's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
Default

Quote:
After the afterglow
Shivs has a good point. Sometimes repeating the same word in the same sentence works . Like:
Quote:
Asshat writes some Kickass critiques
but...well, in both cases it still seems like a loose brick in the road. :|

It's pretty well thought out--just not entirely finished. But honestly, who am I to tell you that.

peace,
-nick
__________________
Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
Nicktarist is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Similar Threads



© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.